I have difficulty filtering out my worries and anxieties when talking to other people. I am a very lonely shy guy with low self esteem and I have a very self deprecating sense of humor. However I find that I tend to reveal way too much about my insecurities, worries, obsessions to anyone that can listen. A lot of the time I have this “magical” thinking where someone would say something or be compelled to love me or be my friend to fix me. However, I just make myself look bad, ruin dynamics in relationships/friendships, and say something inappropriate. It is hard for me to talk about superficial stuff or pay care to other people’s lives. When I am obsessing over something, that is all I can talk about. And I am tired of seeking pity or sympathy from others. I went out with some coworkers (I never go out to bars or socialize outside work ever with anyone) and I find that I divulge way too much personal details about myself to anyone that listens. It is hard cause I don’t always realize I am doing it and it is hard to stop myself from telling everyone about my shit. Sometimes it is just to make others laugh—that is my humor. But it always leads to me asking for advice from everyone and then people get sick of me being a wet blanket. Some days I don’t feel like talking to anyone cause I am too caught up in my head. And I know if I start talking to someone, I’ll tell them things that I am worrying about and it ruins my reputation and how people see me. I want people to admire me and to want to be my friend. I don’t see myself as being self absorbed in a selfish way, I am very empathetic to others, but I seem to only know how to communicate with others as if they are my therapist. And I have one, I just don’t feel comfortable not opening up. Or I am just completely unable to filter myself.

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

I said something stupid today. Again. 😞 I’m impulsive. I speak without thinking, and then I spiral afterward, replaying every word. I want so badly to learn how to think before I speak — but I feel like I’m just not wired that way. Can people even do this? I asked my therapist. He says I overthink everything and worries that if I try to pre-edit my speech, I’ll stop talking altogether and lose confidence. He also said it’s okay to walk things back and apologize. And while that may be true, I don’t see it as a big deal if I end up more quiet — because if I can’t say something intelligent, I’d rather say nothing at all. To me, the issue isn’t overthinking — it’s not thinking clearly before I speak. Then I overthink afterward, because what I said came out clumsy, careless, or unclear. Or I confessed something I'd rather not, like that meetings lead me to spiral analyze every statement I make in a meeting. I want to sound smarter. I want to be articulate. I want to speak without feeling ashamed five minutes later. I want to exist in conversations — especially at work — without constantly having to walk things back. And when I do have to walk things back? I suck at that too. My workplace is incredibly combative and political. Everyone’s always debating something. I’m the only left-leaning person, and it’s exhausting. I feel like I need emotional armor just to open my mouth. Toastmasters? Assertiveness training? Something? If anyone has even a glimmer of a solution, please share. I will cry tears of joy. Right now, I’m stuck in a loop about something I said at work. It wasn’t terrible, but it came out wrong — and I can’t stop replaying it. I keep wondering how it was received, whether it’ll be repeated, what people think of me now. Even though I know it wasn’t a big deal, it feels huge. I lose weekends to such stress. This always happens when I let my guard down. I say something off the cuff — because I’m anxious, or trying to connect cause Im anxious, confide in a colleague. Then I remember that I dont trust my colleagues cause they differ extensively from me. So I confess that I felt sexually harassed by someone & then when my colleague responds in a sexist way. I sit there in regret. Then I spiral: Why did I say that? Why didn’t I just stay quiet? What if someone tells someone else? What if I ruined my reputation? My workplace doesn’t feel emotionally safe — it’s full of ideological tension, judgment, and values that clash with mine. I’m constantly second-guessing myself. I don’t feel like I have the right tools to cope when I say something awkward or too honest. So yeah, even though ny therapist encourages me not to monitor myself too closely, but when things like this happen, it feels like I should’ve rehearsed everything beforehand so I don't internally scream.

It use to be so much worse but I notice I over share so bad, some examples are like whenever I’m in the store and I buy some random things and I’m checking out I always try to sneak in a reason for the stuff I’m buying so the cashier doesn’t think I’m weird even tho it’s probably regular stuff. Or if I think I said something wrong to someone I try to find a way to add in something to say to ensure they heard me correct. Most times this has worked other times it’s just me overthinking it. It’s so silly but annoying sometimes. I always over share things in case someone thinks I’m weird or something. Sometimes I even do it on here, if I think my post is confusing or someone could take it out of context, I’ll say something in the comments in case someone thinks I’m strange. It’s hard to kinda just let people think whatever, but my ocd seems to obsess a lot over what others are thinking. It sucks. I always have to know what they’re thinking and if I can’t I’ll try to get them to not think that way but I can’t help what anyone’s thinking about me.