POCD, bad habits coming back and triggers 21+

Well, the only reason I've been watching porn again is because of a very bad trigger I had related to POCD and real events from something I did three years ago. Before that, I was on my way to a month without watching it. It's not even helping. It's just another mindless escape that I choose because I just don't want to deal with this anymore

@BigGyro09 I see! With OCD it's so hard to not find extreme alternatives 😭 anything is better than letting your mind ruminate. It's gonna suck but your best bet is going to be practicing sitting with the anxiety in intervals until your mind recognizes it's not a threat anymore. I know with OCD around taboo themes feels like you're not allowed to not ruminate or else your fears are true, but that's not the case and just another lie ocd is telling you, regardless of the theme. And try not to beat yourself too much for the relapsed thing. With ocd especially, the anxiety makes it feel so urgent and like you'll do anything to relieve it. Nobody can blame you and if they do they don't understand how it feels.

@Northern_Downpour I just don't know how to let the thought sit there without getting past the discomfort. The discomfort is the worst part about it because it feels like it's right every single time. Which is why I just try to escape it. I just try to run away from it with distractions so that it's not something my mind focuses on. I also know that our minds need time to just think even if people don't want to be left with their thoughts. It feels like sitting with the thoughts just make it worse. I only take relapses hard because of the questionable things I see in videos like characters looking too young or straight up nasty things in thumbnails I want nothing to do with. This stuff gets so disgusting very fast. In one video everything seemed normal until I saw that a character looked like they were too young and that just left me feeling awful because I watched it but didn't really know until it showed what he looked like. It was disturbing. It makes me think I incidentally saw something bad even if that wasn't the intent of the video. Another thing is I don't really know how to just not ruminate most times. I often forget it's a compulsion so I end up just doing it automatically.

@BigGyro09 I read somewhere something that helped me a lot and it was 'seeing things is a morally neutral action'. Which is true. Just because you accidentally saw something doesn't mean you did something bad. Nor If you realized later you did something and didn't realize at the time it was bad. Yknow? But I get you. It's not easy. You've really gotta catch yourself and redirect that focus. Maybe to a video game or something that requires attention, you can practice thought redirecting (catching yourself ruminating, telling yourself you don't have to find this out right now, and redirecting your mind to the task). But being left with your thoughts only makes it worse because of the compulsions and intrusive thoughts. If you don't engage with the intrusive thoughts eventually they can't hurt you.

@Northern_Downpour It's not the I don't believe those things opposite of the OCD but they just get so much louder than the reasonable statements. I guess what I could try to do is rationalize my worries in the perspective of someone who doesn't suffer from OCD. When I notice inappropriate things that make me uncomfortable, I just scroll by or click off entirely. Other people would do that too but thy wouldn't worry endlessly about it. I have to try and do the same for all my other thoughts. I just have to sit with them and as you say they will eventually no longer bother me. I just wish it wasn't so hard though. This is so crippling sometimes to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed or move too much. Meditating and helps with redirecting your mind. Lately I've just been trying to trust myself with who I really am against the intrusive thoughts. It's just.. they're so loud and unavoidable.

@BigGyro09 I understand. It may also help to think about how you'd treat someone else close to you if they were doing the same thing and if you'd treat them how your OCD is treating you now. If it makes you feel better, that's happened to me too. But I don't usually ruminate on it because I know I made a mistake and had no intent of looking for that thing. I know it's hard but a little self kindness goes a long way, even if you have to fake it.

@Northern_Downpour Well, that's a very interesting thing about OCD. Time and time again, I've noticed other people, whether they suffer from OCD or not, easily give reassurance and support to a sufferer to ensure them that they aren't what their OCD says they are. They treat them with great compassion and they're always there for them. Much like how we talk to each other. Not once, and nor would I ever think for a second that you are your OCD. Or any other person I've met on here with OCD. It's just so much harder to do that for yourself because it feels like (at least for me) the intrusive thoughts are sort of being excused so you need to ruminate on these things because they not only feel real but you feel you have to do it so you don't forget this bothers you even if it does? If that makes no sense, I don't blame you, but this is mostly apparent in back door spikes where people worry that they're *not* worrying about a particular thing because they're so used to it. I guess the best way to get out of this is to just tell ourselves there's nothing to worry about and OCD is constantly lying and it's stupid.

@BigGyro09 Actually that makes perfect sense, I know exactly what you mean 😂 that's why it's been so hard for me to cope with my moral ocd. I feel like if I'm ignoring it or working through the intrusive thoughts then I'm a bad person or morally terrible or agree with a morally bad thing. It causes me to get stuck in loops of rumination , checking, reassurance and avoidance and since OCD effects every aspect in my life it really leaves me with nothing. I dont know why it's so easy to excuse it with others. I'm the same way. Maybe because we understand so deeply how it affects us and wouldn't wish it on someone else. I really don't know.

@Northern_Downpour I don't really know myself, but we've always been like that as people. We're so quick to be sympathetic with other people whether it's our friends or families or just fellow acquaintances in tough times, but we just end up being so hard on ourselves even when it can be the same situation. I couldn't agree more with what you said about how it feels to ignore the OCD. It feels like whenever I get the thought of "remember that stupid thing you did many years ago" over and over again I just feel terrible. Even if it's things I feel OCD made me do because of the way it makes me think it will ridicule me even harder. Sort of like when people do checking compulsions and it goes really badly and then the OCD makes them feel so much worse because they did the compulsion in the first place. It sucks so much. You just can't win with OCD's games but what we can do is choose not to play them. As hard as that may be. Sigh. I'm very glad you understand though. You've always been helpful along with my other friends on here. I appreciate it a lot.

@BigGyro09 If there was any reasoning with OCD then I'd hope neither of us would have to be here in these situations yknow 😭 but it helps at least a little to have people who understand. I genuienly wonder what it's like for people without ocd who have gone through situations similar to ours. are they ok ? do they even care? It's a lot to think about.

@Northern_Downpour If I met someone who went through the exact kind of things I went through and didn't have OCD, I think they would be bothered by it, but they wouldn't ruminate on the same things every single day, being unsure of what's to come next. I can't even really say tbh, because it's hard for me to even imagine what the thought process would be like without OCD. That's how long I've been stuck with OCD.

@BigGyro09 Yeah, same here. Sometimes it's even surprising to remember there's people out there who aren't even mentally ill. It's hard to fathom that even being a possibility when I've been this way this long.

@Northern_Downpour Yeah. You just get used to it for so long you forget what it's like to live without it. I can barely even remember how it is. Now I'm getting hit with thoughts about what happened 3 years ago. I'm just trying my best to tell it "yeah whatever, I know what really happened" and just leave it at that. It's really hard though. I guess it just takes practice.