Deleted post.

At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.

Ever since I found out about relationship OCD, I’ve been researching non-stop. Google, Reddit, ChatGPT, this app… I regret it deeply. Before I knew what ROCD was, I still had disturbing thoughts, but I didn’t spiral like this. I didn’t question reality this deeply. But now… it’s like I’ve implanted in my mind that I have a disorder that’s “unfixable” or that only gets better with time. And even though I struggled before, since I started researching obsessively, I feel like I’ve completely lost control. My boyfriend told me that I’ve gotten worse ever since I began searching. And I see it — I used to be able to express love. I used to say “I love you” a lot. Now I can’t even say it. And when I did say it before, I think I was using it like a compulsion — like if I say it enough, maybe the thoughts will stop. But they didn’t. Now I can’t even be intimate without feeling this horrible discomfort, sometimes even disgust. And I remember telling my therapist that — and she said it’s not normal to feel disgust when your partner touches you. That devastated me. It stuck in my head. And now? It all feels real. Not like “just thoughts.” It feels like I’m denying the truth, like I’ve ruined everything by digging too deep. I’m not myself anymore. I’m not the girlfriend I used to be. I feel like I’ve lost everything — even my ability to feel love. There’s a constant pressure in my chest, like a weight I can’t describe. And no matter what anyone says — whether it’s hopeful or scary — it doesn’t bring me peace. I feel completely lost inside my own mind. I don’t even know why I’m posting. Maybe because I just want to feel less alone.

17f Basically I made a post about POCD, saying that one phrase people often say as a reassurance is not true and it never helps me because I know it's not true. At the beginning of the post I made a warning, saying that this will be triggering for those with POCD. So I warned. And then in the comments someone started seeking reassurance and freaking out. And she said stuff that are not true again, at first I argued a bit cause well... I made a post and I wanted to defend my position, so I defended what I said. Like what I needed to do? Lie to her? Now i think that I should've just ignored that user But then after we talked she said that because of my post she now thinks she is a pedophile and will off herself and then spammed me with comments asking for reassurance At first I was trying to calm her down, saying that if her psychiatrist said that she has POCD then she is not a P and stuff, but then I just realized I can't do anything so I just replied to every one of her comments "I'm not a therapist. I can't help you. You need to seek professional help and shouldn't rely on the opinion of the strangers on the internet" Now I feel so guilty. I mean she was the one to start asking questions, and sometimes when I argue I feel too passionate to defend my position in the argument and forget about people's feelings so I said a very harsh truth to her after she started arguing with me and I made it worse for her Even though I knew how suicidal you can feel because of POCD I still argued