Help

I literally can't sleep and I had a mental breakdown. I am afraid because guys don't find me attractive because I am a calm nonchalant female (often mistaken as a stud). Females always find me attractive but I only like men. I am masculine because of the constant stress of being the oldest daughter and having a father who is a narracist (cheater) who never showed me how love should be from a good man. My last relationship the guy was also a narcissistic and he saw me as competition because of my personality. It makes me very upset and emotional. Men will come up to me and say “ maybe if you acted more like a girl I would give you a chance” “ your not crazy like the others” “ don’t call me bro” “ your built like a man” I literally get used in relationships for my body. I have never been loved correctly by a man ever. And that's all i want.Every time I think about it I feel like I don’t want to date anyone anymore and save myself the trouble in the future.I just want to be taken off this earth. I feel like God is watching me struggle because he knows eventually I have to let my guard down but I can’t. Can anyone please help me? I feel like I am going insane.

Courage2Cont...

Date posted: 1y

Sooo… it doesn’t matter too much how masculine or feminine you are. Their behavior has to do with them, and no decent human being makes excuses for themselves to mistreat others. A kind person who is actually worth pursuing would be way more dialectic in turning a relationship down, and there are plenty of men out there who love women who exhibit stereotypical masculine qualities. People who say “if only you did x,y,z, I’d treat you better” are usually abusers, and take it from me… you’d rather be single than be in a relationship like that. What I found is, the more I focused on the qualities that I wanted in a partner, the more I realized I needed to adjust my life. The friends I had often made excuses for abusive behavior, which reinforced my belief that I wasn’t enough. I also realized I hadn’t healed my family wounds yet too, and in a way was still trying to fix relationships where I was doing all the emotional labor. What has helped me is focusing on rebuilding my self trust first, and only have people around who reinforce that. It’s hard and lonely at times, but it’s worth it!

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