I'm afraid that I'm just in denial. It seems to be the most reasonable and obvious answer. I tried to rationalise these previous triggering episodes, what happened july 5th. I'm afraid that I might have felt attraction. Did I even get triggered? I know I ruminated about it, but I might have ruminated because I'm in denial and I was trying to justifying myself. I'm practicing ERP but I feel guilty.
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for the time being I'm avoiding to address them, trying not to make them not meaningful, hoping to forget but i know they are coming back
@Anonymous yeah i only use this one. Maybe a better term is that l'm trying to distract myself. I've already addressed a bit yesterday about the magnitude of triggers that happened july 5th but they keep coming back as doubts, because I don't know the truth, but the truth always seem to leaning to the unthinkable, to my biggest fear. It feels very real that it just might be true. There is no space to "this is ocd, so it feels real but it isn't" in my mind, it just "is" real to me and it really just feels like that I'm trying to cover it because I'm in denial. It just feels really probable. The fact that I might have felt attraction. And I don't want that at all. Even if l'm distressed and bothered by it, it doesn't change the probability that it might have been just that. Even if I embrace uncertainty, what's the use if it was real attraction? Who knows. I'm trying to stay composed and not to have an emotional burst, well until the realisation hits.
@Anonymous I'm sorry that you're going through the same thing, but I'm also kind of relieved to have someone else relate to my experience, thank you for telling me that. I don't have a therapist unfortunately, there aren't many therapist specialised in OCD and even if they were I don't think I could handle opening up again about all these horrible things. I'm buying self help OCD books and trying to implement ERP into my daily life. But it's difficult when I have triggers happen every single day.
I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.
Hi, last year I had a trigger with my little cousin that made me spiral. Then that thought lead to another and lead to another thought and another one and so on and I've been feeling stuck (with ups and downs) over a year now. I hit rock bottom in July/August and that lead me to going to the psychiatrist. I am taking meds now, but I still feel bad. It doesn't take as much time of my life anymore but it is constantly back there in my mind. It's the feeling that I'm ignoring and undoubtable truth that soonest or later will come out, or that rejecting, or that I'm resisting. That's why it's been impossible for me to do ERP, because I think it's going to make me want to touch myself and if I do I'll feel bad. And then it feels like I like the thoughts, not only physically (groinals) but mentally??? It's like a brain fog that I can't tag between pleasure or confusion. And that thought leads me to thinking about the alleged "non-offending" ps and if that could be me. And that thought leads me to think OH MY GOD I can't BELIEVE I am a girl in my twenties obsessing over this I can't believe this is my life.
I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)
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