i can’t stop thinking. this theme has gotten so much worse like it’s really bothering me. i can’t stop ruminating of what i’ve done when i was younger, all of these that i regret and the things i wish i could change. i wish i was a normal girl. porn just really ruined everything.
I know exactly what this feels like… bothered me for so long and has turned to other types of weird anxiety inducing subjects. Don’t sit in it and talk to people who relate to you. No one admits it but everyone has these, just people who have more sensitive morals are more bothered by it. Reach out if you need someone to talk to
I have watched porn since I was a kid. It has affected me negatively too. You are not alone. I dont feel normal in my sexual desires. I feel deeply screwed up most of the time. I am extremely kinky and turned on by bad shit. I think it helps me to think of desire as a bodily process like farting. It does not make you a bad person. Going out and pursuing some of those desires with no consideration of others feelings, is what determines character. We have control. (I dont know if this is your issue but it is mine) If you think there is any "normal" person, you are seeing an illusion. Life is screwy and affects us all in weird ways.
@Anonymous thank you.
@Anonymous the regrets just speak out to me so much i literally feel like i cannot ignore it, yk?
I'm so afraid of thinking something inappropriate around family and friends that I overthink everything I think. I've been dealing with this for months and I thought I had learned how to deal with it, but I feel so suffocated. Right now I really can't breathe. I don't know what to do, I talk to people in this community but I still feel so alone.
POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?
My intrusive images were an absolute nightmare back in April. I honestly don’t even know how it got better, I had written a letter to God begging for help. Well recently idk if it’s because I’ve been stressed a lot again and ruminating on a lot of pocd related things from the past the make me worry, but the images have started again and even though they are repulsive and awful, I feel like I’m not reacting how I should. I think I just got to where I would just try to like blink it away and ignore it, but I feel so bad if I’m not feeling absolute shame and guilt. I feel like I feel too normal and sometimes I forget that if anyone knew besides people on here, I can’t imagine what people would think, but I also know it’s not who I am so I feel like I don’t worry as much as I should. Also, I can’t stop worrying about fanfiction I read when I was like 16 and 17. It really bothers me because I keep wondering did I imagine this one character my age? Why did I read this? Did I even know what aging up was then, and even if I did it’s wrong and gross anyway but if I didn’t age this character up then that’s awful. And i just can’t let go but I think it’s triggering me to have the images so idk what to do.
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