- Date posted
- 1y
POCD - thinking kids are cute in movies etc
So POCD is one of my themes that crops up from time to time, but when it does, it's the worst one, like a sledgehammer. Recently I was just watching a crime movie (I'll omit the name) and this kid was one of the protagonists. As soon as they showed his face, I thought 'what a cute kid! He's going to grow up so handsome'. I was horrified that I thought that, and it threw me immediately into checking behaviour that I KNOW I shouldn't do... analysing my reactions to him in the rest of the movie, analysing his features, comparing them to adults. Unfortunately, it's led to me spiralling and thinking about ALL the times I've ever thought a kid was "cute" - like photos of my friends' kids, or other movies, or in the street randomly. It's truly amazing how much OCD files away, that you thought you'd forgotten about, until it comes to slam you with it. I then remembered watching a crime movie about a kid who was abused by a Catholic priest, and then a story I read once with similar themes. I dont remember thinking much about it at the time, but now I look back and think "did you enjoy watching/reading that? Why would you read/watch such horrible things?" And yeah, sleeping has been difficult. In those quiet moments at night, I can hear my brain just yelling at me that I'm a p***. The worst was then reading that apparently some p**** are also attracted to adults too. I don't know 100% how true it is, but that was devastating to me, because it's always been reassuring that I am definitely attracted to adults, and always have been. (Even as a teen myself, it was a joke how I always would be the one to crush on an older teacher!) It's just horrible, it really is. I mean, I used to volunteer in schools- no problem at all! And then suddenly this happens. In my more kinder to myself moments, I think about the darker crime stuff and wonder if it's just morbid curiosity. I mean, I didn't make the movies or write the books, and no one is accusing the authors or filmmakers of being p**** so.... !? Idk.