When I was half asleep today, trying to wake up, my brain kept asking me if I thought this picture of my friend was attractive, I kept replying with ā maybe, I donāt know, I really canāt tellā .. orā¦ ā I feel like I doā ā maybe I doā ā I feel like I mightā ,, and then Iām like wait sheās 13 in these pictures, Iām not sure if I was aware of it, but still, it doesnāt matter, Iām still saying it and Iām like āwhy am I saying this??ā I generally donāt know how I feel anymore, I donāt wanna be a bad person, I just donāt understand why I think this is play to say, or feel?? Maybe because my brain is trying to justify it? It tries to justify everything wrong, so makes it feel like it so it makes it harderā¦
I feel like a genuine bad person, because I donāt know how I feel about it, I really donāt know, Iām scared does it mean Iām a bad person? Because I donāt know how I feel about it.
I asked myself if Iām genuinely attracted. And I donāt know anymore. Because I donāt know how I feel about it anymore, I feel like my brain is playing a part in it because it tries to tell me that itās not wrong. Yes it is wrong though but itās like no itās not wrong, It makes me really scared. I generally feel like Iām attracted to her and that I have nothing against it and I donāt know what to do anymore., some people may argue that itās not wrong, but I believe itās wrong. So I have no idea why I fucking said that. I genuinely think itās over. I donāt know if I actually am anymore. I asked myself do I actually feel attraction, because i used to go to a conclusion and say no I donāt. And actually feel that way. But now I donāt feel anything but like pain. Because I donāt want to be. At the same time I feel like I just lied and I do want to feel attraction. I just wanna explain how I feel but I canāt.
All I know and what I can explain, is that when my brain was asking me these things I said ā I feel like I might maybe I do I canāt tell ā and why did I say that to a 13-year-old? Why? And why am I still saying it even after realizing that maybe I shouldnāt be saying it. Iām 16 for goodness sake. I donāt wanna think about these things. My brain is making me feel like I do and I do and Iām like Iām so confused.