It’s all becoming too much. Im scared that maybe I am just insane and crazy and I don’t deserve to be loved or to live because of my past actions that are disgustingly repulsive. What if im just using OCD as an excuse? I cant stop thinking about it and its making me depressed because im scared that I am just a terrible human being.
i’m going through the exact same thing and it makes me feel like my life is already ruined so i should just c**mit already but please understand that those thoughts are also ocd. ocd is everything when it comes to this stuff.
@trueblue Can I ask what helped? I have POCD combined wirh real event and false memory. My ocd reminds me all the time of me being the only person with this, the only one who has done something this bad etc etc and that IM the exception in that it’s not my OCD. how did you get over it?
@Anonymous321 honestly i’m still not over it. real event ocd plus pocd is such a tricky one, right now the only thing that’s really helping is understanding that im not alone or the only person who has ever made a mistake before. but im sure it won’t work next week lmao
@trueblue Exactlyyyy omg like logically, I know who I am. But my real event catastrophizes and makes my event seem way worse, making me think I’m super super super awful and irredeemable and everything I’ve ever done was calculated and premeditated
i struggle with this as well. sometimes my brain tries to make me believe that i’m making it up and doing it to myself, that’s pretty common with OCD. i did some really shitty things as a teenager due to trauma and i believe my intrusive thoughts. it haunt ms quite often. my therapist tries to remind me that everyone does things they aren’t proud of, and mental illness has been highly stigmatized for so long. for a long time nobody understood what we were going through, and some people still don’t. it’s okay to be upset with yourself over things you’ve done, but we also have to learn how to forgive ourselves. nobody is unworthy of growth and grace, being a human is so hard especially one with mental health issues. you are worthy of love and happy life. i can see you regret what you’ve done and are trying to be better, that’s all that matters in my book❤️
Does anyone ever get scared that they are just trying to convince themselves that it’s OCD. I have this fear that my intrusive thoughts about harm aren’t actually intrusive nor is it actually OCD and I’m actually some sort of crazy evil human being all of a sudden. As I’m writing this I can see how silly that is. Of course it’s OCD, but there is always that “what if” and it makes me scared of myself. I know that this could be considered “obsessing about obsessing,” but like I said, there is always that, “What if you are different? An anomaly.”
It started a month ago on vacation. I started getting intrusive thoughts about harming my loved ones in their sleep and it scared me so bad. I thought it would stop but it only got worse. Here I am a month later and things have changed drastically. My thoughts have now shifted to becoming some serial killer. I am so worried it’s all I think about. I can’t stop thinking about the things I did as a kid and how it could validate all my thoughts. I don’t wanna hurt anyone or anything at all. I am so scared of the thought of the notorious serial killers that I’ve heard about in the past and I can’t stop comparing myself to these horrible people. I’m scared because I used to be mean to animals as a kid and people say this is the first thing to look for in serial killers. I remember still having a lot of empathy for them when I was young too. I look back and cant at all understand why I was like that. It makes me wanna breakdown and punch myself. All of that stopped a really long time ago and every since I have done nothing but helped and empathized with animals. I am every surrounded by them and consider them to be more family than pets. I get extremely upset over anything or anyone who is suffering. I just can’t get that memory of me doing that stuff out of my head and I’m afraid it means it validates my thoughts I’ve been having even though this is not what i want to happen. I’ve been completely avoidant of alcohol and refused to take a medication I was prescribed because irritability was a side effect and I’m afraid of snapping and hurting someone. I just can’t stop thinking about my past and how it could correlate to now. Even though I have grown up to have morals and respect for everything I have a fear that it’s all been a lie. I get so much anxiety from thinking about this stuff. I haven’t eaten in almost 3 days because my stomach is in a constant knot and when I do eat I feel too guilty to do so because I’m not paying attention to these thoughts and sometimes it makes me question whether I secretly want to do bad stuff which I don’t and that scared me so bad. I made an emergency appointment right after I started having these thoughts and they diagnosed me as having schizotypal personality disorder. They said I have been having ocd “tendencies “ because I have the thoughts and constantly googling everything which I guess would be a compulsion. I have been looking on forums for people with past actions similar to mine to see other peoples reactions. I’m not sure what this is anymore. Idk if this is ocd or I’m just using it as an excuse. All I know is that I’m extremely scared. I vowed if this stuff as everything something I would even think about doing I would take myself out before I ever hurt anyone else. It’s scary but it’s what I always tell myself when I doubt any of this.
Today I realized I’m actually really scared of becoming a bad person. I’ve been dealing with symptoms of OCD for a few years now, or maybe they were always there and i never knew what it was. I’m scared that i’ll eventually become a bad person. I’m scared I’ll hurt someone one day, even though i have no violent urges or tendencies. I’m scared i’ll be a pedophile even though i have no attraction to kids. I’m scared that i’ve done something really bad to someone and i don’t remember. I’m just scared and I wish I could tell people my thoughts but i know it’s hard to understand intrusive thoughts when you don’t have them.
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