tired of the struggle

I’m not sure if i have ocd, but i feel like all the signs point to rocd. I will suddenly have this freezing all consuming anxiety about my relationship. I will get triggered randomly and then spiral for weeks about how i feel for my partner. we have been together ten years, we got married last year, and in those ten years i’ve had this happen a few times. My brain will keep telling me that i’m in the wrong relationship, that i don’t love him, that i’m lying to him and everyone i know. I feel so frustrated because the times where i’m not going through anxiety, i am perfectly happy and in love. My brain keeps telling me to leave. To run away from him because i am a liar. how do i calm myself down? how do i fix this? does anyone have advice to help me? even as i write this, my brain is telling me i am lying and that it’s ocd i just need to leave, but i don’t want to. please help :(

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Hi there! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years and my ROCD kicked in around year 4 when conversations of moving in and getting married were out there. Unfortunately as time went on my OCD latched onto SO-OCD which makes me feel terrified even more about my relationship. What if I don’t love him? If this new fear is true then I never loved him! Why am I not jumping into engagement when everyone around me is. I feel like I really do want to marry him, but my brain won’t stop! I’ve felt like a liar like you said and an imposter to everyone around me. A big compulsion I have done is confessing. I’ve confessed everyyyything to my partner and loved ones. Every fear that pops up. Every “incorrect thought” I’ve had ever in my relationship, from crushes on other people to insecurities about my relationship. I’ve even tried to break up with my boyfriend. Maybe it would make me “less of a liar”. It didn’t. Because I’m not, and you are not. Everyone has doubts in relationships, ESPECIALLY when they are long term and the excitement and newness of falling in love wears off. It’s your inability to let this obsession go that is the problem. It’s performing compulsions such as thinking through your thoughts: mentally checking your feelings, remembering memories when you felt a certain way (perfect or not), trying to feel “correct” based on the story OCD is telling you. And there’s more. But the first step is talking to a licensed OCD therapist. From there, you can talk about the road to recovery. No one deserves to feel like their life is being taken from them because of measly thoughts or feelings. You are more than your thoughts.

stargirlmoon

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous that’s exactly how i feel, like my life is being taken from me. It’s all consuming, and makes me seriously feel ill from anxiety. I have personally not confessed but my compulsions want to so bad. they want to me break up with him and leave, but that is not what i want at all. I just want to feel normal again, and happy. I unfortunately cannot afford therapy right now, so i’m trying my best to just hold on and push through this. hopefully you’re doing well!

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@stargirlmoon Hold on to what you want. Your thoughts and feelings do not have to control what decisions you make. And know that going around in circles in your brain to figure out this answer is keeping you stuck! I know you mentioned you can’t afford therapy right now, but I saw this suggestion on a different post which was to reach out to someone that does OCD peer support like Chrissie Hodges. Also NOCD allows you one free phone call to learn more about it and if you explain to them your concern with payment right now they may suggest other resources you can try or books to read.

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