Horror movie

So for as long as I’ve been alive I’ve loved horror/ thriller movies and books. I really only enjoy reading thriller books. Since my harm ocd hit I have slowly started back reading thriller again, but I have to check for triggers before each one I read. There’s been a few books that I was really loving that I had to stop reading because something that would trigger my ocd would come up ( my theme is going crazy becoming dangerous , schizophrenia etc ) so if a character in a book starts hearing voices or something, I get so anxious. I want to be able to read and watch horror / thrillers again. Do I simply need to just continue reading / watching and sit with the anxiety?

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

How do fellow OCD people feel about horror? I feel like us OCD people have such high anxiety and intrusive disturbing thoughts that i assume a lot of us ignore or avoid horror. I find that i love it but my OCD doesn’t. It’s good exposure. I also feel emotional dysregulation so it intensifies the experience.