My past is triggering me and it’s drowning

My first memory of doing compulsive actions to ease anxiety was when my mom had her final stroke. I remember there was urine everywhere because she had it as she was going to the restroom and I was the only one home. I was 11 at the time and she was so scared and i didn’t know what to do, I was just trying to clean up the mess and help her while keeping it together. Long story short, while the paramedics where stabilizing her in the ambulance I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and no matter how much I washed I couldn’t get the “dirty” feeling off. It slowly progressed as I grew up and got worse and worse. Everything I touch a lot of time feels like either my brother or mother touched it. My brother was alway extremely violent and after my mom passed I started to have nightmares that he would sexually assault me, because my bio father is a pedo and I keep grouping my brother and him together, like they are working to ruin my life. And thoughts like that and everything with my mom is drowning me. I don’t know how to let the past go. I’m writing this because at the moment I feel so contaminated and I’m so stuck. Sorry for tmi, I just want to understand if my past is triggering my ocd and how would I solve that?? Even though that’s a big question , any advice or anything would be so appreciated.

Contamination OCD

Musicmarble

Date posted: 1y

I’m going through something similar. This is sad and also TMI so trigger warning. My mom was dying of heart failure in 2020 and I found out she had been peeing in a bucket because she didn’t have the strength to make it to the bathroom. She would stay in the bedroom (we lived in a 1br apt) and I was sleeping in the living room. One day she called me over to help her to the bathroom for #2 but she was sick to her stomach and couldn’t wait. Opted for the pee bucket where she accidentally got stuck. I couldn’t help her out of it and as embarrassing as it was I had to call 911 for her being stuck in this feces urine filled bucket. She was the type that always stressed wearing clean underwear outside in case of an emergency so i can just imagine the panic she must have felt. While I was calling 911 she told me to tell them she had chest pain and couldn’t breathe. They got her off the bucket but she ended up passing out. She was taken to the hospital for a heart attack and died on Christmas morning. I couldnt enter the room for a long time and it was just me and the still full bucket that I was too sad and disgusted to go near. I called a bio cleanup team to clean the bedroom for me and a neighbor even bought me a new bed. I still sleep on my couch every night. It’s been 3.5 years and I’m so depressed stuck on this couch. I’ve been struggling with ocd bad since she passed. Spiritually the worst, I’m an atheist who’s afraid of being haunted or possessed. I don’t leave my couch and my ocd is so bad I focus on every single movement I make everything I hear and everything I touch/feel. Every blink every breath, my facial expressions, my thumbs touching when I type, I’ve argued with my fingernails, I’ve argued with loading screens, I’ve spent days on end saying no thanks to everyone and everything as if the innocent people on Facebook advertising the best croissant in New York we offering me a ticket to hell.

Monarchbutte...

Date posted: 1y

@Musicmarble Thank you so much for sharing. I really relate with that feeling of just being so focused on everything. Certain feelings bring me right back and cause a lot of anxiety and panic attacks, and I just cant get out of it a lot of the time. I can’t use any of the old towels in my households closet because it’s like I can still smell and feel the urine on them. When I moved, it helped for sure, not being in that place anymore, but it still haunts me every waking minute. I’m also an atheist who has always been scared of being haunted, or more so just being watched, for a year after my mom passed I had my radio turned up every night while I slept because I kept thinking I heard her voice call to me. It’s really difficult, even after time has passed. I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through and are currently going through, I hope that you find some comfort and peace of mind in the near future. I wish you the best of luck, and thank you for your story, it’s really made me feel less alone.

SunnyAnon

Date posted: 23w

dealing with OCD flashbacks 18+

i currently am getting over my period and have been having a horrible flashbacks from some real events. it’s a amalgamation of all of the horrible things i did as a child/young teenager. all of it associated with p0rnography + sexual activities i did. i was exposed to sexual activity very young and it lead me down a dark path. i’ve had OCD forever it seems. it’s hard because i can see that i’ve had OCD symptoms since childhood but i constantly doubt wether or not my actions where because of OCD or something i genuinely wanted/was attracted to. i can’t seem to differentiate the two and it’s scaring me. i’m worried i was genuinely into the kind of stuff and it’s constantly flashing in my mind the last two days of things i compulsively did years ago. to be absolutely clear it has been years since i’ve even thought about those taboo things or saw anything of that sort. i’m talking 5 or 6 years give or take. it still feels like yesterday. in recent years i’ve completely pulled away from p0rn and now find it and s3x a lot less appealing. but every so often i get these intense flashbacks on things i did or saw or thought and it puts everything on hold. everything im interested in gets but on the back burner in fear of my intrusive thoughts being thrown into the mix. currently experiencing that now. im mortified of ruining everything i love because of these stupid thoughts. does anyone have any advice or experience with this specifically and have any tips???

Roseptlss

Date posted: 20w

Persistent Intrusive thoughts about past actions

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

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My past is triggering me and it’s drowning

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