does anyone else feel like their life is ran by OCD right now? Can’t have “me time” , can’t simply change my kid , can’t play with my kid without feeling like something is gonna happen. i’m crying right now about it and sometimes I just wanna give my daughter up for adoption just so I know it’s not gonna happen. but that’s gonna hurt me too so I won’t be entirely free , WHAT DO I DO??? help ….
First let's clear this up quickly. Based on your brief explanation, it seems like the answer is: Yes. Your life is currently owned and operated by the symptoms of OCD. I have been there, and I have experienced the same distress enough to distance me from my own child and family. I wasn't able to really see them, because while I was looking at them I was more focused on the hellish landscape of the obsessive thoughts. I had to perform hours and hours of ritual compulsions or else I believed something bad was going to happen to me or my child or family. What did I do about it? First, I listened to the truth. Someone that loved me and wanted me to get help told me my life was run by this discorder, instead of being run by me. I had no choice but to accept that reality. From there, I had no idea what to do. All I knew is what I learned to accept: OCD symptoms had taken control. I could not climb out from the pit of obsessive snakes that bit repeatedly me and injected compulsive venom that coursed through my veins. I had no idea what the antidote was. Then, I listened to that same person one more time, and they had to tell me what to do. They told me to take a shower, to eat, and to sleep. And so I did. The next day, I did the same thing all over again. It became my lifeline. It was such a pathetic and small routine that, while I was at my worst, was insurmountable. But, every day, I showered, I ate, and I slept. After some time of performing my silly little tasks, the same person came through and gave me another task. I was to do something I enjoy, like listen to music or do a puzzle (I happen to enjoy Sudoku very much). Even so, after I did one enjoyable task, I then showered, ate, and slept. The point of this tragic tale is not to prescribe any task to you. The point is to start so pathetically small in your steps forward that it would be impossible to fail. Accepting that my life became unmanageably Obsessive-comuplsive seemed like a major leap at the time. Today, I look back at that moment of acceptance and realize that it wasn't even an action. It was a realization, a decision... It was a thought that was bold enough to interrupt the chain of rumination for one crucial second, long enough to start the process of transformation from 8 years ago up until this moment of writing. And I have faith that, if I continue to remember that moment of accepting what the other person had told me, I will also continue to transform. Sometimes the process of transformation is more remarkable than the result. But it all starts with itty bitty steps. I know you can do it.
I have to be alone with my children tomorrow and I'm scared. Harm OCD has me panicking and ruminating. I don't want to hurt my babies they mean everything to me. I keep fighting for them, I got a better job for them and I want to create a better life for them. I'm so afraid that I might hurt them so I need to be away from them but I also don't want to be away from them. The thoughts and images are so much. I'd rather die before I hurt them. Accepting the uncertainty of possibly hurting them is not something I can accept or live with. And it doesn't help having existential ocd because that says none of it matters anyway. I just want to be the old me, I hate this disorder I hate this disease I hate me for having these thoughts. I'm sorry for ranting. I just need to get it out. I hate this worry disorder!
Please if someone can reply! I really just need someone to talk to. I don’t even know how to control my OCD. It honestly feels like it’s controlling me. Everyday my mind focuses on every bodily sensation I have and it’s like a broken record player, I have horrible health anxiety and my OCD just makes it worst just thinking about it everyday. It feels like everyone who I explain it to looks at me like I’m stupid/crazy. I use to be much more tame with my OCD, I use to eat things without worry, now I can’t even touch things I use to eat without worrying that I’ll get an allergic reaction (despite eating them BEFORE,,,but my mind tells me otherwise) and omg worrying about heart attacks, pulmonary issues..and I couldn’t even enjoy my own child’s birth because my mind was on high alert thinking I would hemorrhage any second or develop pre-E (complications of postpartum) I was miserable for the first couple of months of my baby’s life and I didn’t know what to do. And now, I’m pregnant with my second (4wks) and all the OCD thoughts and anxiety is coming back at me and I have no one to talk to, I feel lonely. And even if I considered taking a pill, I’d worry about being allergic to it and refusing to take it. I ruin everything for everyone. I remember I ate out one night and I started to think “you’re gonna pass out! You’re gonna pass out! (Without ever passing out before) and I had to leave! I feel like I ruin the mood for everyone when I don’t even try to, and I hate it.
Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired
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