Please help

I think what is making me to analyze over and over again is because I had that thought "voluntarily" (idk how else to describe it) at the moment I was angry/annoyed and calmed down a little after that stupid thought came up and like once I got home I was much more relaxed and remembered that I had those thoughts and started to ruminate and researched to check if that's still ocd or normal and symptoms and started to feel anxious over it bc does that mean I have some sort of desire?? Would I actually do that?? Does that mean that this whole time I was faking it or don't have ocd??? It's been bugging me so much

@Aphid123 And also think like "why would I even think like that in the first place?" The thought in itself was less than 8 seconds but it took over my whole day practically 😞

@Aphid123 i know it’s easier said than thought, especially with ocd which finds a way to blow every normal thing out of proportion. but you thought that in the first place because you were angry and anger is a normal human response, mood and emotion. of course i don’t know what you thought, it could’ve been something really crazy but aggression is normal and you don’t have anger issues because you had a thought about someone. i had a thought about pushing a girl down the stairs once because she stole my seat lol (bitch) but i never actually did it, it was a thought. this was years ago and i’ve never pushed a person down the stairs. and just because you were actually feeling that emotion, (anger) doesn’t mean that your ocd didn’t get involved, it saw you were feeling anger so it forced an angry image or thought in your mind.

@Aphid123 That’s completely okay. The research, reassurance seeking and looking for some type of evidence to an intrusive thought, will be hard to process. Again, you were consumed with other emotions in an instant that happened so quickly. So your mind reacted with emotion, anger and frustration, which is completely okay. But OCD likes to tackle our vulnerability, whether that be us resting with no hard thoughts, or when we feel overcome with another emotion whether that be joy or anger. In this instance, it would have used anger as a way to approach an uncomfortable thought to you, since that’s what you were feeling, thus making it feel “voluntary.” However, you wouldn’t do such a thing. As you said, it was a momentary thing that happened, which still is so so distressful of course. But the analysis over it and trying to connect it with the emotion of anger, is the OCD trying to make sense of a made up narrative that wouldn’t happen. It’s placed there to intentionally cause distress and anxiousness, while masking it as a “normal reaction or thought” I’m sorry it’s been rough to understand, and it’s certainly not easy. But I applaud you for opening up and trying!

@Aphid123 Understandably so! Such thoughts that are out of character and not something we’d ever do, will be distressing and difficult to approach and understand, because it doesn’t relate to who we are. That’s how OCD can target us with such harsh thoughts. OCD pushes scary and out of proportion narrative, to create negative emotions and reactions within ourselves It’s not our fault. So practicing patience with ourselves is what we can try! You’ve been so self aware throughout of all, which is great to understand how the thought had came about Remember, you are not your thoughts. They can’t control you. They may consume us with negative emotions and energy, and thus try to throw negative narratives to make it seem believable, but it’s all purposefully made up, to cause a stressful situation. To disregulate us It’s not your fault. You didn’t think that with intention. You were dealing with a different situation, while OCD took that as an opportunity to try and “re write” the scene, to come across as you being a perpetrator, when you are not! Just a victim of these hard thoughts OCD isn’t the truth I hope you have been able to get some rest today, and feeling a bit better :)

@Heaven1sonearth It was an angry thought like yours I wasn't going to do it but in the heat of the moment it felt like I "liked" the thought since I calmed down after thinking it. I had then forgotten I even had that thought until I came home and was cooled off and remembered and now I'm scared that means I always have liked those type of thoughts and that i am in denial about it. I keep reminding myself "but you don't even like thinking about it. You try to distract yourself all the time to prevent those thoughts and you avoid anything related to it" but like I still feel anxious. I read a post about denial here and felt triggered bc it was like "denial is when you don't want to be that and you get anxious bc you get thoughts, ocd is being scared of the actions" and like now I've been questioning myself if that means I'm in denial because my anxiety revolves in me not wanting to be a criminal! I don't want to do those things! And it feels like I can't even say I have ocd anymore because it feels like I'm "lying" I woke up with my stomach in knots 😔