- Date posted
- 1y
Memories and pocd
I told my therapist about my childhood, I told her about the things I didn't wanna think about but was always in the back of my mind leaving me with guilt and disgust, I finally talked about those memories of doing things as a kid that I shouldn't have been doing with other kids, even with other kids in my own family. It's always been hard for me to think about because of how disgusting it makes me feel, but I finally had the strength to talk about it I felt so relieved that I said it all out loud, and it turns out I was just an unsupervised and curious child looking for attention from other people my age For a long time this has massively affected my pocd because of how much I think about those times, at the time it felt good but it's conflicting because I was a child back then and so where the others, I thought I was a pedophile for thinking about it so hard, I wanted to apologize to all of the others, although it was all consensual, it was still easier to blame myself fully and in my head I made myself out to be some kind of predator when I wasn't at that age and I'm not one now, I just felt guilty. Guilty about exposing the others to things that I was exposed to by other kids. I think the worst thing that came out of it for me was when I was chatting with someone on Omegle and they told me to do something very inappropriate even though they knew how old I was and I did it, even though I knew I shouldn't have, and then they just left. I still struggle with pocd, I get triggered when people make jokes about me, implying that I'm a predator (me and my friends make obviously bad jokes to each other and exaggerate, they'd never actually call me or anyone that lightly, just to make things clear because I know that sounds AWFUL but it's like "oh you like this kids show? Guess you must be a pedo😵💫🤢" and wed say it in an obviously stupid way to let everyone know that it's a joke and it's kinda like mocking people that actually say things similar to that, I'm sorry for explaining the joke too much this probably makes it look even worse than it is 😭😭) And I get highly defensive, and then I think that everyone thinks that I'm a predator like I just did with that little rant explaining a stupid joke, even now It's still hard because I never want people to misunderstand me, I always try to clarify what I say and make sure I can't possibly be misunderstood, probably to an obsessive extent which is why there's an O in POCD lol It WILL get easier for me, and hopefully one day I won't feel like I'm on trial all the time because of my own brain, I will admit though, it was hard admitting this on a public platform, but I have to remember that people are more understanding than I give them credit for, if I saw a post like this then I'd understand, so I'm sure other people will too, and if they don't? I can always obsessively explain everything I said in detail!!