I don’t even think I have hocd at this point. I’ve begun to worry that I’m just genuinely questioning my sexuality. I’ve always liked guys, but I’ve begun to wonder if that’s just because I ASSUMED I did. Plus I get really scared because I’ve always sorta had something about boobs?? Ahhh idk. It makes me wonder if I’m sexually attracted to women though :// And also, I worry about my personality. I’m not extremely confident, and I’m not the kinda girl who can be ‘flirty’ with her friends, because I’ve always feared it’d make me look gay. But any other girl that does it doesn’t seem gay to me. It’s weird. Or like, I feel weird complimenting girls’ boobs and stuff. And I always wonder (and worry) if I’d be the ‘man’ in a lesbian relationship because of this. Not that there is a man and woman in a lesbian relationship. I don’t even know why I think like that. I’m not a girly girl... I’m sorta just a girl! I’m feminine, but I worry I’m not feminine enough. Which is dumb, I know. I just worry that my friends could ever think I have a crush on them or something. I have friends who are bi, but I’d never wonder if they like me, because they sorta just have that ‘dainty’ personality? Ahhh idk!! They’re just girly I guess? It’s so hard to explain :( Honestly though, if I was more feminine and self assured, I wouldn’t give a shit if I was bi. I’d embrace it! Which then makes me worry I’m closeted right now because I fear what people will think. Or I fear my friends will think I like them. Oh god.

Just out of curiosity, since you said you're a woman who has been with another woman, do you experience HOCD or another type primarily? Also, I appreciate your emphasis on "natural and organic." I also think I'm probably some variation of bisexual, but even so, my method of thinking about things is typically far more rigid than organic, which allows me to recognize when the OCD is kicking in

It’s just weird because I sometimes fear I’ll never be happy if I’m not my true self! And to be my true self, I have to come out. Which scares me. And it’s scares me that maybe I’m just closeted because I’m scared what people think! If I developed a crush on a girl, I genuinely don’t know what I’d do. I think I’d keep it a secret... and THAT’S what makes me think it’s not hocd.

And sometimes I wonder if once I’m out of school, this’ll be easier. I can just reinvent myself. Ahhh idk. It makes me think it’s not hocd though.

@butwhatif Sorry for the late reply, I took a break for a bit to find the right headspace. I dont know specifically what kind of OCD i have, i think the subtypes are all fairly interrelated, i just know that it impacts aspects of my life pretty severely. Though I was really happy when i was with another girl, i constantly ruminate over whether or not there is any “hetero” in me. So i constantly have intrusive thoughts and feelings in that regard, which severely affects my relationships because i dont know how to feel natural (so is it unnatural because of my ocd or is it unnatural because im a les etc etc etc, you can see where the spiraling comes in). I dont really have advice in that regard since this is something i currently battle on the daily but i would just encourage the search for authenticity, and if you find that in another woman, by all means pursue it

@acurti29 Thank you for your reply! I appreciate it. I hope you’re in a better headspace today :(

@acurti29 This makes sense! Thanks so much for your reply

You’re right. Thank you :)