Engagement ROCD (TW: assault)

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

Hi all, I’m new here and this is my first post. I was diagnosed with OCD back in March and started therapy, but was only able to complete a few sessions before my therapist had a baby. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 11 months and I’ve constantly been thinking about her past. More specifically something she told me that happened while her and I were speaking. In just two days it will be a year since she told me about the fact that she was assaulted by someone she met online. ( we both met online). It took place while we were talking. Originally when she told me, she told me she had sex with a guy she met online she told me she went over to watch a movie and then they had sex. Recently after we discussed it since it was weighing on my mind, she revealed to me that it wasn’t consensual and that she was sexually assaulted/raped. She told me she initially thought it was sex because it’s what she was sued to from her last relationship. She was abused and assaulted a lot by her ex, and this thing was normal for her. She said she didn’t realize how bad everything was until after we had been dating and she saw what true consensual sex was. The problem I have is that my brain knows every detail of what happened but keeps blaming her for her. My brain keeps telling me it was her choice and her fault and it justifies it by saying that she went over knowing it was a possibility he would want sex, so therefore it’s her fault. This has been straining me for so long because I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything seems to trigger a thought about it. I know inside what happened and what led to it, but I constantly think about it possibly being something else. I constantly think about every little detail. It has led me to having thoughts of “maybe I shouldn’t date someone that did this” as it doesn’t match my definition of the “perfect partner”. I have no idea what to do anymore. I obsess over things she had done with her ex in order to be loved by him. Like drinking, smoking weed, etc all things that I am against. I know she doesn’t do this anymore and was coaxed into it, but I’m constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of “she isn’t perfect because of XYZ so I shouldn’t be with her”. I won’t go into any details about the assault out of respect for her. I feel I’m constantly fighting myself and every good day I have gets overshadowed by one bad day :( I cannot see my therapist again until August and it worries me a lot.

I am at a very difficult spot in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and I have a history of cheating that for years we’ve been trying to work through. To me, it makes a lot of sense that my OCD has attached itself to this and for the last few years I’ve experienced intrusive sexual thoughts of others and relationship ocd. I have been open to him about the content of my thoughts and now, with a proper diagnosis of an anxiety disorder, I am able to reframe them and work through them with ERP so that my brain will *hopefully* get bored and stop sending them. But, things have not been easy. As a result of this and everything in our past, he has become anxious about all the scenarios where I could be having sexualized thoughts about other people. To him, if I am thinking something utterly different than what I am telling him or acting like to him, he can’t fully trust it. And of course, I can imagine how difficult it is to know your life partner is sexualizing others in her brain and to be able find a way to dismiss them as unthreatening, especially when past mistakes say otherwise. Is there anyone that has gone through this with a partner? And other than repeatedly explaining the egodystonic nature of my thoughts and providing reassurance, what are some things you did that helped them? Any advice helps! Thank you