No No No

@Zoroarcanine I really needed to hear this! Thank you :))

@Beachgirl2024 You’re welcome! You can do this!

What if I feel this is the person I always was and just didn't notice or didn't want to notice, I'm gettin more and more memories that fit with denial and not with OCD, and I know they are not false memories

@Nicolas:) Denial is the opposite of OCD. It just feels like it is. Someone in denial can accept the truth,but doesn’t want to come out for other reasons and is able to just move on, while someone with OCD will obsess about knowing what their orientation is for weeks or months, which I know you have. I went undiagnosed with OCD from my previous experience with SOOCD for 8 years. My bully of a mind loves to use the times where I had same sex sexual thoughts that I was able to just move past during that time, as times I was actually in denial rather than just the intrusive thoughts that I know they are. It’s hard to see them for what they are when you’re in the thick of OCD but you just need to try to trust the you you think you are

@Zoroarcanine - Yeah but I never obsses about "knowing what my orientation is" cause it was never exploratory, all I did, I did it to prove I was straigh which could fit with denial

@Nicolas:) I would disagree with that. It might not feel like you’re obsessing of knowing what your orientation is, but the very fact you have thought about this topic for as long as you have is you obsessing over that. Someone in denial doesn’t do that. They’re in denial so they would rather avoid the topic and move on not worry about if they’re potentially gay or straight for hours a day for weeks and months on end. I’ll take a current example for myself. I hurt my ankle pretty bad a couple of weeks ago. It’s potentially broken but because if it is broken I’m going to miss the rest of my summer volleyball league I’m choosing to ignore it. The pain is still very much there but because of the ramifications I just accept it could be broken and spend my time thinking about other things

@Zoroarcanine - No yeah, I get the obssesive part, but what worries me is that I had this thoughs since I was 13, and at first I wasn't obssesing over them I just had them, they made me unconfortable, and then I got distracted with something else, I don't remenbber exactly, the point is that at first it wasn't obssesive, it became an every day obssesion when I was 17, so I worry that it was denial at first because of that

@Nicolas:) I totally get that. Everybody gets those kinds of thoughts. It’s just people without OCD are able to recognize it as junk where are brains lack the ability to do that. Back when you were 13-17 you just handled those thoughts how you want to handle them now. Maybe the triggering event for your OCD hadn’t been caused or you were obsessing over other things. Either way how you handled them back then was recognizing them as junk. It’s just your obsession now, and compulsion via ruminating, that is causing you to chew over information you already sorted to look for hidden meanings to past thoughts when there are none.

@Zoroarcanine This might be a little off topic but why is it when I’m in an OCD episode I don’t want the thoughts but then when I get out of it, I want the thoughts almost like I want them to come true 😭

@Zoroarcanine - I mean, it wasnt obssesive but they were kind of frequent, maybe twice a month or smth, funny enough, they never happened while I was watching tv, only in real life, you know, I was trying to refute you, like go againts you, but then I was like, I think he's right lol

@Beachgirl2024 - I wouldn't be able to tell you, feels like I'm always in an OCD episode, allthough, it might be, maybe that when we are feeling kind of better, at least I get the feeling that I left something unsolve

@Beachgirl2024 I’ve had this happen before too. My therapist describes OCD as a bully, and a bully wants to mess with you anyway it can. That’s just another way it can do that and get you too fall back for its tricks because you start obsessing once again

@Nicolas:) 🤣🤣🤣 yeah I convinced you, now you’re totally cured of your OCD!…if only it worked that way. This illness absolutely sucks, and I’m sorry you’ve been going through it as long as you have. Today was a tough day for myself after some of the best days that I have had after being exposed to some triggers. It sucks that this illness rarely lets you know peace but you can still find happiness through it. You just have to aim for what you think you want, even if it means acting your way through it. You get learn to live with this illness!

@Zoroarcanine - Yeah man but this feels so real, I just got a test result that says that I'm an emotional bisexual, don't even know what that means, never had a crush on a guy

@Nicolas:) It’s funny how this illness affects us all differently. My brain refuses to see bisexual as an option. I wish it would because that means I can just be with my wife, but my brain is stuck on one or the other even though I acknowledge sexuality is on a spectrum. Next time you feel like taking a test try to avoid it, or delay it for fifteen minutes if possible. Then when fifteen minutes pass either do the test if you still feel like it or try to push yourself some more too. Those tests are all bs but they feel like the world when you’re in this theme

@Zoroarcanine - I wish I was like you, cause I can't live with this, if I were to be atracted to men, I would rather be just gay

@Nicolas:) It’s absolutely miserable man but just keep living to your values and it can get better. I met my wife after my last SOOCD bout (went untreated) and met my wife and have started a family. You can overcome this illness

@Zoroarcanine - I hope so, cause lately I been thinking that I was never into women, that I just persue them cause I wanted to have sex with them. but that maybe I never really had a crush on one, cause I've never felt like they felt in the movies

@Zoroarcanine - Also your last coment made me doubt and felt like I would be fine being bi, but I didn't want to but it felt so real, like I could finally rest, but I didn't want it to end like that

@Nicolas:) Have you ever listed to Dr. McGrath’s YouTube videos? He covers the movie thing in one of them. Unfortunately our minds correlate a lot of things that don’t need to be correlated, such as written movie love = what real life love should feel like. Sorry about that! It won’t solve anything though even if you are willing to even accept that answer. It’s still giving your mind an answer and unfortunately our minds will doubt that anyway. We just need to accept we’ll never know the true answer and that their is always a possibility for anything

@Zoroarcanine - That's the part I don't understand, my OCD doesn't seem to make me doubt anything much, for my just feels like facts, I wish I doubt I was gay, that way I could say, well that's what OCD does, but for me it's like I feel that's already the truth