- Date posted
- 1y
Raw break up sadness
Today, I’m just feeling empty and I want to write down my feelings. My (now ex) girlfriend and I had been together for two and a half months, with about a month of talking before that. But it felt like so much longer; I was staying at her house for long periods of time, even while she went to work. She was playful, caring, mature, had quirks that I adored (and still do), and just let me feel like a kid again. It was something I think we both felt coming, but I’m dealing with it very hard right now. And the conversation happened right at the end of an otherwise great day; we just returned from a short two day trip where we explored museums and I just kept holding out hope that things would be ok. I had an amazing time and got a bunch of souvenirs depicting hobbies I really love, but they just feel tainted. She was my first in almost everything: my first girlfriend, my first time caring for someone romantically, my first time sexually, my first heartbreak. We had broken up last night, but I still spent the night with her and we both woke up in good spirits after cuddling for hours. As we were gearing up to get out of bed and for me to leave is when it started feeling real. I broke down crying in her arms and she was so comforting, we kept kissing each other on the cheek and forehead as she wiped away my tears and reminded me that while we aren’t each other’s forever person, it won’t be the last time we see each other. I had told her a couple of weeks ago that I’m not sure I could ever say “I love you” to her, and that in tandem with me moving away few hours away to finish my Masters is I think what did it, even though we had plans of seeing each other consistently. But it feels like a big mistake, as we both agreed right before I left that we truly do care for each other. And I really really do. I feel like ROCD played a part in this. I introduced her to my family and met her mom. Talking to her about anything, even my deepest OCD fears, was met with compassion, and I trusted her. I keep holding out hope that once I move back after my degree or even before then, things will change and she’ll want to get back together. I keep playing back every good moment of our relationship and the conversations we had breaking up. And I even expressed to her that I was still holding out hope, but she rebutted saying she doesn’t think we’re the right fit. My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts of her and every little thing she did, and I just miss her so much. Things were perfectly fine and great earlier this week; we hiked, she helped me move my things around, we kissed a bunch and were intimate. It felt like a switch flipped within a couple of days. Both of us said we had these feelings ebb and flow, but I thought it was just something we could work through. I feel so broken right now and just wish I could collapse into her arms; it feels like a part of me died. We were bonding yesterday at a museum with dinosaurs (something I love) and she let me feel like a kid again, and I just miss that feeling so much. Every time I close my eyes all I can think about is her face and her quirks and everything, and I don’t know how to move forward. I know this is all jumbled; I just kinda wrote things as they came up in my head. Thank you for reading.