how do you know it's ocd and not just extreme guilt for something awful? I feel like people who are just guilty experience the same symptoms of guilt, trying to rationalize, ruminating on the event, thinking about how people who look at them differently if they knew, ect.
I don’t know. I really don’t. I know you commented on my post and that’s exactly what I’m thinking on right now. I don’t know if I can rationalize it.. it’s horrible. But surely we have to move on, right? That’s the only thing we can do, I think.
with the real events, it's not so much I'm worried about what it means about my morals because I understand I didn't know any better as a child, but it's like I feel the need to confess because I feel like if the people who are close to me now knew about what I did, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I'm scared I'm going to confess to my boyfriend and I'll lose him or he'd look at me with disgust and hate me. there are other real events that my mind keeps bringing me back to as well that involves other worries, but it's just as bad if not worse and I feel awful. but I've dealt with that before but it's coming back and I'm scared every theme I've dealt with before is going to come back. I know I need to move on but I feel like them I'm hiding things about me people need to know especially of I'm in a relationship with them. it's like I need them to know so I don't feel like they are dating an imposter version of me.
@stxrmads Same here, I had to confess to my friends about my struggles with POCD and how I feel like a monster, and how I’ve done horrible sexual things in the past. Sometimes, I feel like I’m unforgivable, like now. But, we are in this together. I know you feel horrible, and in a way, it’s good that you recognize it’s something bad. It means you were raised right. He won’t look at you with disgust, my boyfriend has been really supportive of me throughout this journey. If you really need to confess, maybe you should do it here in a safe space with people that understand?
@Julian2006 it's two events at the same time right now it feels like. one involves an old pet where I discovered oral sex and as I child I wanted to know what that felt like and indidnt think it was wrong to let my dog near my privates but I did. it's disgusting now and I feel sick thinking about it. I only felt wrong when I was younger because I knew it was of sexual nature, but I don't think I felt wrong about it being an animal. it disgusts me. the other event has to do with something so much worse not involving an animal or anything and nothing actually happened but I'm awful for it because it involves my sister. it's like "I'm terrible why would I say things like that/do things like that around her" "what if she remembers it what if it affects her horribly when she's older" "what if I go to jail" ect. this one specifically I used to worry about when I suffered from pocd, but they both went away and I thought i was safe from them. but now it's terrible again. I feel like i dont deserve to live and I can't do anything to myself but I feel like I should even though I'm not going to you know? it's just all so bad
@stxrmads Yours and my situation are similar, in a way. I’m actually really surprised you commented on my post when I started worrying about all this stuff, it’s such a massive coincidence. I had that situation with my dog when I was young, and then I had a situation with my niece. I was around thirteen? Maybe twelve? And we were play fighting and I purposefully put my face underneath her. It’s disgusting, I find it disgusting, but kids can’t consent period. We’ve done bad things in the past, but as kids, we know we don’t know better, that’s why there’s laws protecting kids’ lack of consent. Whether we’re the aggressor or the victim, we don’t know better.. we really don’t. But we have to do better from here on, to prove that we’re not that same kid anymore.
@Julian2006 I’ve been thinking of suicide too, but I’m too cowardly to go through with it. It’s all bad.. we did bad, but we can do good now.
@Julian2006 I don't know what to do about it. I'm so worried that I will commit suicide too. I've never really considered it, just thinking that I deserve it. I feel dangerous to myself but I have no real options right now for therapy until I begin working again which is hopefully soon. i know I'm good now, but I feel like an imposter.
@stxrmads You and me both. I never really considered suicide either, but I definitely felt like I deserved it. I still do, especially with everything that went on with POCD. I’m a mess, I guess we’re both messes. But we’re trying to get better, right? I mean, sure, we feel like impostors now.. but can you imagine the people who don’t feel guilty about this stuff and can keep it hidden easily? Those are the real threats.. especially when they do those things as adults, with little worry. Imagine all the horrible stuff that goes on behind closed doors without anyone knowing.. we could never be that level of evil.
@Julian2006 you're right, I know we are nothing like them. but what if the people in my life would think so?
@stxrmads I wonder that too.. some of them, I feel like are too “normal” to understand.. but on the other hand, who knows what they’ve done as well? We’re all human.. and we have to remember that we’ve had trauma in the past with this sorta thing too. That’s gotta explain some of it. I don’t mean to be weird or anything, but I saw your profile and saw that you’ve had, yknow, an inappropriate encounter with an adult. I did too. We’ve seen, heard, and done things that kids shouldn’t do at that age, it messes with our heads.. but not everyone needs to know about our business, as hard as a pill that is to swallow. It’s hard for me to keep quiet, validation seeking is one of my compulsions.. but what good does telling people do besides that momentary relief and worry that something changed in our relationship dynamic? It’s not like they can provide much consolation.. nor would some even understand what it’s like.
@Julian2006 yeah, I know those things happened before I experienced being groomed. that happened when I was around 12-14 I believe, I didn't keep track because for so long I ignored that it happened. the other things happened when I was a little bit younger I think and hope. I would guess between like 10-12, I don't really remember. is that too old to have made those mistakes?? I feel like after a certain point, I had no excuse. I just feel so awful and shameful and guilty. I want the reassurance from the people in my life that I did nothing wrong, but I couldn't even begin to open up to them. I know they wouldn't understand, and they could even hate me, which is why I feel like such an imposter. I know no one who would be okayvwith doing those things could ever feel so shameful unless they were "caught" but I still feel just as bad.
@stxrmads Look. Kids can’t consent, period. I’ll emphasize this as MUCH as I can until you feel okay. You could not consent to doing those things, there’s a reason why there’s so much worry about pornography being so easily accessed by the youth. Unfortunately, we’re an example of how bad the effects can be, but that doesn’t mean we’re horrible people. I don’t mean to get religious, I’m not a religious person myself, I’m agnostic. But it makes sense why everyone believes in an all mighty judge and jury, nobody has a “right” opinion on a matter, so we look to a higher being for those answers. Our friends may not get it, some may, but that doesn’t mean we’re horrible people. There is no “right” opinion, just what we distinguish as right or wrong and whether we’d do it again.
What to do when we feel guilty about our ocd checking and compulsive behaviors?
I’m currently struggling with guilt from checking OCD. By this I mean, I feel guilty and shameful by my OCD checking because I feel as that was immoral and wrong and I really don’t know what to do. How can I fight this?
I can’t help but feel so anxious because of guilt. I feel guilty about not sharing everything about my OCD to my partner, but because I understand that confession itself is a compulsion and would not help anyone. I feel so anxious too that if all my fears come true and she finds out, then it would be so devastating for everyone especially her. Does anyone feel the same thing? How could I change my perspective on this?
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