So, I’m spiralling right now. My dad was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma 5 months ago. Since then, my anxiety has been all over the place. 2 weeks ago I got a swollen node under my jaw, no other major symptoms. It was movable and painful to the touch. After a week of it not going away, I went to the GP and she said not to worry, it’s probably some kind of an infection, otherwise it wouldn’t be painful and it my throat wouldn’t be red. She gave me antibiotics. Now, I’m almost done with the antibiotics, and I can still feel the node. I think it decreased in size, but I’m really not sure and I keep touching it (it’s a compulsion, I know :( ), but it’s not painful anymore. I’m really anxious and my dad’s diagnosis is just making everything seem more real :( But, at the same time, the rational part of me knows I’m overreacting. Aah, this is so idiotic :(

I have had anxiety issues for years and have been in therapy for that. But a big change in my life made it spin out of control. Btw, I am a bit of a control freak. So, for the last year, health anxiety has reigned. It all started when I had a panick attack and ran out of the operation room where I had to go under for a very simple, preventive procedure (I was convinced I wasn’t going to wake up.) I faced it again and made it. But after that I have been going from one health scare to the other. Skin cancer, oral cancer, breats cancer, HPV related cervical cancer - went through each recently. These are accompanied by panick attacks, insomnia and anxiously googling symptoms and testimonials. Every visit to the doctor end with panick that I forgot to check other important symptoms or that she might not be taking me seriously and miss something important. Now I am worried about a lymph node under my jaw that is slightly swollen. I know chances are it is ok and it is not cancer, it’s my anxiety. But what if it isn’t? And on it goes. I just want to stop worrying and go a day without googling symptoms or health issues. I am waiting for it to pass as these periods of health anxiety are kinda like panicks attacks - they build up, they peak and then they pass. I am afraid doctors will stop taking me seriously (this week I saw my doctor for a melanoma scare and a sore breast.) I am afraid when my doctor doesn’t investigate further and I am afraid when she does. I know it is absurd (I recently googled eye cancer) but I can’t stop. Sorry for the long post, I guess I wanted to write it all down and share it.

I hate my hypochondria. I really fucking do. How am I supposed to tell the difference between my brain saying I’m going to die vs actually dying. It’s terrible. I feel so ashamed of myself because everyone thinks I’m an idiot for overreacting over such small things but I can’t help it. And now I’m obsessed with this lump on my vulva and I want to tell my mom about it so I can see an obgyn or something but it’s so hard because I feel embarrassed and I want to cry. I want to sob. This is all so humiliating, having my fucking brain focus on such things and it’s ironic how I always want to ask for reassurance about these things and show people but since it’s someone private I can’t do that!! Nope!! This is terrible! In my mind I have vulvar cancer and have up to 5 years, maybe more, to live— depending on how fast I get it checked out and what stage it’s at (according to google). I keep replaying my death over and over in my mind and it won’t stop I just need it to stop and the only way to do that is to tell my mom and get it checked out but that’s so awkward and embarrassing I feel so stuck even though I’m 18 I feel like an absolute child.

Here I am once again. I found a small moveable lump under my chin so I ended up going to the ER because i couldn’t wait to get in to a ENT. The Dr just felt it and said it’s a gland. I told her it doesn’t feel like the one on the other side. She did a CBC and said she isn’t worried about it. I can’t get it out of my head that she’s wrong. I have been looking at a Prayer request that went out from a well known radio host and read all the comments of people asking for Prayers due to them or loved ones having cancer. All I want to do is sleep, as soon as I wake up I get the surge of anxiety and panic. I fear death and worry IF there is no afterlife and this makes things 💯 worse. I’m tired