So, I’m spiralling right now. My dad was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma 5 months ago. Since then, my anxiety has been all over the place. 2 weeks ago I got a swollen node under my jaw, no other major symptoms. It was movable and painful to the touch. After a week of it not going away, I went to the GP and she said not to worry, it’s probably some kind of an infection, otherwise it wouldn’t be painful and it my throat wouldn’t be red. She gave me antibiotics. Now, I’m almost done with the antibiotics, and I can still feel the node. I think it decreased in size, but I’m really not sure and I keep touching it (it’s a compulsion, I know :( ), but it’s not painful anymore. I’m really anxious and my dad’s diagnosis is just making everything seem more real :( But, at the same time, the rational part of me knows I’m overreacting. Aah, this is so idiotic :(

content warning: MRI results I got prescribed MRIs done on my lumbar and cervical spine over the weekend, and several things came back abnormal in the report. I started to google when I saw a word ending in -oma, got a basic definition of this particular kind of t*mor (probably benign/non-cancerous), realized that googling in this case was for sure a compulsion, caught myself and put my phone away. I told myself, "I have an appointment with my specialist in 2 days. I trust this doctor, so I will delay/not do my own reading until after I talk to her, and only if she recommends further self-education." I stuck to it and I was proud of myself. Cut to the appointmet today. I got lost in the building where her office is and arrived 14 mins late. The receptionist said there's a 15 minute grace period, so I would have to reschedule. No availability for 2 MONTHS, even for telehealth. First of all, I am so ashamed of being late (that's another trigger for me), and so hurt and rejected that they wouldn't talk to me, even very briefly. Now the urge to google is so extreme. There are objectively concerning things in my report, based on what she said ahead of time that we were looking for, and what would affect treatment. I also have a LOT of c*ncer in my family history; 3/4 grandparents, an aunt on each side, and 1.5 bio parents (1 was skin c*ncer, 1 was prec*ncerous polyps removed but considered high future risk to be monitored), so "-oma" and "t*mor" are big red flags in my minds. So while normally I am actually pretty good about living and making peace with my chronic conditions, and health ocd is really only like 5 on my hierarchy, I know that I actually do have to be vigilant about c*ncer in some ways. My balanced solution is sticking to recommended observation scheduling, and then entrusting the research and checking to my trusted providers, so that I am not being negligent nor being compulsive. But now what? I hate waiting. Idk if/when I'll hear from her. Chronic pain in those regions due to curvature and degenerative discs are the reasons I have to get MRIs every couple of years, and now I am so somatically, obsessively aware of that pain and wondering what's going on. This post is a vent, and is my choice to express the anxiety without giving into the desire to google. I'm not seeking reassurance on whether I/my test results are going to be ok. Still, I think just some understanding and/or advice on holding myself accountable for not compulsing would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

Ugh. So I’ve been having some stomach issues for about two or three months now. I started seeing a naturopathic doctor who ran some tests and put me on a restrictive diet. The stool test she gave me revealed that I have high levels of a pathogen called Aeromonas caviae. I was kind of relieved to find this out since it finally gave me some answers to my issue. That was about 3 weeks ago. Last Friday I got my food sensitivity results back which revealed that I have some mild problem with gluten, dairy, egg whites, and other random foods. They were all low-level igG sensitivities though. Again, I was kind of relieved to receive the results at first because it helped me better understand what might be going on with my stomach. I was good for about a day. I even had one of the foods that I’m “mildly sensitive” to and had no issues. I remember eating with my husband after getting the results and telling him that I was happy and that these results were “tolerable.” That was until I visited my mom on Saturday night. I decided to tell my mom about my food sensitivity results and she just had a reaction that kind of set me off for some reason. I’m not even entirely sure why it set me off because her reaction wasn’t overly dramatic or anything. She was more just shocked and made the comment “well what can you eat then?!” I immediately got super anxious after this. I started thinking maybe I wasn’t taking the results seriously enough and that I should be more concerned. I started doing research about food allergies and it’s all been downhill since then. That night I could hardly sleep. I kept waking up every couple of hours because I was just super anxious. The next day I cooked and ate a breakfast meal that I had the day before and was perfectly fine with. Except this time I noticed that the back of my hand started burning and itching a bit. I put some creme on and took a nap and by the time I woke up I felt better. Then again later in the evening my husband and I meal prepped for the week and ate dinner. After eating I noticed the same thing was happening but on the back of my foot. It went away after a while but I started going down the rabbit hole of “what ifs.” I started wondering if maybe I was having a mild allergic reaction to the food I ate. The next morning I ate the same breakfast and brought my meal prepped lunch. I was fine all day until I started driving home and had the itching again. I got home and was super worried. My ears and throat got a little itchy. I was going to eat dinner but I was too afraid that I was having an allergic reaction to my breakfast or lunch. Yesterday I ate the same breakfast with no issues and brought my lunch. While I was eating my lunch I noticed that my mouth was burning a bit. I did have jalapeños and a salsa in my food but the burning felt different than usual. I started to get super hot and my face was burning and getting a little flushed. I spiraled for much of the rest of the work day thinking I had an allergic reaction/I have a food allergy that I’m unaware of. I ate a snack when I got home and again, it felt like my mouth was burning a bit. Now I cant stop focusing on how my mouth feels and if it’s burning or not. I ate the same breakfast this morning and it felt like it was burning a bit but I cant tell what’s real and what’s psychosomatic.

I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?