Pocd

I feel like I am going insane. My ocd has never been this bad before. I’m waking up every morning with extreme dehabilitating anxiety. I am gagging and using the restroom all of the time. My pocd has reached an all time high. I work in a law firm and read a very disturbing case involving child abuse and child pornography. Ever since my world has been twisted upside down. I feel like the line is so thin. Like anyone can cross it in a split second and their world can be flipped upside down in an instant. I have a daughter of my own and that night after having read that story at work, my intrusive thoughts and feelings were at an all time high. I was changing her diaper and had intrusive thoughts which I knew was going to, givin the triggering and emotionally draining day I had. I quickly pushed them out of my head and then what happened next is some what of a blur because I have spent the last five days ruminating it over and over and over again in my head. I was trying to get her to lay down in her crib and she kept standing up. I was gonna lay her down in a way that required me to maneuver her with one hand and that one hand would be in between her legs, over her clothes and her diaper. I see people carry and handle their babies like this all of the time but I always avoid it. This time I didn’t. I fought the compulsion to move my hand. Because it is in fact, not a sexual thing at all. But in my mind I had it made out to be. I remember moving her super quickly in that fashion and immediately feeling guilt like I did it in a malicious sexual way. Even though the movement itself is not sexual at all, because it has been in my mind forever as a sexual place I’ve always avoided it. I was attempting to fight the compulsion and now as a result because I didn’t move my hand, I feel like I have done something horrible. I feel so guilty. All because of a quick 5 second movement. I keep imagining me without my daughter, going to jail, her not having me, my family disowning me. I can’t handle the immense amount of emotional distress I am feeling because of this event. I keep feeling like I could’ve moved her in a different way, why did I have to move Her in the way that required my hand to be between her legs? Was it me trying to somehow act out on the intrusive thoughts I had previously? I am so torn apart by this. I would never ever intentionally hurt my baby. Ever. My biggest fear is her being abused. In an attempt to stand up to my ocd and desexualize that specific action, it has launched me into the worst ocd episode of my life.

I have the most lovely 3 month old daughter....and I have chronic OCD over harm/paedophile OCD and it just consumes me. Last night , I was rubbing her chest to help her sleep and my hand rubbed over a wee button under her sleep suit. As she's a girl and I was rubbin her chest my head thought , " that's like a mound as if a breast"..... I can't remember what I thought or did after this but I may have thought " that's nice" and kept rubbing. Not long after I remember the thoughts being too much and lifting my hand away. I'm absolutely mortified at the thought I didn't lift my hand away the second my head associated that wee mound with a breast and feel like the worst dad ever now. I'm so upset over this . The amount of effort I put into not doing anything inappropriate then I let this happen. Hoping for some support! Thanks

Hi guys! I've turned to you before but a new situation occured today and I want to understand my response. Like I said I have OCD harm and it is surrounded about my children and my residents I take care of, whom I love with my whole heart. My youngest son is very physical and always on top of me. Because of my disease it drives me up the wall! I feel so bad but it really freaks me out. Long story short he was on me today. Hand wrapped around him. I had an intrusive thought " what if I did something no one would know" it scared me and I pushed through but my nerves were so bad I ended up pushing some part of my hand on his arm. I was rushed with guilt. I'm also fighting strep and just feel so guilty.