I feel like if I stop fighting pocd, it’ll make me turn into a disgusting person and it makes me feel like I don’t care but I do care, I feel so scared, I can’t even see the positives, it’s making me feel like I would enjoy being a bad person, and I would turn into it if I stopped fighting it
I'm going to ask a series of questions. Humor me with them. You see these thoughts as a threat understandably, so you naturally want to fight them, that makes logical sense. When you are confronted with a threat and there's no escape, you fight right? It's what mice do when backed into a corner by a cat. But what do you think the threat is really? How would you deal with that threat? Does that apply to this situation or is this different?
I've been in that exact place many different times. I know it's scary. Many times, you will feel lost, or feel like you're on the brink of becoming an awful person. If you've looked into ERP, you know that it centers around sitting with anxiety and gradually accepting uncertainty. Sometimes, what you have to do is just go about your normal life as best you can while letting that feeling be there. It's not pleasant, but it's the first step. Then you work on catching compulsions, like rumination, and bringing yourself back to the present. Something my therapist tells me is to just consistently tell it "maybe, maybe not" and stay as neutral to it as possible- even if you have to fake a feeling of indifference. The way OCD works is by keeping you in a certain line of thoughts and actions that keep feeding each other. So really, fighting your thoughts is just going to reinforce that feel like you'll turn out bad if you stop. The longer you step out of the cycle, and the better you let the thoughts and fear be there, the more likely it is that your mind starts to let it go I hope you're able to get treatment soon and start making progress, but I hope this is helpful. When I was trying to get help, I implemented the strategies above and it helped me keep myself together until I could really address things. But overall it's important to remember that you are facing off against the very cycle of thoughts and feelings, not their contents. Even though that can be really scary immediately it's the only way it gets better in the long run Good luck, and feel free to reach out if you need anything!
Everything feels so real. I think learning about non-offending pedophiles has really screwed with me. I feel like I’m not even doing compulsions anymore like I genuinely cannot remember if I do them or not and the groinal responses are messing with me. I keep having intrusive dreams and I’m in that half asleep state and I feel nothing after that or I feel weird like a good weird, I don’t know. It’s a really weird feeling when I get those thoughts but I don’t like them, I don’t think. All I know is, I keep seeking reassurance and I feel like I don’t have OCD because the way I feel, like the way I get worked up isn’t the same as others. Whenever I try to watch a show, like 9-1-1 or daily dose of sunshine, I feel like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be. Or if I’m just on my phone, I feel like something is going to happen. I feel red flags whenever I’m on my phone, like somehow cp will appear. I know that OCD is the doubting disorder but my god, this is just crazy. I feel like I’m going crazy. Everything is just nonstop, it’s so constant and I’m genuinely scared that I’ll do something when I get out of my room. I don’t know anymore, this whole OCD thing is just making me lose my mind.
I keep waking up, overwhelmed with anxiety and I feel like an awful person and I don’t know why…? But I feel like it’s because of POCD, I genuinely feel like a bad person because of all of my false attraction experiences, I feel like it’s my fault, I feel like an awful person and I’m spiraling, it’s so hard to look at myself in the mirror, i can’t bare it, I just feel so awful about myself and I don’t know what to do anymore. I genuinely can’t do this anymore.
POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?
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