Selfish

Is anyone dealing with responsibility OCD? I don’t see it talked about much, but it’s one of the subtypes I struggle with the most. I just feel like everything I do is in order to “protect” my family and friends. That means everything from magical thinking, to repeatedly calling people to make sure they’re ok, to bargaining with god to keep them safe (even though i’m not religious at all). I spend A LOT of my time worrying about other people and trying to control what they do. For example, I’ll try to talk someone out of taking a trip because I feel like something bad will happen, or I’ll stalk someone’s Instagram to make sure they’re posting regularly, because that means they’re ok. Logically I know I have no control over other people, but OCD tells me there’s always at least SOMETHING I can be doing to keep them from getting hurt or sick. And obviously the pandemic has made this 1000x worse. Can anyone relate?

Does anyone else think 'Maybe I'm talking because deep down I want attention. And I want the attention all on me.' this terrifies me because what if its the truth? I then worry when I speak I'm only speaking to get attention. I don't know if this is ocd or its the truth! And if it's the truth then I am scared I am a selfish, self absorbed person craving attention for others because I don't like myself. And that's when I worry it is true, that I look to others to like me so I will feel better. These thoughts have popped up the last 3 weeks and I'm so worried 😔😔tired and worried and scared

Truthfully i am just so exhausted from being obsessed with how I affect others in my life. I am constantly questioning if I make their lives better or worse and why. I'm an extrovert and if it seems like I'm positively affecting people when I socialize, I feel on top of the world. But when I can't improve someone's mood when I talk to them I feel depressed and drained. I have this belief that I am intrinsically awful and harmful to be around and I have to be extra helpful and cheerful to make up for it. I think about the problems that everyone in my life struggles with and convince myself that I am the cause of it or making them worse. I isolate, believing I am harmful to others and I am sparing them. When they feel neglected, I panic because I caused them harm when I was trying to save them. I don't want to live like this anymore. In some ways it was easier when I was alone. I just can't stop obsessing about my loved ones in this way. I almost begin to crave abandonment because at least the thoughts would stop coming. Does that make me a bad person? I don't really actually want to be abandoned by my loved ones, but at least I know how to handle abandonment. I don't know how to handle normal loving relationships.