I’m new, this is my spew

Hi, I’m new here. I have harm ocd. I’ve always struggled with mental health issues but as a child my family didn’t believe in that so I never got the help I needed. When I was a teenager I’d have intense episodes of psychosis. I convinced my mom to let me see a therapist and I somehow got her to agree but after a few sessions she didn’t want to drive out to her since it was far. I had these friends I trusted, during an episode I used everything in me to come back to reality and call them and tell them what i was going through. I wasn’t taken seriously so after that I never did try to reach out for help again. A year after this incident I left my home at 16, I was being physically abused by my step father and finally got solid evidence to show police and the rest of my family. My uncle took me in after that. I would spiral every night in the room by myself. Everytime no one was home I’d conjure up plans to unalive myself, I’d tie up ropes from the second floor. But the thought of my uncle and aunty coming home with their kids and finding me is what stopped me. Everyday was a battle. So I partied. I went out with my friends every chance I got and just got shtfaced. Then a “friend” 🍇d me. That’s when I felt my mind absolutely disconnect from everything. The only person who ever gave me clarity especially with my mental health was my ex boyfriend. So I reached out to him. He knew exactly how to support me and help me. I was 19 I moved in with him. My mind was clear it was like a breath of fresh air. Until I lost my job and became pregnant. Pregnancy was hard on me. After birth was worse. I got intense PPD. And that’s when the harm ocd started. My daughter is 2 now. I love my husband and my daughter more than the moon, the stars and the universe. I’d move mountains for them. We have our own house we live comfortably life is so great. But the harm ocd never left. Everyday I think what if I did this to him or what if I did this to her. Horrible things that I would never never in a million years do. I love my family I’m so blessed with them they saved me. Why do I think this horrible things. It’s become so consistent. There’s certain things that trigger it and I go through a ritual of reassuring myself after the bad thought then I start looking for something to put away or clean telling myself “I’m a good wife I’m a good wife. You see? See?” My past without a doubt plays a role in this. I never really thought to reach out for help. Until I realized I’m pulling myself away from my family. I’m avoiding them to avoid the triggers. I don’t want that. I love them. I want to better myself for my daughter and for my husband. I’m sorry to tell my whole life story n whatever but I don’t know what else to do. I still have yet to tell my husband I’m so afraid of what he’ll say. He knows of my mental issues in the past cause he was there through it. But I’m not to sure how’d he handle it now.

Harm OCD

elliss2

Date posted: 47w

Thank you for telling your story.

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 47w

I am sorry you also have harm ocd and your family and past life was hard and mean to you. It goes get better if you treat your ocd. Please do not push away from your family because of ocd thoughts that will make them worse. You start lose self trust and feel like you are going crazy or turning in an evil monster. Ocd is not the same as an psychopath mental illness. Avoiding family to “protect them for your ocd “ will only make the ocd get very a lot worse and harm ocd is a fear disorder your family is not in danger please don’t avoid them it will just hurt you and your family , please up look how treat ocd and get help. Ocd is treatable. I highly recommend looking up ERP I tried that myself, and it greatly helped with my OCD .Sorry you have to deal with harm ocd it is truly terrible. I remember it being that way for me to for a long time but I’m doing a lot better now and so can you .I wish you the best, I’m sorry that you’re struggling.

chickenmomma

Date posted: 22w

I struggle with confessing

This is my first post & I’m terrified. I have not been officially diagnosed w ocd yet but in a nutshell - I confessed some things I felt guilty about to my husband about five months ago. ( nothing too major ) but in our past, 20+ years ago I was unfaithful and it caused a LOT of harm, which I told him all of that back when it happened. But in recent months, I started getting consumed by guilt. I couldnt eat or sleep until I finally broke one night and told him all these recent little things I felt guilty about. Acting flirty, etc. And for him it like brought back allll the trauma from 20 years ago which I didn’t know would happen. But it’s so bad. He says he wishes I never told him. But even w that, I still feel like I keep thinking of “new things “ I did in the past, thoughts I had or dreams, or conversation w an ex,things like that. Because I am a Christian I also keep feeling like it’s the Holy Spirit telling me I haven’t told him everything and I need to. But I also know God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear .. I clearly need help, but I also want Christian based help so that it’s in line w what I believe ? I can’t eat and my anxiety is so bad again - I know if I confess more things it will keep destroying him, I don’t think he really understands or believes I have ocd. Thanks if you made it this far

Anonymous_bi...

Date posted: 16w

I’m new to this and I’m afraid

Not sure what to say. Just that I am so tired of dealing with OCD - I’ve had it for most of my life and as a 40 something woman, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being misunderstood and mistreated. I’m tired of seeing relationships that I have dwindle bc my friends and family are overwhelmed with my ruminations and reassurance. I’m embarrassed bc I overwhelm my friends and family with whom I’ve trusted my personal thoughts with and I keep thinking that they can help me through stuff only to be let down. I’ve yet to meet another mind like mines who is complicated but trying to survive because I have children and want to see them grow. I’m tired of feeling defeated because someone took advantage of me and my thoughts. It’s so exhausting but I’m ready to try this because I know I need help. Not sure if this is triggering I’m just ranting bc I’m so lost.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 13w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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