Harm ocd disturbing thoughts

It's so difficult. Like I can't let them go unless I know I hate the thought it's awful

@Ragnarking18 I know... it's a terrible feeling. Are you getting any therapy? On meds?

@Speckles Yea started clomipramine last Wednesday. The panic and anxiety is way down and racing thoughts are down but the need for 100% certainty is still there

@Ragnarking18 That's good. It'll take a little more time to get into your system. The 100% certainty will take time maybe with some therapy

@Ragnarking18 I understand with the 100% certainty. One thing that helped me is reminding myself of what is true. I am sitting in a chair and had a terrible thought…truth is the above. Just a thought. I am walking across the kitchen with a knife and had a terrible thought that scares me…just a thought and feeling that scares me. Always remind yourself of the truth. Remember OCD remains in a thought and sometimes a fear feeling nothing more. It loves to make you continue to question yourself but deep down we know we are not OCD’s lies.

@ivrec Thanks for the advice. I hate referring to ocd as thing like talking back to it I feel crazy I know it's my brain chemistry idk if others feel that way

@Speckles I've been in erp the last few weeks but the therapist kept asking if I planned on acting out these thoughts or if the thoughts are my own I was like of course I'm not planning and that gave me intrusive thoughts about planning and freaked me out. I'm seeing someone new sunday

@Ragnarking18 Oh...Are you going thru NOCD for therapy or somewhere else?

@Speckles Nocd. I told her I don't hear voices never have and that I've had ocd since I was 7 I've had every theme. I feel like she wasn't really listening

@Speckles How long did erp take to work for you?

@Ragnarking18 Have had intrusive thoughts about planning too then freaked the heccc out. You’re not alone :)

@Ragnarking18 I’ve had this too. Haven’t ever planned or done anything but ever since I was asked this when I went to the ER in a bad episode I question if I have planned it or if I am planning it. I get intrusive thoughts of me actually planning something truly grotesque. It’s weird how OCD will cling on to anything to make you doubt

@Ragnarking18 Well that's not good. Glad you are getting someone else then. Sometimes it takes work finding one that can help

@MatiasP99 Damn I'm sorry that happened bro. Everything I hear about school shootings or assassination attempts I think how can anybody plan that shit and go through with it and to think I can do that is the most terrifying thing to me

@Speckles Yea she was my 1st one so hoping the 2nd is better lol

@gc0 ALSO it takes time. There is no overnight fix for this. So be patient & loving toward yourself while you work through this. When you were in school you didn’t start doing multiplication tables. You had to learn numbers and the basics first. Same here. It def takes time. But you’re going to get there, my friend ❤️

@gc0 John hershfield is awesome. I was worried I didn't have physical compulsions so that meant I didn't have ocd. But he said doing mental compulsions putting yourself in the scenario and ruminating until you hate the thought is a compulsion I felt so relieved

@Ragnarking18 All my compulsions are mental. Which makes it so hard to identify them

@Ragnarking18 I’m still getting through it but reflecting on my wins in the last few weeks helps and I feel like I am steadily solidifying my identity & values . I read your above comments and the anxiety being down is an amazing win for you, my friend. Time & all the hard work you’re doing will continue to be an ally for you. And good on you for that. It’s also important to feel like you have a completely open & safe space to grow in therapy. Knowing/treating OCD means knowing yourself more. Being willing to accept and persevere will give you so much more than your pain ever took away. Also reading acceptance and commitment therapy and loved this part where it posed the question of “why willingness?” Willingness: - because when I am struggling against my painful experiences, the struggle seems to make them all more painful - Because when I move away from pain that I meet when I’m pursuing what I value most, I also move away from the richness of life that those valued actions bring to me - Because when I try to close myself off from the painful parts of my past, I also close myself off from the helpful things I have learned from my past - Because I experience a loss of vitality when I am not willing - Because my experience tells me that being unwilling just doesn’t work - Because it is a normal human process to feel pain and it is inhumane and unloving to try to hold myself to a different standard - Because living in my experience, being living in the moment, seems potentially more rewarding than living in my mind - because I absolutely know how my pain works when I am unwilling. I am sick and tired of it. It’s time to change my whole agenda. Not just the moves I make inside a control and avoidance agenda. - Because I have suffered enough. I’m rooting for you.