Struggling with guilt and criticisms in a loving but troubled relationship.

Okay so I need some help because I don’t know how I am supposed to keep going. During recovery from POCD I met my boyfriend. He wasn’t really my type but he somehow made me wanna spend more time with him. He developed feelings for me very fast but meanwhile I wasn’t developing anything. I know that I liked him and I felt happy and good with him by my side but I was constantly thinking he isn’t my type, I thought he wasn’t that attractive and didn’t feel any butterflies or fast heart beating. But we still met every weekend and I was very reserved because I didn’t have much relationship experience before and was very insecure about the whole situation. So I told my friend about my lack of feelings and she said I should still give it a try, a lot of relationships start without heavy feelings and I thought I didn’t give any boy a chance who wanted to get to know me better so why not give it a try. I knew I liked him and his attitude, his character, his believes, everything was perfect but there wasn’t any attraction or heavy feelings, not even during our first kiss. But I thought maybe I’ll develop feelings after some weeks/months. I was curious because I felt a connection and wanted to spend time with him. BUT I noticed that during the time we were dating I had eyes for other guys. I was already feeling a little bit bad like „Why do you think he’s more attractive than your guy“ and stuff like this. After a few weeks/months I noticed that I developed feelings for my guy. Not the heavy ones with butterflies and heart beating but more deeper ones I guess. I thought he was almost perfect for me. Everything about him is just like I wanted my boyfriend to be. I still couldn’t wish for a better one, really. During the time we became intimate and I noticed I care a lot about him, I developed feelings, my POCD came back far worse than before. One sentence really got me. „I don’t care about anything that you think as long as you do not use me to prove yourself that you’re not attracted to children“, he said. I began to think about that. POCD got worse and worse and I was losing it. Right now, I am so very afraid my feelings towards him aren’t enough or real. I still struggle with the attraction thing. It already was pretty hard to develop feelings but the last couple of weeks I barely felt anything towards him. I was constantly thinking about my POCD and not loving him. I don’t know what’s going on. What’s real and what isn’t. I know that the thought of breaking up with him makes me cry SO HARD. I know that I don’t want to lose him. But I feel so bad because of my lack of feelings in the beginning of the relationship, during a time I thought I was able to develop feelings towards others. I almost want to confess everything to him and make sure he’d still want to be with me. I feel so guilty. Moreover I feel like am not capable of feeling and having emotions towards anything at the moment. Like, I want to feel something when I’m with him but as soon as I feel or not feel something I compare it to POCD feelings, ask myself a lot of what if and is this right questions. I think a lot about breaking up with him because i feel like I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone better, maybe someone who truly loves him and not someone who’s constantly questioning it. I am just so afraid that it’s something I force, that it’s wrong and I am a liar. I don’t feel anything at the moment but sadness. I’m crying a lot lately and feeling desperate because I don’t want us to end but my mind keeps telling me I should leave him because it’s not real, not enough. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so lost ? is it possible that OCD does such things? Twisting emotions and feelings making you feel wrong and numb lowers the feelings of attraction? Now I think I’m trying to find excuses for my thoughts and feelings but I just don’t know what’s going on anymore. POCD is one thing, but the whole thing with my boyfriend is making it so much worse. It’s making me want to quit. I’m also very afraid of recovery because I am afraid that POCD is real and that I still can’t develop feelings for him or think that this doesn’t work out/is wrong. Please, I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a liar, even typing these words. I feel like I don’t mean them. It’s making me hate myself and myself so much I can’t take it any longer ????

I always wonder “what if I’m not attracted to my partner” “what if I still have feelings for other people” “what if I cheated on my partner” “what if my partner cheats on me” “what If my partner annoys me and I don’t actually want to be with him” and I’ll do this so much over and over that I get so worked up I’ll criticize him, over analyze him, feel as though I don’t like him. But then an hour later after I find relief ( from telling him, looking things up, talking to my sisters about it) I’ll be in love with him but I won’t fully feel it because I’ll just be thinking about how I just felt before and how bad it was or anticipate it again for the future. So I’m constantly ruining it for myself, and it hurts so bad because he’s so perfect for me and so kind to me and everything about our relationship is right but my mind tries to convince me of other things and it feels so real.

Over a year together with him, and I’ve just recently learned that I have relationship OCD and perfectionist OCD. We talked about it, but I can sense it breaking his heart when I tell him that I cycle between wanting to marry him to breaking up over and over everyday. Constantly evaluating every word or action of his, what shirt he wears that day, how he brushed his hair, what he ate for lunch, who he talked to, what he spent money on, etc any of these things can trigger me into an episode of intrusive thoughts about him not being the one, he’s wrong for me, I’m trapped, I need to get out. It can also swing the other way to me feeling an impulse to go to the courthouse and get married right there. I know that I love him, I always desire to spend time with him; and I picture my future with him in it. He’s such a wonderful person. I don’t know how to stop this emotional rollercoaster my mind straps me into everyday. I just want to be in love and feel secure. How will I ever get married with all of these doubts attacking me everyday?? I can’t stop myself from constantly lecturing him on his flaws and what he needs to change for me to love him more consistently. I feel like a cold and evil person. Will I ever have clarity? Is he really as flawed as I think he is or am I sabotaging the best thing in my life?