- Date posted
- 46w
Relapse
Hi, I’m new to this app and not really sure what I’m expecting from it. I’ve dealt with many types of OCD throughout my life, normally only really one type at a time. About 2 years ago now is when I first developed really bad harm OCD. The worst part is that I didn’t know what it was, and I felt like I couldn’t go to anybody to talk about it because they would think I was a danger. I struggled in silence for months, until I came across a TikTok about OCD, specifically harm OCD. I remember feeling so seen, and so safe, that I cried tears of joy. I wasn’t crazy after all. I wasn’t destined to be the next Jeffery Dahmer, and I wasn’t some hidden psychopath. I didn’t want to self diagnose, however, so I visited my therapist, who I’d previously been seeing for anxiety, and told her what I’d been experiencing. I brought up what I’d read about online, and how I thought it sounded similar to what I was going through. The woman sat there and told me she’d never heard of it, and she had no idea what I was talking about. Over the next few visits, I tried to keep bringing up the possibility of OCD, and how everything I’d seen matched my symptoms exactly and how I really thought I would benefit from OCD therapy. She brushed me off each time, saying that it was just anxiety, and that OCD was a cleanliness issue. So I stopped seeing her. Around this time, summer started, and I was constantly busy and having fun. My OCD stopped bothering me as much, with only the occasional small flare up. I found myself able to listen to true crime podcasts and such again without comparing myself to the killers, or worrying about if what I was eating might actually be ground up people. School started back up, and I hardly ever thought about it at all. It was so freeing, like this giant weight had been lifted off of my chest. Then, in March of this year, on a random Thursday, it flared back up. Bad. I had a giant panic attack caused by my OCD and ever since then, while not nearly as crippling as 2 years ago, I have been plagued with intrusive thoughts again. They’ve stopped worrying me as much, because I know what they are, and I know what’s causing them and how to not give them power, but sometimes I still find myself consumed. There are no OCD specialists in my area, and I really don’t want to go back to that therapist, who never even bothered to look into it for me. I strongly believe what I have is OCD, and I have been calling it such for the past year, because that is the only thing that I have found that describes what I’m going through. Has anyone related to this? Is there anything anyone recommends? I was doing so well, and then it all just came rushing back, and I’m having a hard time squashing it again.