I clearly remember wanting to cut my hair and wanting to look like a boy HELP THIS IS MESSING ME!

Okay so I'm young. A bit young than u might Imagine. Me and my boyfriend where bored and I searched up gay porn js as a joke on google. It was completely blurred. And we where js talking about our truma, and personal stuff while literally just looking at the titles. And I saw a title. A title that has trumstixed me before (I saw the actual video before involving a minor. ) and I clicked on it, still heavily blurred to show my boyfriend the title. And i said baby this really effected me this video. And then I looked below it, same video, blurred. Different title. And I clicked on it to stupidly read the other title. And it FUCKING UNBLURRED. and I SCREAMED saying to my boyfriend if he saw it. And he said no he looked away. And he was so unfazed. And I asked chat gpt about it and it said what I done was NOT okay. Because I looked at child stuff on purpose? My heart has just SANK. self harm urges are back. INTENSE confession compulsions to my mum are back. What do I do. Please someone help.

Does anyone else here daydream maladaptively? Well, I do a lot and my OCD has latched onto that as “proof” that my fear is real due to do contents of my daydreams. To preface I’m 14 and most of my daydreams consist of boys that I like so like 85% of my day is just me daydreaming about these boys in a fantasy world that I built in my head for them. The thing is I have ADHD and I’m super hyperactive and I require a lot of movement to engage in my daydreams (and with engaging in anything in general tbh) so I’m always just randomly walking/running around the house daydreaming. Anyway sometimes I’ll make the same faces my character makes in the daydream and also do like hand movements they do. And I’ve been ruminating about this for months because I’m like “does that count as imagining myself as a boy?” due to the fact that most of the characters in my daydreaming world are male and I panic. I would never imagine myself as a boy in that sense because it makes me uncomfortable, like ever since I got this theme, whenever I walk by a mirror I get these intrusive images of the boy I like starring back at me in the mirror and I get super uncomfortable. It’s like a punch in the gut. I don’t want to look like those boys at all and I know that if I was one of them I would hate my appearance and hate looking in the mirror, no matter how attractive they are. Or when I’m doing something my OCD will imagine ME doing it as a boy like in first person and with the intent of me being a boy and that also really triggers me because that’s not what I want and it makes me real uncomfortable. What I DO want is to daydream about boys, but not about being a boy. But isn’t that what I’ve been doing this whole time without realizing? Like I’m so wrapped in my daydreams that when I’m doing anything I go “Hm I wonder what [my crush] would do in this situation” and imagine him doing it but in a completely different setting and with some changes to the activity added. That really scares me because I go “what if that means I’m a boy” and I get really distressed because I don’t wanna be a boy. I don’t view any of the boys on my daydream as me at all and like, I don’t daydream with the intent to be a boy because that’s the least of my desires, all I do is want to think about boys because boys are cute ofc and I like them. But I’m still really scared. Is my OCD possibly twisting things or am I in denial? :(

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.