Will I have to live like this?

I’m trying so hard not to give up… but how can you not give up when you have a mind like mine? I have REAL EVENT OCD so that means I HAVE done something in my passed that was so inappropriate I was a teen and I’m in therapy for it now, so I learned it’s also trauma for me and real event ocd, I can’t explain why I did what I did and you know OCD HATES that… and WANTS to create a story because it doesn’t like uncertainty…..I was a teen and I’m a full grown adult now it’s been years and I did remember this real event but I thought I did it when I was a a lot younger, so I don’t know if I was dissociating or just didn’t realize when it happened regardless… I was a teen and it’s messed me up questioned my whole being and now I’m thinking I have a mind of a pedo, this started a couple of months ago and before this I would have never EVER guessed or questioned that I was a pedo because 1. I only did that real event one time and obviously feel so awful about it (not sharing details about what I did) but it involved my cousin and it makes me feel disgusted that I didn’t know better when I was old enough too know better unfortunately(2. Iv had boyfriends of my age and currently in the most loving relationship of my life 3. I never care about kids like that and I would talk about kids to my boyfriend because I know how an amazing father he would be one day, and he would tell me how amazing I would be because of how I love to take care of things like animals,him ect and how protective I would be like normal beautiful thoughts, NOW with my ocd I get intrusive thoughts and images of children in innapropriate ways and I get it “it’s just thoughts” but I HAD a real event that I did and now my ocd is latched onto that and making me question my sexuality and that I like children now, I TRY I try so hard not too believe it but whenever I try to think about my boyfriend it feels forced or anyone my age and my mind wants me to think about children and view them sexually like a real pedo would, it’s like I’m hyper focusing on them now and I can’t undo it I feel so sick I feel like I NEED to go to a mental asylum how did my life end up this way?!?!? I fucking wouldn’t dare hurt a child but my mind is so fucked I can’t believe this is my life right now I just can’t, I’m so upset I can ruin my future my love my everything my whole life with this, I can’t even have sex or masterbate because of this and I’m thinking about sex 24/7 because I’m so anxious to make love to my bf when before ocd THIS WAS NEVER A PROBLEM I would just daydream about making love to my partner and get turned on and wet easily, now even when I try to daydream about my bf, kids will pop up in sexual ways in my head and I CANT DO IT why am I daydreaming kids doing sexual things THERES NO WAY I’m suppose to just “sit with the thoughts” or “focus on breathing” while imagining those things so realistically in detail or remember my real event and memories of that and just meditate or still masterbate as a ERP technique, because if I’m masterbating to the thoughts and my thoughts are of children how does that not mess up your brain OR atleast trick your brain into thinking you are a pedo??!?? Even to like certain body parts of a child WHY AM I SEXUALIZING THEM like what the heck???? My brain soooooo confused can I actually get help or am I just too fucked….. I am diagnosed with ocd but I might be the one person that doesn’t have ocd and is just becoming a pedo….and that’s unfortunately the only way I got turned on was daydreaming about my bf or other people my age,me just touching myself with no thoughts don’t do anything, or “just feeling my body” it doesn’t do anything, but regardless I can’t even tell when I’m horny or not and it’s so dry down there I can’t even do anything regardless OCD messed up my brain AND my body…. WHAT CAN I DO I am just at such a lost how am I suppose to live with POCD can I never have sex again?!!??! am I the one that’s making up these thoughts maybe because of the guilt I have from my real event OCD? I don’t even know anymore doesn’t matter anyway because I can’t control anything that I’m thinking I can’t shower I can’t work I can’t live my life right now and I have no motivation for anything because if I am I don’t want to live any More… I’m sorry I can’t do this is this really it for me? Please anyone that can help me understand this…..I hate that I did that as a teen it has caused me confusion and guilt I know I learned from then but now my ocd has ruined me

emmahitam

Date posted: 45w

pocd is so fucked i know. but unfortunately i dont know really what to say, the only thing i can suggest is maybe to see a therapist who specialises in this kind of stuff. yes harm ocd questions my existance in the fact it makes me think sometimes that i should be in a psychiatric unit or that i have bipolar

🌊☀️ℛℴ𝓂𝒶𝓃ℯℯ☀️🌊

Date posted: 43w

I'm going through the same thing rn and honestly, I don't know what to do either... I try to imagine men my age or someone I like or guys on TikTok so I can daydream or feel aroused by them I'm 21 and every time I try to a child will pop up in my mind it's disgusting and it scares me because it's like is this actually what I like now it's fucking terrifying I've had many real compulsions were I've been like yeah it's fine it's just ocd talking that's not me I don't like that's not who I am but this time no it feels real and it's terrifying and I don't even feel anything I feel numb like every time I say something it doesn't feel genuine as it feels forced even texting this rn doesn't even feel genuine like my mind is like accepted this shit...like no, I'm not this person I don't want to be like I can't even cry like I get this pit in my stomach like I want to vomit and then my head is lightheaded epecially with urges when i wake up with anxiety my brain is just like yeah you did this it's your fault now you might as well just hurt children and like NO I don't want to do that and I would never do that EVER! I hate that the brain has such a powerful complex like that to make you think the opposite of what you want to do... but you're not alone I'm going through this too we can get through this I know we can just remember that's OCD trying to play tricks on you and that's not what you want we can do this 💕🦕

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

Givenup

Date posted: 10w

Pocd and 13 years old...

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭 It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child rpist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭 it’s giving me intrusive thoughts about more details of the real events and this feeling in my head that hurts… I don’t ever want to ever be a p or a chomo in any way… I don’t ever want to harm anyone, especially children… I don’t ever want to ever be anything my intrusive thoughts tell me I am…

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

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