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bloominglotus

Date posted: 44w

Hentai porn

I’m really struggling because I remembered when I was a teen there was this game that became popular called Nekopara with like these anime catgirls in a cafe and stuff. I remember big YouTubers were playing it at the time, so I remember watching it. Well there was already some sexual innuendos, but Idk how somehow I found out there’s a version with like actual porn scenes with the characters. I remember looking up gameplay of that and watching it. I think I genuinely assumed it was fine because I mean if it’s a porn game it has to be 18+. Well idk what just made me remember it I was ruminating, and thinking some of the characters look like they could be really young. So I googled and it was saying the characters are like wayyy young and it just, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should die or something I feel like I’m stuck I don’t know how to feel I feel panicked. I think I had even looked it up again when I was older and of age too. I’m 22 and free from porn but I feel like a predator but I know I’m not I genuinely had no idea. I had no idea. I know I had to have thought it was safe because it’s a literal porn game, YouTubers were playing the non pornographic version. I don’t know what to do. I keep telling myself I know what I saw someone say on google but surely there’s no way because they have to be all 18+ because it would be illegal and people wouldn’t be able to play it. I think I just maybe thought some anime characters look more cutesy but I feel repulsed. I was already worried because when I was like late 19, maybe just 20 I was trying to stop watching porn so I went on google and looked up hentai gif. I think I was thinking it’s fictional, better than going on a porn site since I’m trying to stay off those, and it’s just gifs. I didn’t have any intention other than wanting a visual. But as I’ve been ruminating I remembered I saw a few characters who were in uniforms and I had touched myself to them. I don’t understand how. I genuinely believe I didn’t have any idea what I was doing was so so wrong and I know I would’ve been so horrified. I can’t wrap my mind around how but I think I thought since it’s porn it’s 18+ and it’s ok. I didn’t have ANY intention to goo looking for underage characters. I remember feeling guilt but that’s because I had given in and seen porn content even if it was fictional characters in gifs. I only did it a few times then finally quit and was free from porn and have been since. I had only been doing this to try to quit porn. I had no idea what I was doing was so much worse. It makes me feel better that I know I had no evil intentions I think it was horrible genuine stupidity. I hadn’t thought about it until pics set in when I was late 20. But I just feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. I love kids so much, I never dare ever ever ever would look up you know what. But I just feel like if it’s fictional it’s HORRIBLE too. And I don’t want to have seen that and touched myself. I feel dirty and stained and I don’t know what to do. Please help me this is not who I am.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 44w

Notice that you haven't thought about this until you were 20, long after it happened. You said that you didn't go looking for any bad stuff and this happened when you were a teen. I'm sorry it's bothering you so much.

bloominglotus

Date posted: 44w

@BigGyro09 Thank you. I know it’s been years and I try to accept there’s nothing I can do to change it. And also knowing I didn’t have any ill intentions. But it still uncomfortable and hard to deal with, and start getting frustrated not understanding how I could’ve thought it was ok, not ending up with any answers or solutions.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 44w

@bloominglotus If it helps, you definitely aren't alone. I've been through similar things when I was a teenager and they still bother me a lot to this day. I just try my best to offer self comparison and work on my self esteem. I think that can help you as well. I feel like in some ways this stuff really damaged and messed me up but I also think there's a chance I'll get better. I know you can get better too.

bloominglotus

Date posted: 44w

@BigGyro09 Thank you so much, I appreciate that, and that’s good advice. I wish you the best and hope you can heal as well.

Leaff

Date posted: 44w

I’ve heard similar stories from other people with POCD. I have POCD too and anime characters can be a trigger for me. I always feel compelled to look up their ages because I can’t tell how old they’re supposed to be. I can see how you would think hentai would have to be 18+, I mean that would make sense. It’s hard to tell an anime character’s age because of the art style too. Unfortunately a lot of anime sexualizes teenagers. But now you know this and wouldn’t do it again. That’s what matters. I don’t think you’re a horrible person. Honestly that kind of media shouldn’t have been made in the first place. After this make sure not to repeatedly seek out reassurance; that will make the obsession worse. Practice allowing these memories and thoughts to pop up and letting them be there without interacting. It’s hard but you can start with the least anxiety-producing ones and work your way up. You can set up with hierarchy in the app and create exposures for yourself to do. Best of luck on your journey ❤️

bloominglotus

Date posted: 44w

@Leaff Thank you so much for your comment. I’m relieved I’m not the only one and that you’ve heard similar stories, but I still feel bad of course. I understand, I avoid anything with anime characters now because I feel guilty, idk I probably shouldn’t be avoiding. I really believe that’s what I had thought, maybe I just assumed. I hadn’t had any other intention other than looking for a visual. I really think I would’ve felt so bad if I’d known. Of course now I feel like what if I did know? I definitely won’t ever make a mistake like this again, and thank you so much for saying that that means a lot you don’t think I’m a monster. I’ve been worried about this for a long time and think of it every day, and I feel like I’m numb to it so I feel worried I don’t feel as horrible as I should. I will definitely take your advice, I appreciate it so so much. What do you mean about the hierarchy?

Leaff

Date posted: 44w

@bloominglotus POCD comes with a lot a lot of feelings of shame and guilt, I’ve experienced it as well. I used to feel numb too, when it was at its worst. It will take time, but it will fade. Practicing self care can help a lot, it did for me. So instead of being hard on myself when I experienced triggers, I learned to accept them as a symptom of my disorder and to be kind to myself instead. As for the hierarchy, it means setting up triggers in order of how much anxiety they cause. It’s determined out of a scale of 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 the highest. Try to find a trigger that causes a lvl 1-4 reaction and start there before moving onto the next highest trigger. You would practice exposing yourself to this and not ruminating.

bloominglotus

Date posted: 44w

@Leaff Thank you again so much for taking the time to talk with me and leave such helpful advice, and for also sharing your feelings as well. You really helped me a lot today and your first comment helped me relax a lot. I will definitely take your advice.

Leaff

Date posted: 44w

@bloominglotus No problem! I’m glad that I could help :)

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andrea_sam730

Date posted: 21w

I think I’m a horrible person someone help

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety and uncertainty I think I’m really struggling right now. I was in my alone time (self pleasure) and obviously like whenever you’re doing your thing you might have fantasies or whatever and that’s what came into my mind in the moment and then all of a sudden I get a flashback from a scene from pretty little liars came into my mind where Emily kisses Ali on the neck. In pilot actor who played Allison was 12 years old, which the pilot was the first episode I believe but in the rest of the season of season one she was 13 and that flashback was in season one as well after the pilot and I’m really worried that I might have self pleasure to myself to that scene even though I knew all this time that she was 13 in that scene and I don’t feel comfortable because I’m 16 and even though like it’s not too much of an age gap it’s still polished me and I’m scared to death right now, but I didn’t panic immediately because I think I somewhat kinda knew in the moment that I probably didn’t do anything bad but I am not 100% sure and then the more I thought about it, I started to panic even more and now I’m panicking even more now and I feel like a really big pedo, and I keep searching and googling and trying to check for her age to see how old she was in that scene and I’m pretty sure she was 13 but I promise I wasn’t intentionally thinking oh yeah I’m gonna self pressure myself to this scene regardlessof her age. No, I’m just afraid I probably did without even like realizing or registering the thought in my mind, but then at the same time I kind of feel like maybe I was just coexisting with a thought and now I’m scared I’m really scared guys.

POCD

EndOCD!

Date posted: 17w

I don’t know what to do

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

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