How to forgive myself about shameful compulsion I did 2 months ago? I can’t move on from me doing the compulsion 2 months ago (I did it a few time and stoped because I know that it is bad and swore that no matter what I’m never doing it again). I wanted to check and get rid of the thought and I can’t forgive myself because of it. I feel like a monster. I don’t even want to forgive myself
Hope you don't mind me weighing in again. I have personal experience with this, so I'll share a bit For me, it was a process. The things I did were pretty shameful, and I did them because my mind made me feel like I had to. That was before I knew about OCD, or that I had it. And it stuck with me for a long time. It still does, but it's less painful now. Here were the main things I realized 1- I had to let the past be the past: I was so ashamed and scared that I'd do something like it again that I just wouldn't let it go, wouldn't relax, wouldn't trust my therapist or exposures, and it just kept me spiraling and feeling horribly depressed. I had to trust the process I was on with my diagnosis and treatment. I had to work at it even though I was scared. I couldn't tell myself it would go well, but I had to trust that I had learned a lot since those old experiences 2- I had to look toward the future: I had a huge fear that what I'd been through had ruined me beyond repair, and that it would come back to ruin my life. It made me not want to try to enjoy my life or get better because I felt like everything would fall apart one day and everyone would hate me. I had to realize that this was fear mixed with regret from my past. Instead of looking at the future from the lens of my pain and fear, I decided to keep asserting that my future could be better, and they I would work to make it happen, even if it may not work out 3- I had to feel bad at times: While we don't want to constantly sit in regret, it is important to process that and other feelings. It helped me get out feelings that were repressed for a while, which made them not come up as often and as powerfully 4- I had to let myself feel good: Too often, I beat myself up and just locked myself into my anxieties because I felt like I couldn't trust myself or move on. I thought subconsciously that to do so would be to say that I agreed with what happened in the past, or would be an indicator that my worst fears had come true. My mind told me that if I wasn't ashamed and anxious, that must mean I had become so bad that I didn't see it as a problem before. I had to recognize that wasn't true, and I had to try to make myself feel good even when my mind told me I had no reason to 5- I had to vent a bit to my therapist: I couldn't just keep things inside. I was so afraid of what might happen if I talked about these things. On the other hand, I wasn't sure if I was giving into a compulsion by talking about it and getting my perspective out. But when I told my therapist more it gave her a better picture of what was happening, and she was able to get me back on my feet I'll leave you with one more anecdote. There was a time not too long ago that I was feeling miserable, and just listening to sad music. But one of those songs had some lines I won't forget. It said "all that matters is the time we have. Doesn't matter how it all went bad. Never wonder what it might be like. Shut the door say goodbye. When faced with tragedy, we come alive or come undone" This really struck me. I noticed how much I was burning myself down by beating myself up when I could be moving on and improving. I didn't need to worry about where I messed up or how it could be avoided. I didn't need to worry about what would happen in the future, nor imagine what life would've been like without that experience. What I needed to do, was accept that it happened, and not feel defeated because of it. I needed to shut the door on that time, and not just spiral over the thought of it. I noticed because of that song that those events were a personal tragedy, and that I could acknowledge that while still trying to come alive again instead of coming undone over it. Because coming undone over it was not going to change the past, wasn't going to make me feel better, wasn't gonna give me clarity, and it wasn't going help me now. Now that's not to say that I was instantly better, but it allowed me to go through this process knowing that I was going to change, and remembering that every time I fell back into that cycle of regret it was OCD, and that I'd be back to normal soon enough So idk, I can't give solid advice because these are personal things and there's really no answer. Find what works, be patient with yourself, take care of yourself. I hope you get something fromy experience that you can use
@Tyconia Generally thank so much, this really helped me. It’s just that I feel bad all the time that I even forgot what is to be happy. I was a happy person before all this and I feel like ocd took that from me. Ocd got so severe that the last 3 months I’m in a constant loop of compulsions and intrusive thoughts. And haven’t felt real joy in this 3 months. I feel like ocd trying to attack me from every direction and he succeed. I really one to come back to my old life. I even started to see a therapist that I can tell everything and she has a good tips but it’s me, I just can’t do it. Like everyone saying that erp is the best way to recover , but it’s not working (might be because I’m doing a lot of compulsions). I’m really trying to recover but it feel impossible especially with Pocd . That my dream from being young was to be a mother and always loved kids they are cute. But know being around them gives me so much anxiety and urges that I can do it. Like ocd is so weird because when I was in rocd episode almost a year ago I read about all of ocd theme including Pocd. And I was so sure that I wasn’t a p so I didn’t need to double myself. And sometimes like 2 months after Pocd started and got really worse. Like today I was stuck of saying a sentence without actually saying that. And now I’m worrying about just move my tongue to this thought in open/close mouth so no one will see and it makes me very anxious cause my mind tells me I will do it. It’s just feels impossible to recover like ocd is so strong and there is no way out. And I’m really trying but it’s all seems impossible right now. Like my thoughts are about every person I love. And also I feel like I will never be happy again like before that life were so fun. And now? I don’t want to wake up in the morning all the fun vibe is gone and never going to come back. I’m just tired being sad all the time, I was a very happy person before this, I really think that my life is over. My main dream in life is just to create a family and it feel impossible because of this stupid disorder. I’m so sad cause I’m just 16 and really don’t think my life has meaning anymore. I feel like I’m wasting my “fun” years on this. I’m seeing everyone having fun and there is me. I know that the neighbor grass is not greener but it’s feel like it. Is just that my mind tell me to do things that I clearly don’t want to!. Like I all the time think that I crossed the line with Pocd and I’m a p. Even though I had more themes before. Especially right know with the thought of saying my thoughts (not out loud)in front of people . Im feeling like im crossing the line. I feel like a monster all day, this is not the life I want. At this point it’s hard to believe I have ocd. I’m just tired of everything of life of suffering. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave. I feel like I lost everything like I’m a zombie at this point, like I can’t feel any emotion that I used to (love , happiness, excitement) I’m just feeling sad all day and crying all day. Even my parents don’t know what to do with me, they told me I was a happy person once and now I’m close person with no emotions. I feel doomed I sorry to say that but I feel like I kinda hate everyone rn. Like my environment , im jealous that they don’t need to live like this 24/7. I feel alone. I feel like there is no point. I hate myself for it but im even mad at god for making me like this and create a monster like me. I want to throw up right know and can’t stop crying, just want that someone will take away this pain. Im sorry this is very long.
I'm struggling with this as well in some ways. I did compulsions about trying to find an answer about something and something bad happened by accident and it triggered my POCD
@BigGyro09 I’m sorry this is happened to you, I hate compulsion they just makes ocd worse
@OrMsB Yeah, but it just can't be helped to not do them. It sucks so much. I feel like I need to keep trying to figure out what it is that's bothering me so much even though it doesn't give me the answer I want that will calm me down. I still find myself to keep looking again and again. It backfired in a way that it never has before and I instantly stopped trying to look for reassurance at that time. I know that it wasn't my fault, but my thought are still destroying me over it. It sucks.
@BigGyro09 I’m suffering from sever ocd right now too. I know how much hard are the thoughts and the compulsions are. But even you said here that you keep trying to figure it out and you don’t get any answer. Which is a compulsion, and we need to stop doing them. More easy to say then actually do it cause right now I’m doing a compulsions all day too. I’m saying this for me and you cause we both need to hear it, trying to figure out something with ocd will never work
Forgiveness for Past Mistakes Video: https://youtu.be/2Lq1Su3mEHw?feature=shared
@Nica Thank you so much
Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
I need to know how to deal with unforgivable real events. The type that would have most people hate you if they knew what they’re were. I can barely get over the guilt of the things I’ve done and struggle to move past them. Some days I get closer to moving on and other days it all hits me in one big wave and makes me spiral. It’s terrible because they were genuinely bad things that I don’t think I can forgive myself. I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore.
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