@OrMsB You need to talk with your therapist and list out your obsessions triggers, and compulsions. For example, obsession- you are afraid to 🍇 a child/baby and sometimes you have urges surrounding that thought but they are false urges and I wouldn't actually do those rhings, Triggers- being around children, seeing them in pictures, going to public spaces because you are more likely to encounter them, etc, Complusions-you avoid any spaces a child/baby could be present, you have mental complusions where you tell yourself in your mind that you wouldn't do such an awful act to a child/baby, etc., then my therapist makes me list the possible outcomes of the thought (we both know the thoughts and such are false, but it shows what we fear may happen) such as, I would get kicked out and disowned by my family for 🍇 a child/baby, I will be be all alone most-likely starving, and cold, I would be very depressed and lost, etc.
You do that with any obsessive intrusive thoughts, urges, feelings, etc and make a list just like the one I made above. You will also list how each obsessive thought, urges, and such makes you feel on a scale of one to ten listing how anxious, guilty, disgusted, etc. you feel. Do the same ranking for how your triggers and complusions make you feel. Then you and your therapist will come up with exposures that y'all can both do together. They may should you a picture of a child or ask you to grab a family photo with a child to look at. They will force you to look at the child or baby for maybe two minutes and let you sit with the uncertainty of whether you would do your thoughts or not (by both you and them know you aren't but your brain is sending fear or disgust signals and that's why you feel the way you do), eventually through time it will get easier to be exposed to the point where you can pass the thoughts easily to where they don't bother you anymore.
Tell your therapist that going straight to the park is too big of a step and you need to take it slower. The reason you made the list and ranked how you felt is so you can do the triggers and complusions that give you from the least amount of anxiety or disgust to the most. You start small and work your way up. Through time you will knock all them out. ☺
It's not going to be easy, but that's the point. Retraining your brain (a super complex part of your body) will not be fixed in a day. It will take time and baby steps. But, remember that you can do it. There is light at the end of the tunnel but both you and I are still lost in the dark tunnel, but exposing ourself's and learning there is nothing to fear or be disgusted about because it's all false thoughts, little lamps in that dark tunnel will lead us out. But, to get out of that dark tunnel, you have to face the uncertainty and the awful feelings the triggers give you, expose yourself and prove to yourself that there isn't anything to worry about. There is a reason ERP is the gold standard method for managing OCD, it works in the part of the brain that OCD lives. Other therapies that just talk, reassure, and talk some more don't reach the area OCD lives (that what I learned from joining NOCD, I had to watch an educational video before I started) and that's why other therapies from non-OCD specialist don't work. It doesnt even scratch the surface of OCD.
So OCD is called the "doubting disease" that is why you accepted that complusions makes things worse and then you dont. OCD can even make you doubt you have OCD and people on the way to recovery will sometimes feel that way. OCD wants everything to be 100% certain, but sad news for OCD, but nothing is ever 100% certain. Life isn't black and white, but full of color. Life is complex and beautiful. We need to accept that OCD is part of us, but it can be managed. We may have OCD but it doesn't define us one bit. Stay strong my friend.
