- Date posted
- 42w
Defeated and numb mama rant
Ocd ruins my life, my self esteem, my motivation, my relationship and time with my kids. It was in remission for years but came back and has been an endless nightmare ever since. The fear, sadness, frustration and anxiety, the constant analyzing everything I do, think and feel. The self judgement are 24/7. I have it all. Intrusive thoughts, false memories, guilt from real events, many of the themes and quirks. Somehow I push through every day to be the mother and provider I need to be with all the responsibility and love and nurturing and I do all I need to do without anyone knowing the deep sadness I feel due to this disorder. The intrusive thoughts are painful and torturous, the false memories always haunting me if I did the horrible thing or not. The upsetting quirks(things I do, think or feel that are considered wrong but I don’t actually have a wrong motive behind it). Thank goodness only twice in my life have I had a scary intense ocd urge that I was able to reject. I have upsetting ocd dreams and wake up flooded with intrusive thoughts some mornings though I try to start each day with a strong and positive mindset. I feel defeated and like the only way out will be when I die. Yes therapy and meds help but it’s not fool proof. This isn’t life. This disorder is a nightmare and the fear that my kids could genetically develop it scares me so much. I never want them to feel or live like this. This app and the kind, beautiful people on it are a blessing yet I still feel so alone.