pls help

Hello, Liz! How are you? Thank you for always taking the time to talk to me. It's just that it was only one week of peace. It came back 100% stronger. It's piercing my chest. I believe it. And a lot of things make me believe it. The fact that it's only girls. The fact that it's only little girls, that there's an age range. My mind keeps telling me that I find them sexy and I truly feel it!!! I want it to stop!!! I feel so doomed and I know I am early on medication but I'm getting the feeling it won't work on me and it's because I am one

@Abuchs - a week, a day, even a few hours would still have been enough proof because it went away. All the rest doesn't matter, that's how OCD works. it can be as specific as it needs to be to convince you its real. It also will become more and more specific the more you try to prove its false. The more time you spend analyzing it, the more opportunity you give it to become specific. regardless of how specific it is, its still OCD. a Ped would have not have had ANY relief at all, none, not a single second, you had 7 days in a row, that really all you need to remember.

@TexasOCD41 I feel like those days I faked it all and that I am actually drawn to all these thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to continue. I'm seeing the psychiatrist again on Thursday and he'll probably be expecting to see me better. And I feel like I kind of am. I'm doing better in school and I'm back with my bf. I'm eating and I can get out of bed. But today is a bad day and this week was really bad bad.

@TexasOCD41 It's feeling like I realized everything is true and I faked/forced my attraction to men all my life. In fact I wonder why I sometimes look at conventionally attractive men and I don't feel desire. I can see they're attractive but I don't find them hot? And all my triggers I'm finding them arousing? And the groinals. I feel like my whole identity is a lie

@Abuchs - you can't fake a biological response to medication, that's not possible. Progress is up and down and you were SOOOO bad when we first started talking. You need to see the progress you are making and NO your dr is not expecting anything, they are treating you and understand it takes time for recovery and you are already doing better. Remeber what I told you about feelings. THEY ARE NOT FACTS, you cannot use how to feel to indicate if something is true or not.

@Abuchs - feel, feel feel, thats all you are using here is emotional reasoning and you know that is a cognitive distortion. You can be feeling all of this and NONE of it be true. This simply is not logical thinking and its not how attraction works.

@TexasOCD41 I feel like I forgot how attraction truly feels like. I keep thinking about the "loss of insight" the dr said but I don't know how to stop it. How can I stop it? Will the meds do that on their own? Also what about the people that have SOOCD and at the end it turns out they're actually gay. I heard it can happen with POCD too and I think that's me

@Abuchs - That loss of insight is you allowing yourself to allow feelings to determine your reality. you need to stop trying to stop anything, the more you resist, the more it will persist. Also, it doesn't happen with POCD, stop trying to compare yourself to other situations where the " worst case scenario" happens. You're allowing yourself to be dictated by false feelings. You really need to just do nothing and give the medication time to work and do your therapy work in the meantime which means you have to stop resisting these thoughts and just allow them to be. they are JUST-THOUGHTS! they don't MEAN anything. And of course you cant focus on real attraction when your brain is too busy sending all its energy to your OCD. Heres the deal..... and you're not going to like this but it might be what you have to do. you might need to just accept your thoughts ( NOT because they are true, but because that is the one way to take their power) so lets say you are a P? ok? so what? you have already said you would never harm a child, you don't want to do anything physical with them, you are back with your bf? ok. so accept being a P that doesn't offend and choose to just remain with men. ( again, this is not true acceptance, its playing chicken with your brain) give it what it fears, and stop fighting it... THAT is how to beat OCD. I had to do with with my OCD. and my OCD is real event/false memory which is that, IF the memory I have is not false, and its actually real,, it means I did something very bad to someone I love... you don't think that idea doesn't scare the crap out of me IF I LET IT? of course it would... BUT, I played chicken with my brain and won. i accepted the sure its POSSIBLE I did the horrible thing to my loved one, but its not PROBABLE, and I just learned to leave it alone. You need to just say " is it POSSIBLE I'm a p? fine ok, its possible, but is it PROBABLE? no not really, like maybe a 5% chance? ok that's do-able, and move on.

@TexasOCD41 I can't move on if it's true. And instead of saying "I feel like it's true" I think I should be saying "It's true. It's always been true but now it stepped into the light". I'm feeling enjoyment over the thoughts and it scares me and it pierces my chest with such a force. I do want to think this is all because of my period because apparently OCD gets worse when you get your period but I think a few months I pierced a new low of believing it and I can't get back up. I feel like it will be like this forever

@Abuchs Yep, periods do make ocd flare. And you simply have to move on and just accept the uncertainty. I didn’t really say accept that it’s true, just accept it’s unknown and then keep going. I can tell you are doing better tho. You might not see it but I can. I believe the meds are slowly allowing you to handle the anxiety and pretty soon you will be able to do some focused erp, which honestly you actually do erp every day that you get out of bed and go to work or school or go socialize and don’t do compulsions or google or allow yourself to stay in bed all day. You’re doing exposures by not fighting the thoughts or feelings. I think you’re FINALLY on the right track actually.

@Abuchs I challenge you on something. Every single time you start a sentence with “ I feel “ you must immediately consider everything you say afterwards to be ocd. “ I feel enjoyment “-ocd “ I feel it’s real” -ocd, “ i feel scared”- ocd. “ I feel it will last forever “ -OCD. And then remember that ALL OF these are examples of flawed emotional reasoning that is being powered by OCD and NOT LOGIC.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you for grounding me Liz. I will try. Today I'm feeling a bit better after a good night sleep and I'm focusing on a project for school. I hope you have a great day and again, thank you so much for being so kind and taking the time to talk with me. Virtual hug 🫂💕

@Abuchs - Any time Abbie :)

@TexasOCD41 Hi Liz, how have you been? I'm not doing okay once again. I've been feeling well on and off in cycles of weeks? And this week was a bad one. It all started to feel real again to a point where I think I should just recognize it. What worries me is that now it's been 6weeks that I've been on meds, and I don't think I see a big change

@Abuchs I do. Compared to how you used to talk I see a HUGE difference. Cycles are good and normal. I even have times I dip and I have to put effort back into erp to remember it’s ocd it’s not real and to keep my focus on what’s Important which is being present in life. I’m sorry you’re in a dip but KEEP UP THE ERP keep pushing forward. I’d say you’re in a great place at 6 weeks. It might be time to bump up your dose if you think you need to. I increase my dose 3 times before I found my sweet spot.

@TexasOCD41 Hi Liz! It's been on and off lately. Like yesterday for example it was so bad and it was really awful because I had a friend over from 10am until 6pm studying for an exam that is today. We studied hard but still I felt (and still feel) very heavy chested, like I finally know something about myself that I wouldn't like to know. That I will always remember 2024 as year that I discovered I'm attracted to little girls. I've been trying to do ERP on my own watching dance moms and with my therapist but I am still scared because sometimes it feels like I enjoy it?? some other times I feel nothing but I feel so tired honestly. Also where I am is the end of the semester (I am in LATAM) and I am so so stressed I want it to be over. Thank you for being there Liz ❤️

@Abuchs - I know the feeling. Sometimes i feel like my worries are true simply because the thought never fully goes away where as other previous thoughts did. So ill ask myself " did i cheat on my husband and don't remember, and it actually happened because that thought never fully goes away?" but i just keep remembering i have OCD, that OCD lies in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE and i use the good times as proof of OCD. As you should too. You are doing SOOOO MUCH BETTER than when i first got in touch with you. I remember when you spent 24 hours+ in bed, you were not eating, showering, going to class, you were on this app asking the same questions every day, you were suicidal. Today look at you! you had a friend over despite your chest being heavy, you're finishing school, your doing ERP. you even said your obsession out loud to me ( which you have NEVER DONE) you always just made references. REMEMBER- FEELINGS are NOT FACTS. when you think you " feel like you enjoy it" just call that saying to mind " hmm I'm watching these girls in skimpy outfits doing splits in the air, i FEEL like i enjoy this--- but.... i have OCD and I know feelings are not facts and they can be false-these are false" and just keep taking care of yourself. good food, rest, exercise, friends, ( btw what is LATAM? Latin America?) keep up the good work Abbi! you're doing so well!

@TexasOCD41 Hi Li, as always, thank you for taking the time to talk with me. These past few days have been so difficult, it all feels very real and I feel so guilty. I am not googling anymore though. I don't want to know anything else about the topic. Everything I read is still on my mind though. How P's can discover they are one during their twenties (and I am in my twenties) and so on. Also how I can't really tell if I'm attracted to men or not because I don't feel attracted to a "sexy man" when I see one (but maybe that just has to do with me needing to be in love to be attracted to someone). And now I'm just typing my rumination. I feel so guilty and so heavy on my chest even when I'm not having any thoughts, and I constantly feel like I'm waiting for the moment my mind shuts up and my chest goes back to normal. But it's been like this all year. I'm worried I'll stay like this forever. Also, yes! LATAM is Latin America. I am from Argentina🇦🇷 and here the semester is about to end, so I've been under a lot of stress and not going out a lot because I've been studying. Also I'm on my period. So I think maybe I'm more vulnerable now because of that. But seriously it doesn't stop

@Abuchs - Stress and your period make OCD worse. You're in a very typical phase of it. Its very good that you are not googeling anymore. You don't need to be online reading a bunch of nonsense that doesn't apply to you. It takes TIME to recover, that's the unfortunate part and i believe that you allowed yourself to get sooo far down that its only natural you will need a reasonable amount of time to come back to normal. Im not even paying attention to your statements about being a pedophile becuase you said it- its just ruminating and compulsive behavior. Same with the testing your attraction, another compulsion. REAL attraction happens in organic, relaxed circumstances, not "tests". Im not even attracted to my own husband when I'm stressed out lol. Just focus on getting the semester done, then you will have a NICE WELL deserved break! and DURING that break you should really focus on getting your body back in a good place. get good rest, eat good foods, go out, have some fun, see some friends. It really is just as important to take good care of your body as it is to take care of your mind. I still believe with all my heart you are doing much better than before and are gradually trending in the right direction. Stay strong Abbi you got this!

@TexasOCD41 Hi Liz, how have you been? I've been trying to stay away from this app as much as I can, but I had to come back today. I had a very weird dream that I don't know if made me aroused in my sleep and there's no way to know and etc etc. And so today I'm feeling bad again. It's been more than two months now that I'm on meds and I've been doing a lot better. The thoughts and sensations still feel real though, but it's a lot easier to manage the anxiety. The thing that scares me rn is that I can't engage into intimacy with my bf because it feels like I'm not attracted and my brain tells me the only way I'll get satisfaction is if I watch cp (which I've never done), and it's so frustrating! So I'm like "Ok,I don't need to try to engage with my sexuality, I'm good as I am", but my therapist insists I have to heal that too. I know it's a process and I do see progress (I am working as a private spanish tutor and I started writing a novel) when looking back but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get completely better. Thank you for being there Liz

@TexasOCD41 Hello again Liz, I'm sorry to be writing to you again. I don't know if I told you but in July I stumbled upon the POCD forum on Reddit and I made a post. The post said something in the lines of "it feels too real to be just OCD etc etc". And an ACTUAL PEDOPHILE commented "op is attracted to kids". He dmed me asking more about my feelings and sensations. I panicked. I didn't know what to do and I couldn't believe that was my life. How did it come to this? I panicky replied that I have a pocd diagnosis and that I have a boyfriend, blocked him and deleted the account. However, I forgot to delete the post. And it's still there. And I can't delete anymore because the account no longer exists. I'm scared people in the future will find it and comment that it doesn't sound like pocd. I know they don't know me and I know they are professionals (and if they were they would still have to know me) but still. I'm scared that there's a way people can track me down with that post. Know that even though it was made from an anonymous account, it was me. I'm scared it can ruin my life. And now it's there forever, and I can't do anything about it, just pray Reddit ceases to exist one day.

@TexasOCD41 Hello Liz, I'm thinking about you. I hope you are doing well.

@Abuchs - Hi Abbi, sorry i have not been on in a while. Oh good ole' reddit lol. That is such an awful website. I don't want to give you reassurance because that's not good for you in the long run, but i can tell you that reddit is visited by a particular group of people who are a small representation of the world. As you said yourself, it was an anonymous post, that right there cancels out any possibility you can be tracked, so best to just leave that fear alone. Also, reddit is chalk FULL of misinformed people who project their own situations onto others. In all honesty, you could probably get a room full of people, tell them all about your POCD issues, and ALL of them will assume you are a pedo in denial and are attracted to children. the ONLY people who will understand that it not the case is trained professionals and other OCD sufferers. I have never told my husband about my POCD thoughts because i have ZERO doubt in my mind he would think i was a pedo lol ( yes i actually laugh at the idea). It does not scare me that he would think that, becuase we he thinks is not as important s what i KNOW. You have to tell yourself that. What OTHER people THINK is of no consequence compared to what you KNOW. So, lets apply our ERP to the existence of reddit. Its out there, but who cares, no ties to you, not something to concern yourself with.

@Abuchs - I first want to point out how FANTASTIC it is to see you say you ae doing a lot better. I remember a time when you were nonfunctioning... you refused to believe any improvement was possible. And i told you " just wait, someday soon we will be celebrating your improvement: and HERE WE ARE! so lets take a moment to appreciate that cuz that's BIG ( clapping enthusiastically) NOW. dreams and just nonsense, don't even DARE try to investigate those. I have dreams of ex boyfrireds in romantic situations, means nothing. I would say to your evolved ocd theme of trying to convince you that you are unattracted to your bf ( OCD evolves as it starts to lose power) it will shift to try to keep your fear fresh, you must shift with it to keep gaining ground. Take a step back and KEEP reminding yourself " its ocd, feelings are not facts, i will not give attention to fake feelings". And i would agree with your therapist, you need to challenge yourself. remaining with " I'm fine as is" is an avoidance compulsion. Try to work on getting back into the flow of typical relations with your man. don't rush yourself and be gentle and compassionate. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!! SOOO GREAT. hey give me a lil shout out in your book ;) iv always wanted to be famous lol jk jk. ill read it when its finished :)

@TexasOCD41 Hi Liz! How have you been? I hope your year is going well ❤️‍🩹. Thank you for your reply. I have been trying not to post here anymore. I have been almost 5 months on meds now, but there are still really bad days were everything feels real and very convincing. I thought by now I would feel like myself again. I can't engage in sexual activities with myself because I'll start getting images and thoughts and the feeling I enjoy them. I want to feel attracted to my boyfriend again, but I don't feel anything. My brain tells me that I need the thoughts to orgasm. I am deeply frustrated and very very sad.

@Abuchs Have you been working on erp and therapy? Meds are half the equation, you need to also be doing the behavioral therapy too.

@TexasOCD41 I haven't really. I'm sorry Liz, did I say something wrong? I would really appreciate some input on the other things I said. It's okay if you don't want to, maybe something I said made you look at me differently. I am so sorry. I really hope you're doing well.

@TexasOCD41 I'm scared you now think I'm a deceiver. I'm very sorry if I triggered you. I'm kind of scared right now that you're doubting my diagnosis. I'm anxious about you not commenting on the things I said like we used to interact before. I feel like a monster. I don't know how to continue with my life.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you for your kindness and patience through all these months, please know I appreciated your friendship. Once again I sincerely apologize if made you uncomfortable. I hope we can keep in touch.

@TexasOCD41 I'm sorry to be writing to you again, Liz. I am quite anxious since yesterday. I feel like you changed your mind about me. I am so sorry if I said something that made you uncomfortable. My psychiatrist is on vacation right now and he won't talk to me about bumping up my dose until 06/03. I don't know how to push through these next two weeks. I'm sorry. I hope you're okay

@TexasOCD41 I miss your input and your kind words. I hope you are doing okay.

@Abuchs Oh sweetheart I don’t think different of you. I had to fill in for some people at work and worked late and crashed on the couch as soon as I got home. I don’t think any different of you. I’m not going to comment on the things you said in your post because I know YOU know it’s OCD and I can’t reassure you. I think you’re missing the therapy aspect. Meds help everyone to different degrees and some people really need to work hard on the behavioral aspect. You have to work on your behavior and the way you respond to your uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I still believe you have come SO FAR from where you started so for that I’m proud of you. I still have to work on my behavioral aspect to ensure I stay on top of my ocd. Meds are mainly there to give you the ability to work on the behavior.

@TexasOCD41 Thank you Liz for your kind words and I'm sorry for panicking. I am tired of panicking honestly, but it's like for a whole year panicking has been my normal state. I do have to recognize that I am missing the behavioral aspect, mainly because I think the way my body and mind will react will drag me deeper into the rabbit hole. Also I have been experiencing downs more than ups recently. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday and I will ask him if he might consider to up my dose? I'm tired

@Abuchs - thats totally understandable. At a certain point, your body will accept a state of fight or flight as your normal and it becomes hard to train it to get out of that. I had an OCD flare up a couple of weeks ago and i had the chance to go down a rabbit hole and give into my compulsions or use my tools and remind my body that the panick had no grounds for my attention and i just worked on no paying attention to it, it took about 2 days but with my consistent use of ERP and putting my behavioral tools to work, i returned back to my baseline.

@TexasOCD41 Hi Liz, I'm so sorry you went through that, but I am really glad you could sort it out. My psychiatrist bumped up my Sertraline to 200mg, so there's that. I've been taking this amount for 3 days now and I feel like I'm going down again. What I feel like is stopping from feeling better is that I can't seem to feel attracted to my boyfriend and there's this voice inside my head that tells me that I'll only be satisfied once I think of the worst things. It's been months and I still don't know if that's the real me, who was hiding inside me all my life or if it's really OCD. Did I ever really like men? It doesn't feel like it. But I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him. I want to rip my heart out.

@Abuchs Sounds like you answered your own question at the end of your post and you know everything before that is the ocd talking. Are you working with an ocd therapist?

@TexasOCD41 I restarted therapy again but it still feels scary. Also if I am scared of wanting to think the worst taboo things, what exposures should I do? Seems impossible to me.

@Abuchs Talk to your therapist about that they will put a fear hierarchy together for you

@TexasOCD41 Hi Liz, how have you been? I really have been trying to not be on here anymore, but I still feel bad. I am taking 200mg of Sertraline now, and I have a new therapist that thinks my OCD is deeply rooted into my over-controlling personality and I trust her but I still feel like I'm lying. Because every time I get the thoughts it feels like I enjoy them, that they bring pleasure to me and that I like sexualizing them, but also it makes me anxious and it makes want to cry. We're not doing ERP yet but we are building tactics to try to manage things I can't control. For example on Friday my little cousin is visiting me and I won't be able to scape that. So she said a few things about trying to balance out my uneasiness and my values (my family is important to me).

I was diagnosed in April with OCD