Relapse?

Trigger warning ⚠️ , Hi, I’m Anna, I’m a young adult in my senior year of high-school. I’m not sure what subtype of ocd this may be but my obsession changes, usually one lasts 3 months- a year and it’s been like this since I was a small child. For example it used to be an obsession over sweat, then over religion, then over getting ill. Now it’s strange, very strange but I’m afraid of my dad slipping something into my food. We have a rocky relationship and in arguments he’ll sometimes makes comments that scare me like “we should all 0ff 0urselves” or that he wants us “dead”. I also smoke pot time to time and he doesn’t approve and I’ve had this strange fear of him slipping me something stronger to “teach me a lesson” after I eat anything of his if I absolutely have too I wait an 15-60 minutes and look for any signs of illness or a high. It’s exhausting because he mainly cooks in the house and I’ve lost 5lbs this week due to this fear..it’s consuming me and may be my most exhausting obsession yet.

I deal pretty heavily with this. The last couple days, I’ve had what I think are urges. Something pops into my head intrusively and then what stems from that is me WANTING to just indulge in it even though it’s gross. I get worried bc I used to struggle w thoughts about my dad for a long time until eventually I just purposely thought of him while self pleasuring and got off to it. While that’s something I did, it is NOT me. It all stemmed from my mental health declining a couple years back, I was never this way before. So I get worried that it almost happened or might happen with my pocd cuz I could never live with myself if it did.

I'm new to NOCD, but not new to my own OCD journey. I was diagnosed in 2017 and usually experience relationship obsessions. Medication helped me tremendously and I was able to tackle and overcome the anxiety I felt when my husband and I first got together. Fast forward to now. My best friend has decided to casually enter the dating world again and that terrifies me. The fact that it scared me triggered an HOCD spiral, that I think I've now gotten myself out of. I just feel pathetic for being so fearful that my friend is going to realize she's too good for me and leave me behind once she has a partner. I know this likely stems from my own feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem, but my OCD has latched itself to this fear and I've been catching myself falling into old habits that I thought I'd overcome. I don't want to be living under the cloud again. Just looking for some encouragement or someone else who understands what this feels like.