Help i can't breathe panic attack

Doesn't work.

Not really, no. It's like what I've done has traumatized me and I can't forgive myself

@2022💍 OCD hits us in areas we value most. You do love your husband, that's the real you. I can relate to this very same struggle, btw. I've learned it's not the arousal, it's our reaction to the arousal. I can also relate to the struggle of forgiving myself. I'd really like to walk with you through this, if you want. I am married as well, happily married.

@Someone99 I would appreciate it. I constantly feel i can't be happy and have to leave my marriage and be a lesbian. It's truly awful. I don't care who is gay but this this stressful.

@2022💍 I get it, more than you know. Not sure if it's more "taboo" as a guy with these struggles or not, but yeah, it is stressful for sure.

@Someone99 I noticed a lot of people have hocd from thoughts. Well mine was porn and fantasies and I could get off to it. It really upsets me.

@2022💍 I've developed porn addiction since my teens, and my OCD compulsion is ruminating, disruptive thoughts. Porn addiction and OCD are a difficult combination. I actually began to "punish" myself by watching gay porn. So much so I began to like it, but hate it, and so on...

@Someone99 I wish I did that after ocd hit and not before.

@2022💍 Has it been recently that you watched the lesbian porn, or a while ago?

@Someone99 I've brought it up to test my arousal lately to see but I haven't " masterbated' to it in almost 2 years. And surprise it aroused me. Fun.

@2022💍 OCD seems to cause us to "freak out" over these things. Like "omg I must be..." and "this means I must be...". We are so hard on ourselves with OCD, like no room for anything other than perfection. In reality, we're all flesh and blood, and hormones... Lol. Does this affect your intimacy with your husband?

@Someone99 No it never has. But my zoloft i started has affected it a little bit but that's been recently. I do get thouguys during intimacy and I don't like that. I've had it before and it didn't bother me but now I am like convinced I watched that stuff because I'm bi or gay and it's really a nightmare. It never stops.

@2022💍 It can stop. You're not liking yourself right now because of this. Believe it or not, as I've heard from many "experts" in OCD, the problem isn't really the problem. In other words, you're at war with yourself over this, but it's really a surface thing. There's healing elsewhere that may need to happen as well. It's been a wild ride for me through this, but so true, and helpful. I'm guessing by your nickname here you were married in 2022?

@Someone99 Where else would I need healing? I mean i definitely kind of feel like i betrayed my husband sometimes and im just ashamed i watched it and got off to it or had the fantasies in my head about it. I was fine before this. And yes my husband and I were married in 2022! Again to clarify I'm not against anyone who is gay. My best friend is a lesbian I don't care. It just gives me an insane amount of discomfort and anxiety.

@2022💍 Congratulations on your 2022 marriage!!! It's ok. May I ask you're name? I'm Mike

@Someone99 Abbey.

@2022💍 Hi Abbey. That was what I wanted to name one of our 2 children, but they were both boys. 🙂

@2022💍 What if you're husband knew you are or have been aroused by gay porn?

@Someone99 I need help on overcoming this.

@2022💍 I understand. Try to allow the thought, even though it's difficult because it's attached to arousal, it's still a thought. Allow it and separate from it. It's not you, it's not who or what you are, it's a thought. OCD is OCD no matter what the theme. So the way to healing is the same. It seems impossible but it's possible, Abbey.

@Someone99 It's seems very impossible since I can't tell now if I'm attracted to women's bodies or masculine lesbians now🥺 because of the arousal

@2022💍 Erp therapy has been extremely helpful for me and many others. I can share what I've learned through it with you, but it's something personal for all of us. We all need to learn response tools that help us through

@Someone99 Actually I do a different kind of therapy for ocd. But right now we are working on a few other things to get me ready for it since I wasn't able to focus at all and still have trouble due to the stress.

@2022💍 I'm glad to hear you're working with a therapist. When you get in to it, you'll need to identify triggers, and expose yourself to them, so you can develop response tools in order to prevent compulsions which lead to more spiraling. Exposure, response, prevention. I have a feeling the stress you're having is caused by the "what ifs" that are sooo typical with OCD. "What if I'm gay..." What if I really like this.." "What if someone finds out..." You believe it will destroy everything you hold dear. Am I close to accurate?

@Someone99 I'm not suggesting exposing yourself to the porn again, don't do that. Don't test, or research that way. It's not about the porn use, it's you're response to the thoughts you'll learn to manage

@Someone99 Yes pretty spot on. And what if I have to come out when I've been straight all my life.. that would just be weird? Like I get those sometimes too. A lot of it is trying to figure out why I chose to watch and allow certain fantasies in when I don't want it in real life, my brain says because you did that and allowed it you indneed do want ir.

@2022💍 And you can learn, Abbey. There is hope. If anything, I'll always encourage you in that. There is hope. 🙂

@2022💍 I have so much to share with you I can't type it all fast enough! Lol. Believe it or not, everyone has those and even more bizarre thoughts and fantasies. Again, it's how we respond to them. So, part is retraining our brains to react to those unwanted thoughts, the other is to build on positive things, good hobbies and habits, reading, mindfulness, etc. Again, don't test yourself by watching it again!

@2022💍 These things are not you, Abbey. If you were gay you wouldn't be having intrusive, unwashed thoughts and anxiety about it. That, my dear, is OCD. Not you.

@2022💍 I'm about to fall asleep, I'm on the east coast of the US so it's late. I hope to talk with you tomorrow, Abbey. Idk, maybe we could email or chat on a messaging app or something? If not, I'll write you here. 🙂

@Someone99 I appreciate it. But it's the fact that I got off to those thoughts. I can't let it go my mind won't stop. And my thoughts i get now feel so real like I would like it.

@2022💍 This is where you need to allow uncertainty. Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't... Reacting keeps you in the spiral, the anxiety, etc

@2022💍 Are you ok today?

@Someone99 No not really ok today. And I am not good with not knowing. That's not fair to my husband nor myself.

@2022💍 You know who you are, you know what you value.

@Someone99 Actually I don't know who I am anymore.

@Someone99 Because when I ask myself that my mind says yeah you know, you're gay!!!

@2022💍 What if you learned to find comfort in that thought, comfort in who you are?

@Someone99 You're saying I'm gay?

@2022💍 No

@Someone99 I have no clue what you're getting at. Find comfort in that thought? That's not very comfortable.

@2022💍 I'm saying you're reacting to a thought, which is what OCD is

@2022💍 Allow the thought to be what it is, a thought

@2022💍 Try it

@2022💍 And monitor your level of discomfort, don't react, just monitor it, control your breathing, relax, allow the thought

@2022💍 It is uncomfortable, Abbey, especially at first, but the more you work at it, the less uncomfortable it becomes. This is the basics of ERP

@Someone99 I feel like i allow it because it never stops. I can't go anywhere or do anything without a sexual thoughts of me and a masculine lesbian. It never fails. It's old and I'm tired of it.

@2022💍 It really helps to have a counselor walk you through it, especially at first. Eventually you'll learn how to on your own.

@2022💍 You're tired of fighting back.

@2022💍 You're tired of hating yourself

@2022💍 I've been there Abbey.

@2022💍 And I'm going to be here for you through this if you'll allow me to be

@Someone99 It's absolutely insane is what it is. No matter what I do, I never feel better. Then if i do a compulsion and go on reddit etc they say oh you're not straight if you are arouaed by that or had those fantasies and then I feel like crap for weeks until I get one somewhat decent day. It's rare.

@2022💍 It's good that you recognize going on reddit, etc is a compulsion. Compulsions do not help, as much as we "need" to do them, they keep us trapped.

@Someone99 Yeah.

@2022💍 So...no more reddit, or other types of research. And absolutely no more checking arousal with viewing porn. Ok? Do you trust me?

@Someone99 I check more in my head then anything.

@2022💍 Me too. That's another step. 🙂

@Someone99 Plus all of this mainly happened before hocd came into the picture. I've seen porn again to test myself but I haven't masterbated to it.

@2022💍 Where do you go in your thoughts?

@Someone99 It's typically always sexual letting someone do something to me and liking it sometimes it's vice versa. Ever now and then it's romantic stuff and not sexual. But it never looks bad always enjoyable and I think it should look bad.

@2022💍 What then?

@Someone99 Hu?

@2022💍 I mean, how do you react to those thoughts? You're shocked you have them? You're shocked you like them? What if someone would find out? And so on

@Someone99 I mean i wouldn't say i like them. They cause a lot of anxiety and stress and confusion, sometimes a lot of crying.

@2022💍 Do you and your husband have a shared faith or religion in any way?

@Someone99 I mean we both believe in God but we're raised differently. But both of our religions believe in God.

@Someone99 Hi Mike did you suffer with HOCD?

Ok. Hope it's ok for me to just get to know you a little bit. Sometimes religion can become distorted by OCD, and OCD can be accelerated by religious beliefs. It certainly can be for me. I learned a lot about that to. "God must hate me because of these thoughts...", etc. Adds something to it all.

@Someone99 Yeah so far our religion has had nothing to do with this. Unless I read something where someone posts about it then I'll get thoughts. But that's about it.

I'm a believer and my faith is very important to me, and has become so much more since beginning healing my OCD. :-)

@2022💍 Good. :-) What part of the world are you in, may I ask? No need to be specific, just wondering time zone

@Someone99 US time zone is Eastern.

@2022💍 Cool. Same here! Now I can say goodnight. :-) Think about something? I wonder how I can be here for you when you're in those very difficult moments, when you're thoughts get too much. Maybe help to keep you from breaking down to tears? (Hopefully that doesn't seem too weird:-))

@Someone99 All I need to know is what is normal and what isn't normal for a straight women.

@2022💍 I just say down and turned football on, and was about to message you. 🙂 Question is, is there an answer that will satisfy you? Or are you seeking reassurance?

@Someone99 No idea.

@2022💍 That's OCD. If one source gives you an answer, you won't accept it, you'll continue to research.

@Someone99 Yeah I've got plenty of answers good ones. But I've also read a lot of bad which makes it hard.

@2022💍 See. It's not about finding the right answer, it'll won't happen. That's the deception of OCD

@Someone99 The bad sticks with me and makes it hard to trust the good. Idk. I am just confused all of the time.

@2022💍 Thank you for opening up to me about this. I was just looking at my list of response tools on this app, my therapist helped me develop them and as I was going through the tough times I learned how to apply them with the help of my therapist. One is "this feels uncomfortable, I am choosing to sit with the uncertainty".

@Someone99 Yeah, I'm not in uncertainty girl. That's why I don't do erp.

@2022💍 This is what we need to work on. 🙂

@Someone99 I don't icbt. I will not do erp. Erp is living in uncertainty. Icbt is learning to trust yourself again.

@2022💍 Interesting. I was just briefly reading up on icbt therapy.

@Someone99 Yeah, i think erp is ridiculous. It's works for some but not everyone. I don't find it very fair to have to walk around and be like oh well idk if I'm gay, I'll never know. Not my style.

@2022💍 So what determines if someone is gay or not?

@Someone99 I'm not all the way through the therapy not even close. Icbt is more about direct evidence. Porn and fanatsies aren't direct evidence. Wanting to and sleeping with the same sex could be though. It's not determining if someone is gay or not. Erp calls them intrusive thoughts. Icbt calls them obsessional doubts. There is no criteria for ocd to have intrusive thoughts. It's obsessions and compulsions.

@2022💍 Ruminating is a compulsion, ruminating is intrusive. When I'm in an OCD cycle, it gets so bad I don't respond in conversation and even drive through red lights when driving.

@Someone99 Feel free to look up the icbt modules. They have them displayed for everyone to see them and look through them.

@2022💍 Will do!

@2022💍 How are you doing?

@Someone99 Not great. Getting scenarios still romantic and sexual and looks enjoyable and I can't handle it. I read someone said you can't get romantic ones with hocd😭😭

@2022💍 Researching again? 😉

@Someone99 It just happened this morning again and yeah kind of

@2022💍 That stinks. Would you say these thoughts/fantasies go against your morals?

@Someone99 Hi Mike… can I connect with you?

@Anonymous Hi. Sure. I did see your message earlier. What's going on?

@Anonymous Sorry just really struggling

@Someone99 Sorry just really struggling

@Anonymous I get it, this can be tough.

@Someone99 @Someone99 brother I am so sorry. Tmi but Have you ever gotten arouse thinking about doing sexual acts with a guy while pleasuring yourself and ejaculated. Because that’s what happened to me after a serious trigger. I did it to test myself and it was actually getting me aroused. I’ve been suffering with HOCD for a few years now. It had morfed to tocd and pocd but those don’t bother me as much.

@Someone99 Can I ask how you overcame this

@Anonymous Well, let me say I'm not completely healed, it's a daily journey. I have been in ERP therapy since July of 2023 and it has helped me tremendously. My worst moments are when I'm in deep ruminating cycles over real past events, I've actually used gay porn as a "punishment". I'm a recovering sex/porn addict as well, which is a great combination with OCD. Very similar actually, but different as well.

@Anonymous Add that to me being a faithful church attending Christian... I'm a train wreck, my friend.

@Anonymous So every day I successfully manage is a gift.

@Someone99 If you don’t mind me asking, did you ever get aroused by watching gay porn. I myself too have been a recovering sex porn addict. I never watched it, but when I was thinking these type of thoughts while pleasuring myself, I actually got aroused which heightened my HOCD

@Anonymous Yes and disgusted as well. I'm convinced that exposing yourself to it as a test is not good in this type of thing. There are other exposures and response tools that help.

@Someone99 How have you been able to balance everything when it feels so real.

@Anonymous It's a whole person thing for me. My values, my relationship with God, etc. I'm in a men's group for years now dealing with the porn addiction. Much of that has to do with past hurts, discovering why the need to "medicate" with porn is there. Also, many believe nowadays that you're born gay. I disagree. A murderer is a murderer because they kill. It's a choice. My belief, don't take offense of you disagree.

@Anonymous And it's about allowing the uncertainty. The "I must be gay" is the thought that causes the OCD crisis. Allow it and don't respond. Allowing it isn't agreeing with it either. When I apply the "maybe I am, maybe I'm not" type of uncertainty is when I realize how "not gay" I am.

@Someone99 I cannot thank you enough. This has been killing me for 3 years and legit feels so real that there are times I’m like yep I and but deep down I know I’m not but I can’t think like that cause of reassurance

@Anonymous No problem. Yeah, so many on here struggle with this and similar. It is a tough one. Reach out anytime you need someone to pull you out of the toilet bowl.

@Someone99 Thank you so much! Hope you and your family are doing well. I really appreciate all of your insight

@Anonymous Thanks, you as well. Here's something else, not sure if you're religious or what you think of the Bible, but one verse I've kept close to me in all my struggles, as direction, is 2 Timothy 2:22: " Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." In other words, get away from the garbage, but don't sit neutral because you'll drift right back. Flee... but pursue. Build positives in your life as well. 👍🏼

@Anonymous And I wonder if Zbswife is still around, and how she's doing.

@Someone99 So when you say get away from the garbage but don’t sit neutral because you’ll drift right back. What do you mean by that?

@Anonymous Oh, that is kind of confusing. Any negative. For me it includes OCD thoughts and ruminating. It's like once my mind becomes calm from successfully managing the mental compulsions, I need to fill it with positives. Like affirmations, good reading, learning something new (I'm trying to learn Spanish on Duolingo, lol). And of course stuff like porn use, etc. things that are damaging to my soul.

@Someone99 That actually makes a lot of sense. If you don’t mind me asking but how do you cope with how real it can feel sometimes

@Anonymous How do you get triggered? Is it thoughts, is there a person you're attracted to?

@Someone99 Everything brother the thoughts the “false attraction” feeling disconnected sometimes with my girlfriend questioning myself

@Anonymous It just feels like I’m living a lie when I know it’s not me

@Anonymous Ok. It's really invasive then. Can I ask your age?

@Someone99 30 had this back when I was 27 never before did I think about this

@Anonymous Glad you're not a minor, lol. You mentioned you had a porn problem? Are you staying away from porn?

@Someone99 Yes been off of it for porn or mas****ting for almost a month now. It’s just when the thought pops up (automatically) I feel like it’s so real that I get in my own head and then will mentally test myself or ruminate

@Anonymous Ok. I don't mean to sound discouraging, but it takes some time to be free from the porn addiction. Can you identify if your porn use is a means to medicate? Like when you're stressed out. When you say "test yourself", do you mean with fantasy, visually or how?

@Someone99 Fantasy for sure and in the past for sure visually as well. But it would be more just mentally thinking it well obviously performing the act. Something would trigger me and then I would have to test myself to see, and it was almost like forced and discussed after the fact at the same time too I would get very aroused by people the opposite sexso that would calm me down, but I know that’s a form of reassurance

@Anonymous Testing yourself may very well be a compulsion. What is testing yourself proving? What if you are gay? What if you're not?

@Someone99 I guess mine was trying to get certainty which I know is compulsive

@Anonymous Mmmhmmmm. Lol. Seems like OCD. Yeah, once I just allowed it, almost agreeing, but not, it eased up. I wouldn't test by looking at porn though, that's a dangerous trap. Allow it and stick to your values.

@Someone99 Even if it feels real a hell sometimes!

@Anonymous Yes. The way to break the cycle is to do the opposite of what we've done our whole lives. Would you want to communicate over email or something else?

@Someone99 Yes if you don’t mind that would be great!!!

@Someone99 You’ve been so helpful

@Anonymous Not sure why, but my last reply got "flagged"

@Someone99 If we can only communicate on here I understand

@Someone99 Is there a better way of communicating

@Someone99 Hey brother can I ask you a question

@Anonymous Hey, I was going to check in with you today to see how you're doing. Of course you can

@Anonymous Are my messages getting through?

@Someone99 Yes sorry they are. Just wanted to hit you up as you been a huge help. But I’ve been dealing with this for a long time but whenever I txt my girlfriend my brain instantly thinks about this old client I use to work with (who is gay). The minute I start txting her it makes me think I’m txting him and it kills me and makes me uncomfortable. There are time I’m thinking I’m txting her but have you ever gone through this. It’s like been in my mind for almost a year now and I hate it

@Someone99 Hey brother

@Anonymous How are you?

@Anonymous I'm wondering if you're seeing my messages since my one reply was flagged the other day. Are you seeing my messages or are they blocked for some reason?

@Someone99 No no I see your messages

@Anonymous Good. You said you wanted to ask a question and never did

@Someone99 Were you able to get my message below?

@Anonymous No. You said you had a question, then I got the "hey brother" and "I see your messages".

@Anonymous Not sure if something was missed. Lol

@Someone99 Not sure if you can see my message below

@Anonymous I see the message about the text now. Strange how it wasn't there before. I'll respond in a minute

@Anonymous So did you text this old client much? I ask that because between 2014-2018 I was on these strange websites meeting women. There were a couple I connected with long distance fairly regularly. But I always messaged them on separate apps. So after some time it was like I associated the app with the person. I had many mental affairs throughout those years, then actually in person hookup in 2018, then my wife found out about all of it. Sorry if that's TMI. Lol

@Someone99 Not really it was just a fear of like what if I just started to think about this person over my girlfriend and then that’s when my brain got so hyper focused that whenever I txt her now my mind goes straight to thinking about this person. I would say they were a good client/friend but that was it. I just hate this. Whenever I would get close to a girl I would start out find and then eventually my mind would start to think about txting this guy

@Anonymous Interesting. Can't say I can relate.

@Someone99 And when you knew this guy you didn't have any struggles?

@Someone99 Nope… Not until H OCD really took into effect and it was hard to work with him at the time that I was really struggling bad

@Anonymous I'm thinking through my ERP therapy experience about what may be a good approach for you with this challenge. At one point my therapist had me write letters to people involved in my intrusive thoughts, not with intent to actually send them, but for the exposure part. I wonder if that would help you. Write out what you would text to this guy when the thought pops up. Maybe seeing it on paper will help get it out of your head?

@Someone99 I think that makes a lot of sense thank you. I didn’t even think about that!

@Someone99 If you don’t mind me asking how did you deal with the realness aspect of HOCD

@Anonymous It's like we need to do something opposite from what we do when we're in the OCD spin.

@Anonymous Well, bottom line, I believe it's a choice. I believe a murderer is a murderer because he or she murders. A gay person is gay because they have sex with the same gender. I know most will disagree with that these days, I guess I'm old. Lol. But yeah, accept or allow the "yeah, I'm gay" thought, and get on with life. Like I mentioned early on, I didn't realize how not gay I am until I allowed the thoughts. Remember, opposite of what we normally do.

@Someone99 I really appreciate this brother thank you so much for all of your insight and guidance for this. Has been such a huge help

@Anonymous Anytime my friend. So where in this big world are you located? I'm in the eastern side of PA

@Someone99 I’m actually in northern new jersey right outside of New York!

@Anonymous How about that! My wife and I are currently at the Allentown airport waiting to fly to Dallas for the weekend. Our son and his wife are in the Dallas symphony orchestra so we're seeing the Christmas program tomorrow

@Someone99 What a small world! And congratulations to your son and his wife performance. Did you live in PA your entire life?

@Anonymous I have. I was born and raised only a few miles from where we have lived for the past 30 years. Not sure if that's good or bad. Lol. How about you?

@Someone99 I’m good just trying to take a day by day. It’s like the OCD and thoughts are there 24 seven throughout the day.

@Anonymous How is your time with your girlfriend? Is it keeping you from being present with her?

@Someone99 Moments there are that I’m in my own head but other times I feel very present with her… Which I’m happy about that’s when I’m alone, which is the one that really hits me

@Anonymous Yep, that's where the battle is. That's the time self care is most important, but most difficult. Glad to hear you're experiencing good moments with her!

@Someone99 Yeah, it’s like when I’m by myself that’s where it hits me the most and I get the thoughts images sensation, and even urges which I don’t like, but then my brain tries against me I do and it’s just miserable

@Anonymous Believe it or not, that could still be the porn use/addiction. When I began the program I did to deal with that, they say it takes 3-5 years to be free from it. It's still in your brain pathways, so you could possibly still be looking to medicate in the world of perverted fantasy.

@Anonymous For me it was probably around 4 years. It's amazing how that shit destroys us

@Someone99 3-5 years when starting the recovery journey?!

@Anonymous Yeah, from the porn use, at an addiction level. It's freaky

@Anonymous I'm having a rough OCD time the past couple days. Seems to happen after a busy, awesome weekend like I had in Texas

@Someone99 Ya like I was feeling good a year after I had started to develop HOCD and since getting into a new relationship with someone I care about it came back 1000% stronger which started from early 2023 till now

@Someone99 Ya for me it was definitely the porn/mbating that I was addicted too growing up that had a huge effect on me

@Anonymous Me too. I was at the point where I was making excuses to not go somewhere with my wife just so I had time at home to spend hours on porn. Total addiction. The recovery program I got in was brutal, but necessary.

@Someone99 I know I asked this, but did the HOCD really convince to at one point in time that you really thought you were gay to the core. Because there have been moments where it felt like that and it felt horrible.

@Anonymous Yeah, I certainly get the feeling horrible part. I'm not sure where the veil between fantasy and reality is for me in this. I've never been a typical manly man kind of guy, lol. So that made teenage years just great. And my fantasy was super charged several years ago when I met this young woman on a fetish website. She, her bf and I would role play some crazy stuff. But that opened up something very almost evil inside me, complete perverted lust. I don't want to give in to that. I don't want that to be my reality, it's hell and death, pain and anger. But at the same time, I can't fight with the thoughts, that's the OCD thing. It's really complicated.

@Someone99 I know what you mean. Mine sometimes make me feel like I’m Someone I know I’m not but my brain makes me think that I am and that gets me confused and very anxious it’s like I know I’m not but my brain is like nope this is you