Bullying and social rejection 20+ only

That's disgusting, though sadly I'm not too surprised that some teenagers would do something as terrible as that to someone else. I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I know we grow out of these things and it shouldn't be blamed for who we are as adults but fuck, being a teenager just isn't fun at all sometimes. It's really terrible most times. I do not like watching anything that involves high school, especially if it's showing romance, stereotypes or just the setting. I just can't stand being reminded of it. I too didn't go to prom because I had no reason to and didn't find anyone. Not even then I cared. I for sure didn't care about high school reunions. I didn't have a lot of friends there but I did have some, and I just kept it to that and nothing more. I'm with you on that. Yeah, I just don't know how to get over the past or come to terms with it. I just struggle so much with it. There's just some things about this that have bothered me then that still bother me now and that's what makes it harder to cope.

@BigGyro09 - Maybe it could be a symptom of PTSD but I'm not sure. Highschool years are tough, I've have people make up terrible rumors about me because I was occasionally shy and cut my hair short. It still affects you because those years are crucial for development and can get pretty confusing at times to deal with. But trust me, highschool isn't everything. 4 years is nothing compared to a lifetime of adulthood where you can control who you get to hang out with instead of a class setting where you are essentially forced to bond with the people around you. Don't worry if it still bothers you, it's a trauma response, maybe a support group with other people can help in healing old wounds. My scars are still there of course. But they can gradually heal overtime with patience. I went to my prom during COVID-19 and it was terrible, cold, damp food, and loud music constantly bumping my ears. I went because I 'thought' highschool was supposed to be the best years of your life, as everyone said it was, but it was the total opposite. I didn't bring anyone either. I left early and never thought about it again. Don't let those years defy you, it's only a brief moment of your life that will pass on it's own. Let it wash away into the abyss.

@anxious artist I was really shy and kept to myself. I only really open up to people I've been used to being around and trust. I'm still that way today. I'm not sure if it's PTSD but it could be trauma. I'd say I have some trauma from the past that has happened. That's the reason I can't get over it or it's because of OCD hyper fixing on this. I think I went into high school thinking it was going to be something special from the little I could remember. I'm really trying to follow the last sentences you said. It's true. I want to believe it but there's always someone that's keeping me from doing so. It's been 9 years now. I should have been let it all go.

@BigGyro09 - I totally get it. Sometimes, I get really bad OCD days, where I fixate on my teenage years thinking about what I could've done to make them better, or worried that I am going to bump into my bullies at the store or bus. I am essentially stuck in this neighborhood so I don't have the money to move out of the city to prevent being reminded of the past. It also could be a defense mechanism for your OCD since the brain sometimes repeats certain memories to prevent it from happening again in the future. It's very common for OCD to latch onto the past and make us worry about every little thing to keep us from moving on and remaining stuck in a loop like a carousel. I thought highschool would be similar to how it was portrayed in the movies I saw when I was younger, but it was just a huge cringey awkward mess I never want to go through again. Also video games are a great form of escapism, even if it's difficult to move on, (which is understandable for most people dealing with past trauma) it can help keep the brain occupied through tasks, activities, and ventures, even just chatting with someone through multiplayer can keep the negative thoughts at bay. I hope you can find peace and healing from the difficult experiences, even if it takes time.

@anxious artist I think I get fixated on my teenage years because a part of me knows that I deserved better than that. I know that the negative things that happened to me were not fair and that I just wish didn't. I can't do anything to change what did happen though. That doesn't mean I can make peace with it though. I don't know much about processing trauma. Most of what I've done in the past I'm not doing now thankfully. I don't know what I thought high school would be like but I just knew it would be a big next step. Too bad I wasn't ready for much of it at the beginning. Sadly I haven't been enjoying video games all that much anymore. I don't feel much of a desire to play them so I've just been doing art and music. I want to enjoy it but I feel like there's other factors as to why I don't. There's so much bothering me about this that it's overwhelming. I'm just really upset and feeling a lot of negative feelings and don't really know what to do.

@BigGyro09 - Is there anything in particular from those years that still bothers you? For me it still bugs me due to being unable to fit in with the crowd, always quiet, reserved, struggling with bad social anxiety. Maybe it's the fear that these feelings will return in a different stage (which is unlikely since that phase is over) but the wounds and trauma remain there. OCD likes to dig up old things about us to keep us trapped, it's why a lot of people have a hard time getting over memories because they were real and traumatic.

@anxious artist Everyone you said bothers me still along with how I was exposed to inappropriate content at a young age and got hooked on it, which kept me further away from where I think I wanted to be at the time. What I also remember seeing messes me up too. I've implemented new beliefs about some of those past experiences though. I have my friend groups. I don't click with everyone, nor do I try to click with everyone due to being an introvert. I think I would like to talk to people more, but I'm just comparing myself to others and how I'm different from them and I don't think that helps. It's definitely the fear of it happening again. We're constantly reminded of those thoughts because it's our mind trying to protect us from it happening again. I don't think we've found a way to effectively deal with situations of rejection so we just avoid trying altogether, when the truth is there is a way. The trauma side of things is different though.

@BigGyro09 - Sounds like what you're experiencing is unresolved trauma from your childhood. Maybe a support group for people who went through a similar event could help you feel less isolated about what you've experienced? I spoke to my NOCD specialist about the PTSD I went through from being a victim of abuse and having someone to be able to just listen to my pain made me feel less scared and alone. You're probably bottling up the trauma inside to prevent the pain from coming back hence why you're probably struggling to move on.

@anxious artist Yeah, I think you're right. I just don't know how to process all of this on my own and I need to bring it to the attention of my therapist. I think it's what's keeping me from improving my self esteem and basically living my life. Whenever I feel triggers of negative feelings, it ties back to the events we talked about one way or another. Whether it's socializing, dating, confidence, or insecurities. Did speaking with your NOCD specialist help you with that trauma? I hope it did.

@BigGyro09 - I did managed to speak to my NOCD specialist before about my trauma and it did help alot, the problem is that since I don't have insurance I can't really see her anymore until I find a new one. But I am pretty sure bringing up your past with your therapist will help you recover, NOCD specialists are used to hearing all sorts of stories related to real event ocd, false memory, contamination, etc. I don't doubt your case would be any different from another ocd sufferer who struggles with similar themes.

@anxious artist I really do hope you'll be able to find another therapist with the help of your mother. It sounds like it's helped you a ton and I'm glad it did. I think it can help for me too.