I really am in a panic. I really need someone to talk to.

I just feel so much guilt from stuff when I was a teen. When I was 15-16 my friend showed me drawn porn (hentai) and it was very bad stuff like probably illegal even, and I didn’t like know what any of this stuff was really till my friend showed me this stuff. I feel so much guilt for even seeing this, even tho the friend showed all their friends. I’ve talked to a therapist about this, and how we watched some very not good hentai and did stuff together (were the same age). The therapist told me we were kids who were just discovering ourselves/didn’t know better/ etc. on top of that I also used to read noncon type Hentai. Didn’t realize it was bad. And then like one time i started going out with someone online and we did a roleplay where their favorite character fed them and it lasted maybe 10 minutes and I realized 2 months in (we barely spoke) I didn’t realize how old they were and I had just turned 17 and they were like “I’ll be 14 in like 2 months” and asked if I was mad at them and I was like no but I’m p sure I ghosted them if memory serves me right. Anyways my pocd is going off insanely and I just want my innocence back bc my past mistakes are making me obsess and wanting to disappear sooo hard right now. Late night panicking even after taking me 300 mg of seroquil. I may take a prn “take as needed” pill. I’m just panicking I feel like a terrible human being.

@Mars Please understand that it is unbelievably normal for young people to look into those kinds of things and all sorts of weird things , and that’s because as a human , we would rather know things than not know them ! It’s like if you drive by a horrible accident , you wanna look and check it out for yourself. It’s just a part of being a human , and as for feeling bad , you said it yourself ... you didn’t know what any of it was !! Without knowledge of something , how could you label yourself as a bad person :((. Sometimes things that are the opposite of what we are used to are exciting not because we LIKE them , but because they’re different and they’re things we’ve never explored before. As for the age difference , like I said , you didn’t know that’s how old they were so that can’t be used as evidence confirming your fears. Plus some people can look older than they are or may be more mature than people their age. Besides , dating age gaps from 14 to 17 aren’t huge at all honestly. Obviously it’s preferable not to date that age or date in general , but it doesn’t at all make you a bad person ! You weren’t even an adult yet and maybe you bonded with them over their interests and hobbies , something that happens regardless of age. You’re obviously very upset by all this , and a genuinely horrible person would not even been thinking about it let alone remember it. I hope you feel better ASAP ❤️

@xiiiandreww Yeah, therapists over the years have told me that I did nothing wrong (speaking about the relationship) and like we barely spoke. It wasn’t really an interest thing it was people would always look for attention on this one website including me, and would be like “wow I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend” blah blah blah. So that’s kind of how it happened. Honestly I just feel really sick. It’s like I feel if people knew I’d get a call out post about me and people would be telling me how terrible of a person I am. Because like I’ve seen over the years people under 18 get called out for being “bad people”. It’s terrifying. I just want to live my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t even date at all now because I realized I don’t even feel romantic attraction to people. I’m just stressed out so bad. People get called out for stuff like I did. So it’s driving me up a wall.

@Mars Trust me , I wouldn’t be giving even the slightest bit of credibility to our society , and I wouldn’t give them the validation as the proper judges. Our society has created cancel culture , and honestly it’s a toxic cult where people gang up to assasinate the characters of people who made mistakes in THE PAST. Obviously not all society is this way , but some of it is. We have to be aware , but don’t let them bring you down. If society has any knowledge left , they would understand that teenagers absolutely love any kind of attention they can get , and people do very interesting things to get attention. It seems like cancel culture just cancels people for attention anyway so they have no room to judge ??‍♂️ judging someone by calling them a bad person is in and of itself the quality of a bad person , you clearly have morals and that’s amazing , embrace the fact that you want to be the very best person you can be because that’s a really important trait to have. I don’t think you’re even a little bit close to being a bad person ❤️

@xiiiandreww Thank you a lot. It’s a hard battle to face. I have stuff I want to do with my life and my ocd is just stopping it all from happening because of dumb fears like this. It really sucks. Heck my best friend of 10 years and I had a fall out bc of undiagnosed bpd I had, and my ocd has been obsessing like “what if I hurt them because we would roleplay sexual things. What if they never told me and were uncomfortable or something?” It scares me but like logic says they probably would hate me or have said something about that specifically by now. I just want the ocd to end. I really wish it could. It drives me insane. I want to be happy.

@Mars Keep on working towards finding happiness , it is hard , but trust me it’s possible. OCD is not the only aspect of who we are , and there’s so many great things about ourselves that we don’t realize because of it. Try to show yourself respect and love , you deserve it ! You can still do great things even with OCD , and you can do great things BECAUSE of it , like becoming a mental health professional , motivational speaker , etc. As for the role play , I agree that they would tell you , but try to accept that you don’t know and can’t know , as hard as it is. OCD gets easier when you accept uncertainty , and this situation is no different. Even if you did upset her , you would have changed since then and you wouldn’t have realized it. Don’t let what you see as a mistake define you , let what you got out of it define you !

@xiiiandreww Thank you... it definitely is hard because our ocd can make up so many fake scenarios and situations as “what if”... accepting uncertainty is the hardest, especially on the harder or taboo subjects. I wish it didn’t have to be so hard or torturous.