Your last sentence is the most important one. " how to deal with this damn THOUGHT" right there! that's all it is. a thought. it is not a fact, is it not a photograph of a real event, it is JUST a DAMN thought. First thing to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember.. you HAVE OCD. so you have to be prepared for odd thoughts to present themselves in a way that SEEMS true. Memory is also EXTREMELY subjective and VERY easily manipulated. You can actively create a memory of something that never even happened, SO memories should not EVER be considered facts. Ok, now with this in mind, 3 years old... there is not a chance in HECK that you have an accurate memory of this event ( if it even happened) and if you know anything about OCD, you know better than to even try to examine or analyze because that's a compulsion, and compulsions make OCD worse. As someone who has struggled with the false memory of not being sure if I cheated on my boyfriend or not, I understand EXACTALLY where you are coming from with the awful feeling of guilt and shame. BUT, I overcame my false memory by telling myself " it didn't matter then, it doesn't matter now" and that's true in your case too because this isn't about an event, its about a thought. a thought you will never be able to prove true of false, and you will just need to accept the 99.9999% probability that it never happened.
Now with OCD- giving reassurance is a no no, so I am not going to do that. But giving facts is important. And I will give you the fact I also learned from my Psychology degree and child development classes, that children go through stages of gratification, oral ( when babies put their mouth on everything) and tactile ( touching everything) and other related states. it is very common for a 3 year old to practice gratification. It is NOT a sign of abuse or being abusive, it is in its most simple form, normal childhood development. The fact of the matter is... a 3 year old literally CANNOT sexually assault a another child.... they cant assault ANYTHING. Sexual assault requires intent. To sexually assault someone, you have to do so purposefully, with intent, understanding and premeditation. a 3 year old does not have that ability. My dad used to let me stand in the shower with him when I was a toddler, one day I reached up and smacked his.... year, you get the picture. That was the day my parents decided I was too big to shower with daddy lol, would you say I sexually assaulted my dad? no, I was 3 lol I was doing whatever my 3 year old brain thought would be fun or interesting at the time. IF you did anything with your family member, it was not sexual in nature, it was exploratative from the perspective of a developing child.
BUT, all of what I just said it basically irrelevant because this comes back to your last sentence. its just a thought. treat it as such " didn't matter then, doesn't matter now" let the anxiety persist until your brain figures out its a false alarm and live your life. all is well.
