My ROCD story: Ever since the beginning of my relationship, I was surprised by my now fiancée. I wasn’t certain about how I felt at first, but he was so incredibly kind and funny, and so I decided to give it a shot. I fell absolutely head over heels in love with him. We could stay up for hours talking about random stuff, eating at diners, taking romantic night drives, watching the rain. After about 6 months of dating, he came to see my hometown and blurted out that he was going to marry me. Lol. We had such a perfect visit and he fit so well with my family. Every day he would steal me away for a moment just to kiss me goodnight or tell me he loved me. It was really as perfect as it gets. After our trip, I came down with mono (fml) and started feeling awful. I’ve noticed that when I get physically sick, my anxiety gets triggered times a million. So every bad thought I’d had started haunting me; this is when I would say my intrusive thoughts started happening. I would spend hours a day ruminating on whether or not I liked him, do we have enough fun together, would I like someone better, am I bed person for thinking this, am I hurting him by staying, maybe if I leave the anxiety will stop... yada yada yada. My compulsions were googling and comparing my relationship to others. The closer we got to the end of the semester before my graduation from grad school, the closer I knew I was to a proposal. Not only was a proposal coming, but also: graduation from college, finding my first real adult job, moving to a new place, leaving my current roommate and best friend, and changing community groups at church. This was a total recipe for disaster and anxiety! Somehow I kept it mostly together, but my compulsions continued. I had a few anxiety attacks before getting engaged, one of them a few weeks before. My then-boyfriend knew something was wrong, and he got me a card that said, “I’ll love you even if the wheels come off” and it had a picture of a wagon on it. He told me he still thought it was a great idea to marry me and that he just wanted to love me, with all the anxiety I might bring to the table. THAT’s the type of person you want to be with. Fast forward a few anxiety attacks, an engagement that was so incredibly thoughtful (I felt both relieved and slightly anxious on that day), and five months of being on hormonal birth control pills, and I am just 2 weeks out from my wedding. I have had panic attacks for the past 2 months (from the BC pills, I’m figuring it out lol) but figuring out that my thoughts probably come from ROCD has been a lifesaver. I can now separate my thoughts that are not in line with what I believe - even though I am still triggered DAILY and struggle a lot— I believe I will be happy one day again, because what me and my husband-to-be is really special. I’m getting some supplemental progesterone to even out my mood swings/ hormones before the wedding, and I am hoping that my big day will be just as beautiful as I had hoped. Fuck ROCD - the voices in my head aren’t going to win. Panic attacks won’t win. My insecurity and fears won’t win. I’m getting married and there is nothing my ROCD can do about it.