Hate SOOCD

Me and my fiancé have been together for several years. Our love is not infatuation or lust at this point, true comfortable type of love. My mind seems to think this means I do not love him and it's because I'm actually gay. Sometimes I catch myself thinking things like, "Well if I don't love him anymore, maybe I can learn to love him again. Maybe if I just keep going." And that scares me because I remember i used to see a talk therapist, and one time I discussed my fear that one day I'd wake up and realize I was gay, and he said something like people don't just wake up in a hetero relationship and realize they're actually gay but they usually say "maybe I can learn to love them, maybe I can make myself love them." So, similar to what I'm thinking now. Freaks me out so bad. I KNOW I love him, but geez this is the worst theme I've ever had. Anything and I mean ANYTHING is evidence to my mind. Any little thought, action, dream, word. I can't even think about getting my hair cut or dress a certain way without my mind ssying that makes me gay or will make me look gay. (Which, what does gay even look like lmfao?) Sorry, just needed to vent.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 40w

Feeling this on so many level! fyi you're therapist is wrong, a lot of friends of mine (straight friends) have dated guys and sometimes they feel this way. It happens. I havr also been with my bf for a very long time so I completly underdtand what you're saying. Me fear is that I never even experienced lust/or intense love at the beginning and that means Im gay.... what helps me is saying "everyone is somewhere womehow on a spectrum, its okay, what I know that is that I choose him and we'll see about the future when we get to it!". Hope it helps!

Anonymous

Date posted: 40w

Thank you so much for your comment! The bit about choosing him and crossing the future bridge when we actually get there has helped me tremendously. I'm putting that in my non engagement response repertoire.

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 40w

@Anonymous - Good for you! Happy I could help! Im currently going through a rough patch as well feeling like I “cant feel enough” or dont feel “in love” with him but more like hes my friend. Also something that also bothers me is the “unexplecable feeling” people feel when they’re in love or attracted and it feels like I cant feel that and my OCD is tellinh me that its because im in denial because I could feel it with women if I imagine it ughhg

Anonymous

Date posted: 39w

@Anonymousesti Oh my god I'm in the same exact boat. I always think, "Oh, but maybe you only love him platonically and not romantically." And it is so so stressful. I especially understand what you said about how you think you can feel those emotions when imagining scenarios with a woman. I do the same, imagine something involving a woman, and immediately go oh it felt like you liked that. It's so so annoying and so scary sometimes. I just want my comfort and peace of mind back 😭

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 39w

@Anonymous - I feel you! at least we're not alone!! how long have you been suffering with these thoughts?

Anonymous

Date posted: 39w

@Anonymousesti A couple months now. It started in september after I got engaged. I had dealt with this theme years ago and somehow gotten over it, but it's reared its ugly head again. I blame major life changes 😮‍💨

Anonymousesti

Date posted: 39w

@Anonymous - samee girl! feel free to talk to me whenever you want!

rosie_rosie

Date posted: 17w

So I’m really scared that I won’t be able to differentiate my thoughts, real thoughts, to the intrusive ones.

So pretty much I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts my entire life, I had no idea could’ve been symptom of OCD until maybe a year ago , I have this fear right now that I don’t actually love my fiancé and I’m not attracted to men. I am attracted to men. Let me be clear. I’m not attracted to females. I never have been and I never will be. But it’s one of the scariest thoughts I’ve ever had that I don’t actually care about the person that I would sacrifice anything for that I would do anything for. He’s pretty much the closest family that I have and I just wanna be with him for the rest of my life. A couple months ago was that I just didn’t care at all, and I didn’t have any feelings and everything that I felt was me being fake in that nothing was real. But I eventually got over that and the new thought is that I’m actually gay even though I know I’m not. And in the world we live in now where it’s be yourself be you if it comes across your mind. That’s the obvious truth. Be yourself… It’s kind of scary to think about. I just want it to leave me alone. I’m actually so scared that eventually I’ll believe it because some thoughts that I’ve learned were intrusive. I ended up starting to believe and it turned into a whole catastrophe for my life. I met this girl and she felt a certain way about her husband and then she told me that eventually I’ll feel that way and ever since then I just I haven’t gotten over this fear that I’m gonna end up feeling the same way she is. Also, I recently got over a few themes. I’m not ready to share, but I’m so proud that I got over those and I just I’m waiting for this one to leave me alone and it’s not and I’m starting to get really scared that it’s true and I don’t want it to be true. and just to be very clear I don’t care who you love what you love who you like what you identify as because you can in fact be yourself but this just doesn’t feel like me. I’m genuinely reaching out to try to get help for this because now it’s messing with our personal life. We’ve never argued so much in our entire relationship and now I realize that it’s mainly my fault because I’m detaching myself from all emotion just so that I can get over this thought I’m detaching myself from all intimacy and that’s even scarier because what if it’s not me detaching myself and it’s me just not being attracted that’s another thought I’ve hadI’ve gone all long enough so thanks.

Masc4lesb

Date posted: 16w

LESBIAN WITH SO-OCD

hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd

LiaExe28

Date posted: 14w

Couple of rough days - soocd

I’m like 90% sure I’m just bi, more romantically inclined to men, mainly my bf who I wanna marry. But now my brain is like “if you lean into liking women or keep circling and circling for answers you’ll lose all attraction to men and your bf. You’re practically already a lesbian” I feel so tense and anxious I will admit I am talking to chat gpt out of desperation I’m scared of losing all attraction to him I don’t wanna be thinking about women. I don’t unless I’m really stressed cuz when I’m stressed my ocd can take advantage of that I can usually ground myself when I’m in the city with him but I’m back home for most of the summer and I can’t be physically close to him which usually reminds me that hey this is real this is what I really want in life. Him But then I panic and question I haven’t been here in a while tbh. I’m worried I don’t feel enough. I don’t like magic Mike all that much, I like softer guys. But now the fact I don’t like/get turned on by random men on tv but do women in lingerie really stresses me out and makes me worry I’m truly a lesbian but I’m not. Once I started getting to know my bf and my ex bf’s I really did truly genuinely like them and wanted to make out and everything. Idk can anyone relate to the not liking big buff men All my brain is repeating rn is “when he dies you’ll be able to date a woman, when you break up you’ll only wanna date women” and it’s stressing me out. It’s making me nauseous. I was doing well for about a couple days after I initially left but being at home has been so incredibly draining This might give you a vision of how stressful home is: I’ve been on nexplanon for 7 months ish? Only had very minimal spotting during a stressful school period. Today: fully bleeding, like a usual period. I haven’t had my period since having it put in. I wanna go back to my bf so badly rn. I’m so worried I’m faking or don’t feel enough. I’m learning what a healthy relationship looks like and I’m terrified I’m gonna up and leave him when we’re older cuz I’ll finally figure out that I’m a lesbian or smthn. Idk. Someone pls just help me out a tad

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