- Date posted
- 40w
Suicidal OCD is draining me
I've had Harm OCD since 2014, managed it well through self guided ERP. By 2018 I developed suicidal OCD, at that time I had no idea it was OCD & was terrified, experienced all of the hallmark compulsions, hiding, avoiding and even stayed in a facility because MH teams made uneducated comments that made the anxiety worse & I didn't feel safe. After several months I finally got accepted for CBT with ERP therapy but because I'd confronted alot of it & guided myself through ERP there wasn't much more the therapist could do and I was signed off. I came off medications in 2019. Since then each year I've had a lapse with it, usually when I'm under stress or moods have felt a little lower - usually happens during the winter months. each year the lapse has lasted maybe 2 weeks before it lifts. I have not had a lapse since January 2023 and now back in what I suspect is another lapse - so I've gone quite some time without ocd driven suicidal thoughts. This time feels very heavy for me and has been around 3 weeks up to now.. The problem I have is that I know so much about it I've gotten TOO self aware so I can only get momentary relief before the doubts kick back in and have me feeling cr*p here's what I'm currently experiencing & even posting this I'm aware is another compulsion to get relief. I stupidly watched a webinar about differentiating between OCD Sucidal ideation & Actual ideation.. 1 of the points said people with ideation also experience high anxiety On top of that memories of what clinicians said to me - 'anxiety could get so high you could act impulsively' or that I was trying to convince them it was OCD when it isn't' Not great for someone seeking certainty. I know what the lapses look like, what the thoughts are, what my compulsions are because each lapse is almost identical, this time feels worse because I've alot of mental stress anyway and low folate levels which I just started taking Folic acid for. I was having anxiety about not getting anxiety about the thoughts because rationally & logically I know it's OCD But I'm constantly feeling like I'm trying to convince myself it's OCD Reviewing past experiences I'm attempting to not give into compulsions but I know I am - researching, articles, looking up the differences etc I even went away by myself stayed in a hotel by myself to try and confront the thoughts to prove I wasn't a risk to myself, bought helpful supplements to help take the edge off I've self referred to IAPT and will be making an appointment to go back onto meds, I'm confronting this as much as I can - I'm having at least a daily anxiety attack because I just can't differentiate if I'm deeply depressed and suicidal or if this is all really clever OCD I have a family, kids, everything to love in my life.. gah this thing is frustrating and so rough :(