I read this and instantly began to sob!
I, too, wonder why I cannot just be a "normal" mom with a "normal" brain.. but here's the thing: what is "normal"?
I try to steer clear of using this word because it means something different for everyone. Normal to you may not be normal to me. I sub in the word "average" instead because average keeps things factual. It makes complicated become simple. Evidence, facts, science.
There is no worse feeling than the feeling of not being normal- like everyone else.
Putting this amount of pressure on yourself while you are already struggling mentally and emotionally with being so different from most others, is only going to make your OCD feel so much worse and more difficult to live with than it already is.
I know it's hard. I know it hurts. I know how it feels to look at your children and wish more than anything that you could just be "normal" and be the parent that they deserve. But the truth is, you are!
You are everything that they need and YOU are doing your best! To be able to post this instead of hiding it or keeping these intrusive thoughts to yourself is proof that you are trying. You are aware of the monster that is OCD, trying to take these moments from you and your family away, and sometimes it feels like OCD wins...
I promise you that I know. I know the pain it brings, especially when it comes to having kids. I feel as though OCD takes so many precious moments with my own kids away from me, and I feel like I've been robbed of memories that will one day be horrifying or sad instead of the happy and loving times they should be for me. But if I take a breath and look at these moments through my children's eyes, they still are! They don't have the monster that is OCD haunting all of their experiences in the ways that you or I do (hopefully), and they only see and feel all of the best parts of these times with you. Isn't that part of being a good parent? To make sure our children get the best of everything, even if that means we, ourselves, may not? OCD may be trying to take away precious moments from you. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through that :( but I take comfort in knowing that at the very least, it hasn't been able to take them away from my kids. It doesn't creep in to their minds and twist those moments around into dark, scary and awful memories. They still get to know and see those experiences exactly as they are, even if I cannot. This does help me as a mom. I hope it can help you, too♡
I feel hopeless in my OCD more times than not, and I would never wish for another living being to ever have to feel what I feel everyday. But the reality is that they do, but with that also means that there are others who can relate.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are not the only one who feels the way you feel! And I will always be here to remind you if you need to be reminded of this! As I'm sure many others on here will be as well.
Please remember that moment of your children putting up the Christmas tree, as a happy one. Remember how you struggled because ocd was there trying to steal that moment from you and turn it into it's own twisted and distorted version of a memory that you know, true to your heart, was and IS a blessing that you were able to experience with your children. And if you can't because ocd will not let you, try to remember that your children don't have this weight on them. Try thinking of how they will remember this moment with you. They're going to remember laughing and smiling and you taking their photo because their mom wanted to be able to look back one day and be there with them all over again. They're going to remember that you were there! That counts for so much more than you give yourself credit for. That counts for everything! You were there and you cared and you were trying! Don't allow ocd to win, mama! I know most days it does seem to win, for me at least, but if ocd has done one thing good in my life, it's been introducing me to this app and making it possible for me to be able to remind other people like you and me, that there is hope. There is light and there is never a day you will be in this alone! You will always have us on here to remind you how much you are cared about and never ever alone! ♡
