help me please it hurts me

What if all of this “what if i dont live him and never did” is real, it is too constant 24/7 and just consuming i camt be happy around him im always sad and angry and i get so many intrusive feelings? or are they intrusive??? they feel real and i dont want to accept this. every time i read something with “you choose tour partner” what if i don’t actually want him. i feel so bad because he is so special to me and such a good guy that did a lot of things for me and i feel like a monster. he dosent deserve this. i forgot how love feels like. even when we are together my thoughts wont leave me. i need help. i cant go ti therapy. how come the first 4 months of the relationship i was fine and then poof, everything in my head changed. i have been obsesing for over a year and i am hopeless

Relationship OCD

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 38w

First- why is therapy not an option? if not, can medication be? Second- a statement that starts with "what if" is almost ALWAYS an OCD fear that isn't based in logic or reality. 3. what ever you are reading, that's coming from compulsive behavior- research is compulsive and compulsions make OCD worse and often time you find information that is completely subjective and cant be applied to you, like " you choose your partner" what does that even mean? no duh its a choice, we don't imprint on random people like baby ducks! 4. Feelings are not facts- OCD is KNOWN for the false feelings it causes in its sufferers that make them doubt everything-hence why its called " the doubting disease" 5. You are showing the cognitive disonance in the middle by admitting how wonderful you think he is and how obviously you WANT to love him yet you are paying attention to intrusive thoughts that have no logic telling you " oh but maybe you don't"... 5. OCD comes out of nowhere. i had ROCD hit one week after becoming official with my boyfriend who i had been casually dating for a couple months and had know for half a year. Stress, big life changes, these can trigger OCD. 6. its not permanent. ou just have to acknowledge its OCD- practice ERP on your own since you cant/wont do therapy, and push thru it. I'm not married to the man i didn't know if i was even attracted to. It goes away. Also- if you get ANY relief from my post what so ever- especially if its on a euphoric level, that's a 100% indicator its OCD and not you and you just need to treat it as such.

Mariabae

Date posted: 38w

@TexasOCD41 omg, i appreciate you so much for taking your time to write. I cant go to therapy because my parents wont let me (im 17) , they know about my thoughts but they say i just need to stop and feel better??? like be happy and stop paying attention to them.

Mariabae

Date posted: 38w

@TexasOCD41 and i don’t exactly know how to do erp in an effective way

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 38w

@Mariabae - UGGGHHH i cant STAND people like that. No can control their thoughts, its an automatic random occourance. We can self direct them, we can pick and choose which ones we want to pay attention, but EVERYONE has intrusive thoughts. the main differences is people with OCD attach a meaning to the thoughts that are essentially "junk mail" to the brain. Your parents are only right about one small thing, which is that you will have to train your brain to stop paying attention to them. I will attach some links to the websites i used to learn everything i needed to know about OCD as well as some links to a youtube who is sponsored by NOCD and FANTASTIC at teaching about different aspects of OCD as well as how to do ERP correctly and effectively. Hang in there, you are ALMOST 18 and at that point you can make doctors appointments on your own and get help. You could probably go on one of these newer websites and have access to medication too but consult your doctor first. HECK i would even come up with something minor to get your parents to allow for a dr appoint now and tell your dr in confidence what is going on and that you need resources. But for now, start with these places of information and if you need to discuss things more, just reply to this thread and ill reply. https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/relationship-ocd https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/five-signs-relationship-ocd https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/ocd-and-relationships-navigating-common-challenges - i googled "NOCD ROCD" for these results, you can find these and SO MUCH more on the NOCD website. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NdKSEVDGO8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4r0kir8COY&t=555s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzSCy_CuMsI He has hundreds of videos.Just type "ERP" or "ROCD" into the search on his page and it will help you sort. Start here and know that it all will be alright. you can get thru this. I'm 33, iv lived with OCD since i was 13 and i understand how isolating and crippiling it can be. You are not alone. Hang in there. P.S.- pay attention to compulisions. These are the kyrptonite to recovery. They make you feel good SHORT TERM but prolong OCD in the long run. https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/the-three-rs-research-rumination-and-reassurance https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/info/ocd-stats-and-science/what-makes-a-behavior-compulsive-an-ocd-expert-explains

Mariabae

Date posted: 24w

i had a panic atack please respond please

I just had a panic attack. It feels too real. It feels like I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Why is this happening? Why don’t I feel anything? Why don’t I love him? Why am I even questioning whether I ever loved him in the first place? I’ve been stuck in this for so long that I’m starting to believe it’s the truth. What if I feel this way because I just don’t want to accept that I don’t like him? What if I led him on this entire time? When I talk to him, I feel nothing. I’m not interested in anything. I can’t have conversations with him, I can’t kiss him, I just feel numb and fake. I feel horrible. What is happening to me? How did I get here? Why don’t I feel okay? I don’t understand what I feel. I feel like I’m lying to myself, like I’m stuck in this terrifying loop. I also feel like I don’t even care that I’m hurting him. I know he’s upset, and I know this is affecting him too, but I feel nothing about it. I don’t know why. It’s like something is blocking me from feeling anything. I know I should care. I know I love him. So why do I feel like I don’t? I feel so lost. I feel like I’ve changed. I don’t recognize myself anymore. What if this is real? I just want to feel normal again. i dont understand what is happening. i fear i didn’t love him ever because these thoughts started in the 4th month of us being together. in two months we make 2 years. am i leading him on? im a horrible person. i dont understand .

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

im scared

my thoughts are screaming at me telling me that i dont want my relationship anymore and that i realized i lost feelings. i have a beautiful relationship of two years with a beautiful boy that loves me dearly and i deal with this thoughs for a year and a half. Im so scared it feels so real im scared i have changed and my last therapy session made it worse she basically told me i have to realise the thoughts are true and stop lying to myself. And made me think i am so scared and heartbroken bc i put high expectations on myslef to be with my boyfriend for all my life. Maybe i dont want to hurt him??? im always questioning my feelings for him 24/7 for over a year. I wm tierd

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

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help me please it hurts me

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