Avoidance

My avoidance is getting bigger and bigger with each day, and I think like Im losing it. Except for ocd, I also have anxiety and social anxiety, as well as Im autistic, so one of my biggest fears, and the worst obsessions, are usually connected to my fear of being perceived. I've deleted my social media, all except for twitter where Im just looking for arts from my favorite shows/my favorite artstyles. I've stopped going out of my house, I barely talk with anyone anymore. I can only think about some of my interests, and if I want to think about them, I have to think also about like 3 different aesthetics as well, because otherwisly I feel threaten and afraid. I can only drink tea or water, I can eat only like 6 things, but I cant cook by myself, because I feel like if I will do something else than just watching my phone and thinking about my hobbies then something terrible is going to happen and all of my thoughts are going to come back. I cant shower, for the same exact reason, I didnt wash my hair in like a month now. My life has to revolve around certain "aesthetics" which includes some of games I like, some images that I think matches it and some words, usually also some kind of characters that I think matches it too. I have to think about it CONSTANTLY, without a break, if I wont, I get some disgusting and scary feelings. I would call them "feeling aesthetics" I think it's similiar to for example "drinking cocoa while reading a book at a winter time" when you do that, you can feel some kind of sensation that remind you of this, right? Probably some images too, I have a similiar kind of sensation with everything, but in a negative way. I dont really know why is that, is this me problem or my autism, maybe ocd, but that's just how I am. It disturbes my life, because if I wont strictly follow the rules of the aesthetics that brings me comfort, I get the negative feelings that remind me of something negative, sometimes it doenst have to be negative, I just dont want to feel it at this certain moment, for example, I can have a feeling that reminds me of the kind of people that I despise, or feeling that remind me of something from my past. That's why I engage in so much avoidance, because every intrusive thought creates it very own feeling, that remind me of bad, unpleasent things. The feeling doesnt go away with compulsion, I cant get this "short relief" Im just stuck for as long as the feeling exists. I feel like I've lost my whole life just trying to avoid these unplesent sensations, because they make me so overstimulated that it takes A WHILE to recover, and I have school, 8th grade exams are behing the corner, so I cant really try to "fight with the sensations" because it will exhuast me. I feel like Im no longer alive, I just exist, trying to survive, and that is not living. What could it be? I just want a name for it, I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me, is it because Im not accomondated and my support needs are getting higher? I mean, I saw that I started to stim a lot more, practically all day, especially vocal stims, so this could be it, but Im just not sure. If someone has read it all and knows what is happening then I would be really grateful if you could share this with me