miserable. i don't think i deserve happiness

hello everybody! 🔞 last saturday i did something i shouldn't have done, and i even posted about it here, but no one responded to my post (it's okay, i completely understand). to inform you, since i deleted the post: i consumed erotic literature where two 14 year old children had a relationship (☠️), on wattpad. and i consumed this theme to see if i was really attracted to it..i think. i'm unsure about it, but i know i didn't feel anything consuming it. i was feeling extremely anxious and felt extremely bad the next day, and i only got better when i talked to my girlfriend and an online friend. i'm still feeling bad, i know i shouldn't have done it and whenever i'm feeling genuinely good, it comes back to haunt me.. i'm worried because i'm not feeling enough guilt or remorse, idk.. i feel bad and i regret it, and i can't stand going through this problem anymore.. i was in therapy a few months ago, but i stopped for financial reasons and my psychologist doesn't see me virtually anymore. it's been difficult.. just a vent.

I know I'm not one. But there is one OCD episode that destroyed my life. September 2024 I was obsessing over attraction, and one night I compulsively imagined a sensual seductive scenario and I was shocked that a trigger could emanate the gaze of seduction and sensuality, and I thought that it was proof of attraction, then I think that for a moment that I felt like I was attracted, I think I self sabotaged myself into accepting attraction and I think like it worked. I still don't know if it was genuine attraction. I felt suicidal immediately later and thought about ending my life until I discovered on my notes that it was a "short moment" and I assumed that it was just OCD; but now I don't believe so. I have confused memories, maybe some are fabricated. I have different versions of what happened: 1. The attraction part was simply me perceiveing the objective seduction and sensuality look and instead of feeling distressed i felt that it looked seductive and I got shocked and that was what I thought it was attraction in my memory. 2. I was actually seducted and I'm in denial 3. I felt seduction but I wasnt seducted 4. I felt egosyntonic attraction and I'm in denial 5. It was a fabricated sense of egosyntoncness, it wasn't genuine attraction but a fabrication, it was a "dare" from the brain, a self sabotage hence why I felt suicidal. I asked an expert and she simply told me that what happens inside the OCD Bubble belongs only to OCD and it has no value, it is not real. And while it's true its entirety happened as a compulsion, as a result of testing an obsessional fear and doubt, I don't know if the content of what happened inside is simply not real. Like when I had triggering POCD dreams. I don't know if it's the same thing when I was worrying abt me being attracted to my mother and I compulsively imagined my parent coming to my bed and felt like I could do it, that I wouldn't refuse, like literally felt like it not hypothetically, maybe because it was a twisted version of it? I don't know. I lost my sense of reality a while ago. Different scenarios too happened where I felt like I could say yes or I was tempted over doing something I find immoral, all of them were a direct consequence of a compulsion but I don't know still, seems too easy. I fear that the human brain is complex enough to allow both things to happen, that is neutral enough to allow a grey area that I cannot tolerate.

I was in the car I suddenly noticed someone across the road, and I perceived something that looked attractive and se&ual, like exposed nice legs, and I thought, well let's look, it must be a woman. she wasn't. it was a trigger and i wasnt ready. she was wearing low cut shorts. and the thing is when i noticed how the body was too small i think it still looked someway attractive, my brain perceived that overall look as attractive or se&ual, like it "felt nice" (?) idk. it all happened very fast so i dont know a lot, but I got immediately disturbed as i noticed and perceived such a look. i dont know if i really "felt" as opposed to "perceived". I didnt have desire. I didnt want it. but was i attracted? that's a strong word, but im afraid that the brain still felt something "nice", like the overall look was attractive or nice, as an instant positive reaction <brain: "oh that looks nice"> is that normal? am i a ****phile? i wasnt ready. it was sudden as i checked, it took some time to fully process the information. if i knew from the first thing that it was a trigger as usual, in a slow manner instead of sudden noticing, i wouldn't have felt this much uncertainty and these disturbing unclear reactions, i would thought "this looks se&ual because it is exposed skin but im not attracted to it". all this time i thought that when i noticed certain body parts was because it just looked se&ual and because of ocd, after this im starting to think that i find certain looks attractive and i recognised a similarity. maybe, could it be that my brain took some time to fully process things, and because it wasn't ready it wasn't able to relocate in time what was appropriate and not? like piece of informations didn't have enough time to be fully processed so instead of coming into one clear image it was fragmented, and something attractive slipped through as a separated information from the subject...? im very distressed and depressed because of this. the final nail in the coffin for today; i want to kick the bucket.