ROCD with partner experiencing grief

Hi. I am new here and I am really struggling. A friend of mine recommended that I join NOCD for support. I have been in a relationship for 2 years and 6 months ago, my partner lost his mother very suddenly. They did not have a good relationship, so his grief has been very complicated. I have been having a lot of ROCD and ever since she died I have been trying to find control by asking him how he feels, making him tell me things, etc, and it is so hard. Over the last 6 months he has pushed me away significantly and has taken out anger on me, usually just yelling or will ignore me or not let me touch him. we took a break last week because it has been so challenging. He is also acting out in certain ways like I said taking his anger out on me or he has a history of coping with alcohol, not often, but often enough. So I will constantly sit him down and ask him how he is feeling and I have all of these thoughts in my head that our relationship is doomed, I’m gonna be abandoned, nothing will ever be better, I am stuck, etc., that I constantly go to him for reassurance and he isn’t capable of communicating it to me right now. So I don’t know what to do? How do I soothe myself during this time and cope with the fact that I don’t know if things will get better or if they won’t… I hate ROCD!!!!!!

Relationship OCD

aeosly

Date posted: 1y

I’m so sorry, this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation :( i have rocd too and it can be extremely frustrating and exhausting, but a combination of erp and medication helped me significantly. the basic concept of erp is to respond to the obsessive thoughts by saying maybe the fear does exist and then letting the anxiety subside by itself without ANY interference from compulsive thoughts. so for example “maybe i will be abandoned” or “maybe nothing will ever get better”. the process is very hard and sticking with it may feel very very difficult at times but it is absolutely worth it, and if it ever gets too overwhelming to handle don’t be scared of medication! i was really afraid at first but if you get the right psychiatrist who has experience with ocd patients medication can be a life saving tool. if you want to start with erp i would suggest researching all of the compulsive thoughts that come with rocd that you are engaging with consistently and trying your hardest to not engage with them, reassurance seeking is a really tough one but resisting them truly helps if you stick with it. i feel for you and truly hope your situation gets better.

clair_m88

Date posted: 1y

@aeosly Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so helpful to feel seen by this. My therapist wants me to do ERP with her but in my head I hear it won’t work or it’ll be too hard. But I’m feeling so exhausted I need the help. I feel like I have 1,000 people are in my head healing scenarios at me and I can’t shut them up. I also care for my partner so much and it’s so sad how far apart our relationship has become because of this loss and my ROCD… I am hoping ERP can help me. May I ask what medication helped you? I am on Lexapro (10mg and for nearly 3 years now) and it is not helping one bit.

aeosly

Date posted: 1y

@claire18 ERP is one of the hardest things ive ever done in my life but even then it was so worth it with how much it helped me in the end, there is a light at the end of the tunnel especially if you put your all into it. i am taking 50mg of fluvoxamine and it has also helped me significantly. i was on another medication mostly for depression rather than ocd and it didn’t help, but i think fluvoxamine is specifically for ocd so that’s probably why it works so well.

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