For the past 2 days I’ve felt like shit. Idk if it’s ocd anymore. I have tocd (I hope) and now I’ve literally just started to actually believe it’s not ocd. I’ve been feeling nauseous today and yesterday. Basically my brain is saying “there’s no proof you’re not trans just better accept it”. It feels like a genuine thought. I tell myself that I had compulsions it’s definitely ocd bla bla bla but it doesn’t work. I still refuse to believe it. Reassurance doesn’t do anything and I feel like I’ve stopped doing compulsions. I feel so numb and the thought doesn’t bother me anymore. I feel like I’m forcing myself to be sad because that’s the only proof I have of it being ocd. I feel terrible because I look back at my old posts and feel like I lied. I feel like my thoughts are so forced. Yet I can’t admit to myself that I’m trans. Every time I do it I have to say “no no no I’m cis” but I feel so FAKE. I don’t even think I was happy as a girl in the past but I don’t even remember. In the past a year ago I used to TELL PEOPLE that I was a boy!! I used to literally bind my chest (I think). I was such a tomboy. I fucking hate myself for this because I knew I wasn’t trans but now I’m not so sure. There’s SO MUCH PROOF. I need a therapist but my parents are so strictly against it. My mom found out I had the ocd app and she confiscated my phone (I’m writing this from my friends iPad). I feel so fake literally I was so SURE that it was ocd. I hate myself so much. I’ve dealt with harm ocd before but was that all a lie too?? I feel like I have no choice but to accept that I’m trans. What is this shit?? I’ve been trying to become more girly and I really like it (or do I??) and I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I’m not trans. I also think I have internalized transphobia because I had a favorite trans YouTuber and I secretly hoped he would de transition to reassure myself??? Help?!!!????!?!

Sexual Orientation OCD

Reptile

Date posted: 6y

I have TOCD too, it’s probably one of my worst obsessions.

jj19

Date posted: 6y

So sad to learn about you parents :( maybe u should try to email a therapist and find a solution; he or she could maybe give you some tips via email or idk?. But yeah i have tocd and doubting of it and litteraly feel the same

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Thank god im not alone. I feel so terrible. Do I have internalized transphobia though?? I’m so scared that I do!! I really want a therapist. I don’t know what to do my parents are gonna brush it off just like they did with harm ocd :(

Reptile

Date posted: 6y

@margo1 Your asking for reassurance when you ask “do I have internalized transphobia”. That is most certainly a compulsion.

jj19

Date posted: 6y

@TheReptileCyka Definitely. But u know we may have internal transphobia and still not be trans. Maybe u should find a therapist via email? Or u could find help at your school.maybe ?

Reptile

Date posted: 6y

@jj19 I disagree with that statement. You can’t have this “internalized transphobia” without being trans. That’s like saying you hate yourself for being a killer, yet not being a killer. Now perhaps you mean you’d never accept yourself if you were. I still wouldn’t say that’s internalized transphobia either. I would say that’s just not accepting something that’s just not you. For example, if I was evil I wouldn’t accept myself if I was. Is this “internalized evilophobia” even though I’m not evil? I think not.

jj19

Date posted: 6y

@TheReptileCyka I don't think you have to be trans. I mean homophobic people have internalized homophobia, that doesn't make them gay. Im just saying that transphobia which could be reported in society can be internalized and exacerbate the anxiety. But of course there is also an ego-dystonic part

jj19

Date posted: 6y

@jj19 But it still doesn't mean that u are trans or gay, but i guess that i could exist, and i think that (in my case) i can see it

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond