For the past 2 days I’ve felt like shit. Idk if it’s ocd anymore. I have tocd (I hope) and now I’ve literally just started to actually believe it’s not ocd. I’ve been feeling nauseous today and yesterday. Basically my brain is saying “there’s no proof you’re not trans just better accept it”. It feels like a genuine thought. I tell myself that I had compulsions it’s definitely ocd bla bla bla but it doesn’t work. I still refuse to believe it. Reassurance doesn’t do anything and I feel like I’ve stopped doing compulsions. I feel so numb and the thought doesn’t bother me anymore. I feel like I’m forcing myself to be sad because that’s the only proof I have of it being ocd. I feel terrible because I look back at my old posts and feel like I lied. I feel like my thoughts are so forced. Yet I can’t admit to myself that I’m trans. Every time I do it I have to say “no no no I’m cis” but I feel so FAKE. I don’t even think I was happy as a girl in the past but I don’t even remember. In the past a year ago I used to TELL PEOPLE that I was a boy!! I used to literally bind my chest (I think). I was such a tomboy. I fucking hate myself for this because I knew I wasn’t trans but now I’m not so sure. There’s SO MUCH PROOF. I need a therapist but my parents are so strictly against it. My mom found out I had the ocd app and she confiscated my phone (I’m writing this from my friends iPad). I feel so fake literally I was so SURE that it was ocd. I hate myself so much. I’ve dealt with harm ocd before but was that all a lie too?? I feel like I have no choice but to accept that I’m trans. What is this shit?? I’ve been trying to become more girly and I really like it (or do I??) and I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I’m not trans. I also think I have internalized transphobia because I had a favorite trans YouTuber and I secretly hoped he would de transition to reassure myself??? Help?!!!????!?!

I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly

I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.