Struggling with a POCD relapse

Hi everyone, I'm new to the app and this is my first time posting. I just wanted to see if folks could relate. I've struggled off and on with POCD for about 12 years. I also really struggle with false memories, thinking I have done something awfully inappropriate to children and that I just don't remember it. It's been really bad recently and I sometimes worry it's not OCD and that I'm just a terrible person in denial, or that I'm lying to everyone around me. It's so scary because it's so hard to tell what's real and what's not when it comes to my memories because even if I don't have a memory of doing something, it still feels like I have. I was babysitting my 3 year old niece a few months ago and my OCD was already in full swing and making me anxious. I sat on the couch next to her and she asked to sit on my lap so I put her on my lap but I scooched her to the side so then her butt wasn't on my lap and I made sure neither of my hands were touching her. I was so so scared that I was going to experience a gronial response since I was already worried about my OCD so I just couldn't relax because I was afraid that would happen. I did not end up experiencing a gronial response and in that moment I kept telling myself that I'm okay and I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm not experiencing any arousal because I knew I would worry after the fact that I did something wrong. I also just kept thinking to myself I hate this and this is my nightmare. I eventually got up because I couldn't experience the discomfort anymore. Now, after the fact, I am doing exactly what I thought I would. I'm worried I did something inappropriate, I'm worried I felt a gronial response, I'm not trusting any of my memories. It's just so hard and so frustrating. I want to feel normal but it feels so hard to live normally and not be worried if I've done something terrible. Just wanted to reach out to a group that I thought could relate when I'm feeling so alone!

POCD

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 37w

You’re not alone. I struggle with this too. I developed ocd as postpartum ocd after having my first child. It never went away and for years i’ve had harm and pocd thoughts about my children and others. It’s the absolute worst and most painful as a mom and the false memories are so frustrating but the more you try to remember, the more clouded the memory gets and the more the ocd will alter it. Welcome to the app and if you ever need support i’m here.

Anonymous

Date posted: 37w

@hopefulxmess How long have you been dealing with this ? And what was your worst compulsion if you don’t mind me asking

eann25

Date posted: 37w

Thank you so much for this 💗 I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. I wouldn't wish OCD on anyone. The false memories are the hardest part for me, even when I don't have images of doing something I didn't do, it still feels so strongly like I've done something terrible and I'm like how can it feel so strongly like I've done something I haven't?! But that's OCD! Thanks again, I'm grateful we have this app and community

hanysm@gmail...

Date posted: 37w

Hi, I think you need to relax. Based on what you said, you didn't do anything bad Actually it looks like you handled the situation ok. Here is the rule, with OCD if in doubt, It is false and worry not about it.

izabela’socd

Date posted: 21w

Fellow False memory ocd people

Hi, I’ve had ocd since I was 12 but the hardest theme I’ve ever encountered was false memory ocd and POCD. I’m convinced I’ve molested children and people and it disgusts me to my very core. Is there anyone else going through this? I really need to talk to people who are going through the same thing as me and can share their story because I feel so along in this false memory cycle because it feels like a real memory and I feel like I’m tricking everyone around me into thinking it’s false. Please help

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

POCD and changing baby diaper - please help

Hi NOCD community, I was hoping to get some advice from fellow sufferers. In December we welcomed the first baby into the family, my beautiful niece. Since then, my POCD has been awful, which I know is probably very normal. Last week, in the middle of a very high stress day in my family, I was changing my niece and as usually happens, I got intrusive thoughts about awful things people do to babies when changing them. The thoughts were so harrowing to have as I was also changing her at the exact same time, and I felt my hands just quickly want to finish patting her dry before putting her nappy on, and for some reason, my heart dropped with that hand movement, because I was afraid that I had acted out the awful thoughts in my head, in a moment of mania because my morals, values and heart do not align with abuse of any kind, especially to children. My niece is my everything, and I know I would never want harm to come to her in any way, shape or form. I love her endlessly. I am having therapy, but have only had a couple of sessions. But, I cannot shake the 'what if'. I am tortured over trying to remember what it was I did that made my heart drop, but I can't, and its getting fuzzier and fuzzier the more I try to remember. Could anyone offer any advice on this please? Thank you.

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Struggling with a POCD relapse

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community